


Something Worth Fighting For

by Youremyalways



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: AU, Anal Sex, Angst, Army veteran, Blowjobs, Bottom Jensen, Chronic Condition, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fingering, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, J2, Love, M/M, Makeup Sex, Minor Character Deaths, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post traumatic headache disorder - PTHD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rimming, Top Jared, Trust Issues, hurt!Jared, hurt!Jensen, jealous!jensen, mostly plot, plot overrides smut, protective!Jared, protective!jensen, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 63,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28536720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youremyalways/pseuds/Youremyalways
Summary: Jared is an orphan who left the army after 9 years due to a headache disorder that rendered him unfit to serve. Accustomed to being abandoned, he is hesitant to trust the green-eyed psychology teacher he meets at the hospital. Jensen Ackles turns his world upside down. Along the way, they run into bumps on the road and have to figure out: is what they have worth fighting for?(*updates daily)
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 17
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

_ “Hey, Jude…” _

_ The sounds of bombs went off in the distance, the glowing light of sunrise slowly unveiling the faces of all the men gathered in the trench. _

_ “Don’t make it bad…”  _

_ Jared’s boots were soaked through, his socks squelching with every movement of his feet. The air was cold enough to burn his nostrils as it entered and exited in haste. He sat with his back to the trench wall, legs curled up so his knees rested against his chest, rifle sitting heavy in his lap. His breath made clouds of gray smoke as it hit the air, tainting the otherwise perfectly clear, dark sky. _

_ “Take a sad song…” _

_ Chad was sitting right up against his side, their upper arms brushing against each other everytime they shifted. Six other men were sitting along the wall, three on either side of Jared and Chad. The nerves in the air were tangible. _

_ “And make it better…” _

_ Their unit has been stationed in Iraq for months, now. The eight of them knew each other like brothers. They were the only family they had out here. Cohen, Padalecki, Murray, Collins, Roche, Speight, Welling, Brown. They fought the good fight together. Always trusted one another, never hesitated. _

_ “Remember to let her into your heart…” _

_ Cohen liked to sing. Whenever they were far enough from enemy troops, he filled the silence with his favorite songs from The Beatles. None of them minded. In fact, it was a welcome distraction. The unmistakably American sound of their music was a nice reminder of home.  _

_ “And then you can start to make it better.” _

_ They were miles deep in Iraqi territory, all lined up in a trench for the night. It was nearly time to move, the sun starting to rise on the horizon. In the morning, they would have to cover more ground, make it back to camp. They were only a few more weeks away from returning to home base in the US. But for now, they listened to Cohen sing and gazed up at the stars above.  _

_ ‘Hey.’ Murray whispered from beside Jared, leaning into his ear. _

_ Chad Michael Murray was his best friend. They’d been stationed together long before this particular deployment. They loved each other like brothers, and trusted one another with their lives. Jared didn’t have anyone else. His father left him and his mother when Jared was barely double digits, and his mama killed herself less than a year later. He was in and out of foster homes until he enlisted at 18.  _

_ Jared slightly turned his head to give Chad the cue to talk. _

_ ‘Three more weeks, man.’ He whispered in an exasperated voice, ‘only three more weeks.’ _

_ Jared sighed and repeated softly, “Three more weeks.” _

_ ‘Think we’ll make it to camp before sundown?’ _

_ Chad seemed to be in the talkative mood. Jared knew him well enough to know that he got that way when he was anxious. He didn’t blame him; any minute now they’d be walking out in the open again.  _

_ ‘I hope so.’ He answered simply, keeping his gaze pointed up at the sky. _

_ “Hey Jude, don’t be afraid…” _

_ Jared ignored the chills going up his back and arms. He closed his eyes for a moment and just listened to Cohen’s voice. He was exhausted, but not sleepy. That may seem paradoxical, but… while he hasn’t slept for longer than a couple hours in several days, it wasn’t safe to sleep here. Not in enemy territory. Not during the night. He couldn’t get himself to fall asleep if he tried. _

_ “You were made to go out and get her…” _

_ ‘Cohen, wrap it up. The sun is up. We’re moving out.’ _

_ That was Sterling Brown, the leader of their unit for the current mission. He was tough, but respected. Ambitious, but not unsafe. The soldiers liked him. Still, at the sound of his voice, Jared felt his entire body tense, and immediately started doing breathing exercises to keep his anxiety tamed. Some adrenaline was good, but too much led to mistakes. _

_ Chad reached across and squeezed Jared’s knee, offering a little slice of comfort in the moment of intense trepidation.  _

_ “Here we go, brother.” He whispered and Jared nodded stoicly.  _

_ They rose to their knees first, and then to their feet. All eight of them stood tall, spines rigidly straight and chins tilted up.  _

_ “Alright, men, we’re moving out. Everybody know their partner?” Brown asked. _

_ “Yes sir.” Came from all seven other men simultaneously.  _

_ “We stay low.” Lieutenant Brown commanded, “Welling leads the way.” _

_ They all nodded and turned on their feet so they were behind Tom Welling in sets of two. He was the genius that could read landmine-maps like nobody Jared had ever met. He always took the lead through the territory, avoiding bombs in the ground and keeping them safe. They were all thankful for him.  _

_ “Moving out!” Brown announced at once in a quiet, yet commanding tone. _

_ Then they were moving. _

_ Jared put his mind in autopilot so he could focus intently on the air, the ground, the bodies behind, beside, and in front of him. _

_ One step. _

_ Two step. _

_ Three. _

_ Fo- _

_ It happened in seconds. Nothing in the world could’ve prepared him.  _

_ A deafening crash rang through his ears and then he was hitting the ground. Chad fell on top of him, the weight of his body pressing down on Jared’s spine.  _

_ Pain. Shock. Numbness. _

_ His head slammed into the hard dirt below and his vision went fuzzy.  _

_ The sky was red. All he could see were figures lying bloody on the ground and all he could hear was intense ringing and muffled shouts of agony and fear. _

_ He blinked and his vision cleared only slightly. But it was enough.  _

_ Enough to see Matt Cohen a yard away from him. His face was torn to shreds and his eyes were stuck open but unblinking. His jaw was stuck agape, as if frozen in a permanent scream. He was dead. HE WAS FUCKING DEAD.  _

_ Jared tried to cry, to scream, to move… but nothing. _

_ Blinding pain seared through his skull and his back, and all he could do was succumb to the blackness when it came.  _

_ He lost consciousness to the sound of Chad screaming his name and the thought that ‘at least nobody will miss me.’ _

——————

Jared’s eyes jerk open and he pants in harsh, exasperated breaths as he makes sense of his surroundings. The ceiling above him is white, the air is clean, and it’s quiet except for the sound of moving cars in the distance. Jared takes a deep breath to center himself. He’s home. He’s in his own bed. He’s okay. 

His head is pounding and his chest feels tight. After a few minutes of counting his breaths, he’s able to close his eyes again and inhale normally. A single tear falls down his face, and he doesn’t make a move to wipe it away. He lets it cut cleanly down his cheek and gather at the dip of his chin.

As he lies on his back, he tries to push away the residual fear tearing through his body and brain. It’s an impossible feat. 

Because while that may have been a dream, the nightmare was very real. It happened 6 months ago in Iraq. 

That day, they walked right over an uncharted landmine. The only survivors were Jared, Chad, and Misha Collins. They lost five men in one fell swoop. Five men that would never see their families again. No more Beatles songs for Matt Cohen, whose frozen-screaming-face still plagued Jared’s dreams every night. Five men who would never return home. The guilt Jared felt was immense. How the hell did he survive? He had nobody that would miss him. He was expendable. So, why?

Misha Collins lived across the country in Maine. He was rendered paralyzed from the neck down after getting shrapnel embedded in his spine. Jared hasn’t spoken to him since. As for Chad, well, he walked away the cleanest. Deaf in his left ear and a bum knee. He got lucky. Jared, on the other hand… 

His back was torn to shreds. Nerves pinched and muscles strained. The doctor said it was a miracle from heaven above that he didn’t fracture his spine. Hours and hours of surgeries and emergency room visits finally left him with nerve damage and horrifically dark and raised bruises. For weeks, he was wheelchair bound. He couldn’t feel below his hips for a month. Eventually the feeling came back, with physical therapy and a lot of luck. Now, six months later, he couldn’t feel his toes at all and parts of his feet. It could’ve been a lot worse. That wasn’t the bad part. 

No. The bad part was the concussion.

His head was strapped down in a neck brace for eight days to stop him from moving it. The doctor said he was one minute movement away from permanent brain damage. When the brace was removed, the pain started. It was white hot agony unlike anything he’s ever experienced before in his life. A horrific sharp stabbing that seared through his skull and rendered him immobile. The doc said the headaches would fade with the concussion, but they never did. So, he got a new diagnosis: PTHD. 

“Do you mean PTSD?” Jared had asked with furrowed brows.

“No.” The doctor responded, crossing his arms and sighing.

PTHD as in Post Traumatic Headache Disorder. 

PTHD as in stifling pain every single day of his life.

PTHD as in never leaving his house at whim again.

PTHD as in no more army. No more purpose. No more value. No more life.

Jared was finished. He went home to an empty apartment and cried himself to sleep. Suicidal thoughts entered his brain, but he shoved them down. He’d lost so many friends in the explosion. They didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t be a stain on their legacy by taking his own life after they were forced to give up their own.

So he kept pushing. Chad visited him every day to check in, but eventually Jared got fed up and yelled at him to stop mothering him. 

“I am perfectly capable of living on my own! Just get the fuck out!”

“Jared, you're still hurt. You need help!”

“Well, you aren’t helping!” 

“You’re a selfish bastard, you know that?!” 

“I’m selfish?!”

“Yeah, you are! You don’t care about anyone else as long as you get to sit in your own pile of pity! Well, I’ve had enough!”

Chad had left after that, slamming the door behind him and never looking back. It’s been weeks since they last talked.

Jared sighed and reached up to wipe his eyes. He turned over to look at the alarm clock by his bed and saw that it said 3:08pm. He had laid down for a nap at 2:00 after a headache left him exhausted and too drained to continue working on his laptop. He decided to take a quick nap and sleep it off for an hour or so before his appointment at 4:30. 

He needed caffeine, now. Badly. If he was going to get anything done, he needed a boost. So, he got up, changed into jeans, threw a pair of boots on, and walked into the kitchen of his apartment. He yawned as he started the coffee maker, leaning heavily on the countertop as he grinded the beans down.

His head was still hurting a bit and his eyes were heavy. But, he’d already had three headaches today, so he should be good to go for the rest of the day. Silver linings… 

At first the headaches were highly unpredictable and constantly changing. One day there would be seven minor ones and the next he’d have one giant one that left him bedridden the entire day. As the months passed by and the incident grew farther and farther behind him, they started to become much more regular. He still didn’t know when they would hit, but he did know that they came at a max three times a day, minimum one. The pain levels were pretty similar, barring the occasional migraine that drained him completely and left him practically paralyzed. 

But all in all, he felt more comfortable going out in public when he knew he already had two or three headaches that day. It meant he probably wouldn’t have another one. Back when they were completely unpredictable, it was much riskier. 

Still… Routine check-ups were an absolute bitch. 

It wasn’t the redundant questions, touchy hands, or lumpy bed. It wasn’t even because of the head scans, or the blood tests, or the fact that he always had to stay overnight for one thing or another. No… it was the constant reminder of what he had lost and just how broken he was. 

When he was home for a while and got a good enough grasp on his routine that he could work around the headaches and find ways around slowing down, he felt great. Better than that, he felt normal. Like a real, true functioning human being. 

It was when he had to haul his ass to the hospital every month and a half that he felt dehumanized and insecure. Normal people don’t need to see a doctor anywhere near that frequently. Plus, to state the obvious, he  _ hated _ hospitals. There were too many bad memories attached to ever feel comfortable in a hospital room again. Too much trauma. Too much fear and grief.

It was also one of the only places he actually had to secure transportation to. Jared put a lot of effort into making sure everywhere he needed to go was within walking difference. His drivers license had been revoked after he was examined and deemed unsafe for the roads. If he ever got one of his headaches while driving, it would end very badly. So, to go to the hospital was a pain in the ass because he had to take an uber or the bus and sweat his ass off the entire way because he was anxious that he was going to erupt in pain and collapse in public. 

Thankfully, he avoided that today. 

After he finished his coffee, he ordered an uber and the rest was easy. 

As he stepped out of the black Nissan, he handed the driver -Tony- cash and nodded in acknowledgment. Then, he quickly walked into the hospital. It was sort of embarrassing how well he knew this place. He made quick work of signing in and within ten minutes, was sitting in the waiting room of the neurology department waiting for Doctor Smith. 

Six months ago, Jared was treated in a base hospital in Iraq for four days to get him stable before he was heli-vaced back to the states. Doctor Samantha Smith was the neurologist assigned to him in Austin. Throughout his recovery, they bonded. It was the hardest time in Jared’s life, and she showed him complete kindness and empathy. She’d lost her sister a year before in a car accident, and let him confide in her about losing his best friends. They bonded over loss, and Jared trusted her. As much as coming in for these appointments sucked, he liked seeing Sam. She was always compassionate and understanding. He couldn’t help but relax in her presence. Maybe it was because she was sort of like the mother he never had. 

Either way, when she came into the waiting room, he couldn’t help but smile.

“Hi, Jared.” She greeted with her own kind smile, little wrinkles appearing by her eyes and forehead. 

Jared stood up from his chair as she approached him. He sighed as she pulled him into a gentle hug. 

“Good to see you.” She acknowledged as she pulled away, leaving a hand on his bicep. 

Jared nodded, “You too, Dr.Smith.” 

She laughed a little, “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Sam?”

Jared smirked, “One more.” 

She rolled her eyes playfully and started walking away, gesturing for him to follow, “Come on, we’re gonna start with a head scan, okay?” 

Jared nodded, but asked slightly nervously, “Do you think you’ll find anything?”

Sam turned to him and assured, “I just want to double check on some things. Nothing to worry about, but it’s been two months since the last one. I want to make sure nothing has changed. It’ll only take a few minutes, okay? Now, I would also like to get a read on your brain waves when the headaches occur. Since they happen in the morning, unfortunately that means you will have to stay overnight. Is that going to be a problem?”

Jared sighed, not surprised.

“It’s fine.” 

Sam smiled knowingly, “I know it’s not ideal. But we need to make sure that brain of yours is working the way it’s supposed to. As long as the results don’t show anything concerning, you’ll be out as early as noon tomorrow.” 

Jared nodded, not letting the disappointment show.

“Alrighty.” She nodded, “Follow me.”

Jared did as told, though he easily could’ve found the room himself. He’d been there  _ plenty _ of times. Turns out when you have PTHD, the docs like to do head scans. Lots of them, for that matter. 

Sam took him to the MRI and handed him off to Dr. Beaver, the radiologist.

“Ok Jared, I’ll have a nurse take you to your room as soon as you’re done, and I’ll be back to check on you at 7:00. Sound good?” Sam smiled.

Jared tilted his head slightly and repeated, “Sounds good.”

Dr.Smith closed the door behind her as she left the room. Jared turned to the radiologist.

“Ready to get started?” He asked.

Jared sighed, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

He lied down on the magnetic machine, breathing in and out in shallow breaths as the claustrophobia sank in. He closed his eyes and let his mind float away. 

Another machine. Another hospital. Another night spent away from home.

Another day in the life of Jared Padalecki.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Jensen meet.

Jared finished his scan just before 6:00 and was led fo his room by one of the young nurses fresh out of college. She was sweet. A little overexcitable, sure, but… sweet. Her hospital lanyard read ‘Kathryn Newton.’ 

“Alright, you are all set. Doctor Smith will be back in an hour to check in, but feel free to roam around a bit until then. There’s a vending machine down the hall and a small kitchen if you get hungry. Just hit the call button if you need anything else.” She smiled overly wide as she handed him the remote to the television mounted on the wall across from his bed. 

He nodded, already aware of the drill.

“Thanks.” 

She smiled again, “No problem.” 

And then she was walking out the door, leaving Jared alone.

He lasted all of thirty minutes before getting angsty and feeling like he needed to get the hell out of there. He felt claustrophobic. He decided to hit that vending machine she suggested, desperate for something with carbonation. Ginger ale sounded great. 

So, he got up and walked out of the room, smiling at two of the nurses as he walked by. He walked up to the soda vending machine and paused for a moment to find what he was looking for. Number 11, only one left.

“Go figure.” He mumbled to himself.

Jared slid the dollar bill into the slot and clicked the ‘1’ two times. He smiled softly as the last bottle of Ginger Ale fell to the slot at the bottom of the machine. He reached down and picked it up, going to twist the cap off when suddenly a chill ran up his spine. 

His whole body froze. Instincts from the army took over. Someone was right behind him. Someone was watching him. Someone was in his space. He whipped his head around and tightened his grip on the soda. 

He felt his body fill with relief when he saw there was a tall -shorter than him, but still tall- guy with gorgeous green eyes standing a few feet back. Just a normal person. Actually, a very attractive person. Jared sighed and started to walk away before he felt a faint pressure on his arm. He looked down and saw that the pale hand resting on his forearm belonged to the green-eyed man. 

“That the last one?” Green-eyed-man asked, looking a little pained by the idea of that. His face was scrunched up a bit and his eyes were slightly squinting.

Jared looked down at the can in his hand and back at the vending machine before swallowing and directing his gaze back to the man across from him.

“Looks like.” Jared shrugged, feeling a pang of empathy. Sometimes simple things like not being able to drink what you wanted caused a lot more pain than they were worth. He raised a brow and asked when he saw the man’s shoulders sag down, “What, nothing else appeal to you?”

The man looked down and shook his head, “Nah, it’s not for me. My uh… my grandmother. It’s the only thing she’ll actually drink.” 

Jared looked down at the can in his hand and suddenly felt very guilty. His eyes widened and he felt himself flush a little in embarrassment. Of course he didn’t need this more than some dude’s sick grandmother. 

“Oh…” He swallowed before instinct took over and he stretched his arm out and held the can out for the man, “Take it.” 

The man’s head shot up and his eyebrows furrowed like he was shocked by that small gesture of kindness. 

“No, no.” He shook his head, although he looked mighty tempted. He seemed to be trying to convince himself not to take it, “You got here first.” 

Jared smirked and shook the can a little in emphasis, “Just take it, okay? Your grandma definitely needs it more than I do. I shouldn’t really be having the sugar anyway, so you’re doing me a favor.” 

That wasn’t necessarily true. Sure, sugar could theoretically impact his headaches, but it would have to be a pretty freaking large amount. 

The man pushed his lips to one side but eventually nodded and reached out to take the Ginger Ale from Jared’s hand. A faint blush started to creep up his cheeks when their fingers brushed, but maybe that was just Jared’s imagination.

“Thank you.” The man said sincerely, holding eye contact to make sure his authenticity was felt, “It means a lot…” 

He trailed off and Jared took it as his cue to introduce himself.

“Jared.” He smiled softly, “And you’re welcome.” 

Saying that was a weirdly new sensation for him. Normally it was ‘no problem’ or ‘yeah sure’. It felt good to acknowledge that he was doing something kind for someone else that he didn’t  _ need _ to do. 

“Jensen.” The man with green eyes introduced himself, “Jensen Ackles.”

Jared tilted his head a little and smiled slow, “That’s a name.” 

Ackles rolled his eyes and huffed a little teasingly, “I know, I know.” 

“Hey, no judgement here.” He held his hands up in mock surrender, “My last name is Padalecki.” 

Jensen’s eyes widened and he laughed a little back, “Okay, you win.”

Jared smiled before looking down and catching a glimpse at his watch. His neurologist was coming to check in with him in less than ten minutes. And that’s if she wasn’t early. 

“Alright, well I have to go, but I hope your grandmother enjoys her drink.” His lips quirked up, “I’ll see you around, Jensen Ackles.” 

He turned around and started heading for the Neurology unit, dread starting to fill him as he realized it was probably just going to be another bout of bad news. 

“Wait.” Jensen’s voice called out as he started to walk away and Jared turned around with raised eyebrows, slightly surprised. There were a few yards between them now, but he could see Jensen pulling a pair of bills out of his pocket, “Let me pay you back for it, at least.” 

Jared actually laughed a little under his breath. He couldn’t believe this guy. It was a 1$ soda for his sick grandmother in the hospital.

“Dude, It’s okay.” He leveled with him, giving a patient and amused smile, “I promise I’m good for it.”

“No, come on.” Jensen shook his head and closed the distance between them, holding out one of the bills, “My grandma would kill me if she found out I took it for free. You’d be doing me a favor.” 

He smirked as he threw Jared’s own words back at him. 

Jared raised his brows but reached out and took the dollar bill, “Stubborn much?” 

Jensen shrugged nonchalantly, almost like he was proud of that. God, he was hot when he was smug. The little lines by his eyes and the way his lips pouted out. Jared struggled to keep himself standing up right every time he looked into those damn emeralds he called eyes. And Jensen didn’t seem too off-put by him either- all smiles and wide eyes. Maybe they could… 

Jensen smiled lightheartedly and crossed his arms before asking, “So, who are you visiting?”

Jared felt like he took a fastball to the gut. The room started spinning a bit and the dread sunk like an anchor to the pit of his stomach. Oh, right. That was the reason he could never have someone like Jensen. Or anyone for that matter. He wasn’t a normal guy that could go out at whim and be loved. He was broken and injured and nothing anybody could ever want in a partner. And he was about to let Jensen know that. What a fucking bummer. He wished he could pretend and just say ‘oh, my grandmother is here too’. But that wasn’t the truth. And Jensen would find out sooner or later if they talked at any point beyond this. So, he had to do exactly what his heart was telling him not to. Tell the truth and shoot himself in the foot. So long, pretty boy with green eyes. 

He stuttered for a second, reaching up to play with the hair on the back of his neck as he started to sweat. 

“Uhmm…” Dammit, he liked this guy. Way to ruin it within the first five minutes of meeting. Fucking hell. He pushed in one strained breath, “I’m not visiting, actually.” 

Jensen barely had any reaction and Jared was surprised by that until he asked next, “Oh. Are you volunteering or something?” 

Jared looked down and breathed out slowly before looking back up and telling him honestly, “No, actually. I’m a patient.” 

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up and he looked like he was about to speak, but Jared looked down at his watch and cut him off, “Look, I have an appointment. I gotta run. Good luck with your grandmother.” 

This time he whipped around and walked to his unit too fast to be stopped. He felt his eyes burning with unshed tears as he made his way into his room, his throat clogging up with emotions and chest pulled tight. It wasn’t even Jensen that he was upset about. Sure he was hot and seemed sweet, but Jared met him a handful of minutes ago. He could be a serial killer or a pedophile for all he knew. No… what upset him was the idea of never being in a relationship again because of his condition. Because anytime he brought it up people looked at him exactly how Jensen did just then. With shock and pity. It  _ sucked _ .

He wanted someone in his life that he could lean on. He wanted someone that believed in him. Someone to kiss, and hug, and make love to. Someone to cook for, and cuddle with. Those chances dwindled when he was diagnosed with PTHD. 

Jared sniffled as he finally opened the door to his room, shuffling inside and taking a seat on the bed, legs hanging over the edge and arms wrapped tightly around his core in a self-hug. His lip quivered and he could still feel tears burning, but he tried his damndest to keep it together. 

He flicked the tv on just for the white noise, finding himself not paying attention to whatever was on in the slightest.

He took off his boots and scooched up on the bed until his back was against the wall, pulling his knees up and letting his body shake with dread and self pity. He stared blankly at the TV screen, resting his chin on his knee and trying to hush his loud mind. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed before the door was opening and Doctor Smith walked in, a smile on her lips.

“Hello again.” She greeted, closing the door gently behind her. She had a clipboard wedged between her arm and her torso and a black pen sticking out of the front pocket on her white coat. 

Jared watched as she made her way in and sat down on the chair beside his bed. He swallowed and pushed his legs down so they were lying straight. He didn’t want her to see him upset. 

“Oh, good show.” She acknowledged as she followed his gaze to the episode of Jeopardy on the tv, “Always makes me feel dumb, though.”

Jared shrugged, “I didn’t even realize it was on.” 

At that, Sam turned to him with a slightly worried gaze.

“Everything alright, Jared?” She asked, eyes boring into his soul.

Once again, Jared just shrugged, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired is all.” 

She nodded, though the way her eyebrows furrowed and lips pinched made Jared think she didn’t believe him. 

“Ok. Well, the test results will be in tomorrow morning around noon. I want to do another electronic imaging test in the morning as well, just to see the headaches in action. Until then, how are you feeling?”

Jared sighed, “Can’t complain.”

“Oh, I bet you can.” Sam smirked but shrugged it off and continued on exhale, “There is something I’d like to address in regards to your file here.”

She pulled the clipboard into her hands.

“There is still some missing information on your insurance.” Sam sighed as she crossed her legs, “The hospital still has no emergency contact listed for you. Last time you said you needed time to think about it, but we do need it.” 

Jared let out a sigh that bordered on annoyed as he let her know for what felt like the hundredth time, “I don’t have an emergency contact.”

She tilted her head and raised a single brow, urging him, “Come on, Jared.”

“It’s true.” He announced back, growing frustrated at her insistence, “You know that. My dad died in Iraq and my mom died a year after. I don’t have any siblings.” 

The thing about his dad was a blatant lie, but it was one that he lived by. He didn’t like telling people that his father had abandoned him. It made him feel weak and unlovable. No… he told people that his dad was a hero. He died in the army. That’s why Jared joined, too. He followed in his footsteps. The thing about his mother was a white lie, as well. Truth was, his mom committed suicide after their father left them. Jared found her dead in the bathroom covered in her own blood, wrists slit open. 

The only person that knew the truth about his dad was Chad. When you spend that much time with someone, the secrets come out. He never told him about his mom, though. He’s never told anyone about his mom.

To the outside world? His dad died in Iraq. His mother died… somehow. 

Doctor Smith nodded, but she seemed almost as impatient with him as he was with her, “I understand, but you must have a friend? Or a neighbor?” 

Jared felt his chest tighten. He breathed out slowly and looked down.

“You…” He swallowed, “You know all my friends are dead.”

Sam let out a breath before softening both her expression and voice. She prompted gently, “What about Chad Michael Murray or Misha Collins? They were in the same incident as you and survived.”

Jared shrugged, growing sadder by the moment.

“Misha lives across the country. Chad and I… we don’t talk anymore.”

Sam looked down, her expression sympathetic.

“Okay.” She whispered before looking back up and asking, “Sweetie, is there anyone who would want to know if something were to happen to you?” 

Jared’s instinct was to immediately say no. That’s what he thought. But… 

“Maybe Chad. Even though he’s mad…”  _ He’d still want to know if I was dead _ .

“Ok.” Sam nodded, taking the pen out of her pocket and clicking it so the tip was exposed, “Can you give me a phone number?”

Jared brought his hand up to the back of his neck and rubbed it nervously. He just hoped that the day would never come that Chad was called because of something happening to him. That would be a very awkward situation.

“Yeah.” He whispered before rattling off the number from memory.

Sam wrote it down as he announced it and smiled when she finished, acknowledging, “Thank you, Jared.”

“Yeah.” He replied simply, “Just…” 

She raised her brows, “Just what?” 

“Just don’t call him unless it’s really bad.” He cringed before self-correcting with a sad mumble, “Not that he’d come anyway.” 

Sam sighed, “I’m sure he’d come, Jared.”

He didn’t respond, just smiled sadly as she stood up from her chair. 

“Alright.” She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, “I’m going to be on shift for the next five hours, but I will leave you be for now. Get some sleep, okay? I’ll check in with you in the morning. Just call if you need anything.” 

“Thanks, Sam.” 

She smiled, “Goodnight, Jared.” 

He nodded his head in acknowledgement and watched her walk out the door. 

He curled his legs right back into his chest and disappeared into his thoughts once again.

It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared’s gets a visitor.

_ “He showed up an hour ago. He hasn’t spoken since.”  _

_ “Have you called his parents?” _

_ “Yes, but no response. We called from his phone, but neither of them are picking up their phones.”  _

_ “Ok. You did the right thing calling us.” _

_ Jared buried his head in his knees, wrapping his arms around his body so he was as small as physically possible. His eyes were bright red from tears and his cheeks were flushed from all the crying. His lips were dry and cracking, and his whole body was shaking. There was a headache pulsing in his brain from the dehydration.  _

_ Three hours ago he had found his mother’s body lying on the bathroom floor. She was soaked in her own blood, her hair matted with the red liquid. Her wrists were slit open and her eyes were still staring up. Jared ran in and shook her, gave her compressions to the best of his memory and tried to give CPR, but it was no use. She was long gone. He cried for over an hour, just holding her to his body and shaking with sobs.  _

_ “Mama, please!” He begged, squeezing his eyes shut and hoping when he opened them that she would be alive.  _

_ When it was clear she wasn’t coming back, Jared closed her eyes with his fingertips and left her behind, running out the door to the playground a couple blocks away. All he could do was distance himself. His mind was blind panic, fear, and grief.  _

_ He sat down in the middle of the wood chips and screamed, giant tears falling down his chests and sobs racking his entire body. He folded his arms into himself to clutch at his pained, nauseous stomach and continued crying. His vision was blurred and his entire body ached.  _

_ “Excuse me, son. Are you alright?” A female voice sounded behind him and he just cried more, shivering. _

_ “Are you hurt?” The voice was closer. _

_ In the next few minutes a kind looking woman with doe eyes and blonde hair gathered him in her arms and walked him into her house across the street. He didn’t have any fight left in his body. He just let her take him.  _

_ That’s how he ended up here: curled up with his head buried in his knees and arms wrapped around his legs so he was as small as physically possible. Briana, the woman who brought him inside and wrapped him up in a blanket, had called the police and was now talking to a single officer at the door. _

_ “Do you have a name?”  _

_ “I looked at his phone. It looks like his name is Jared Padalecki. He ran to the playground so he must not live too far from here.”  _

_ Jared let out a shaky breath. He didn’t know whether he wanted them to know who he was or not. What happens to a thirteen year old kid that has no parents?  _

_ “Ok.” The police officer sighed and then he was walking towards Jared, kneeling down in front of him and softly introducing, “Hi there, Jared. My name is officer Sheppard. It’s nice to meet you.”  _

_ Jared kept his head buried and didn’t make any move to respond to the man.  _

_ “You seem upset, kiddo.” The officer offered, “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” _

_ Jared shook his head rapidly, letting out a little sob.  _

_ “Ok.” The cop sighed, “Listen, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. I promise you’re safe.”  _

_ Jared squeezed his eyes closed and tried to fight the throbbing in his head. His lungs burned and his throat was dry and sore. He choked on a gasp. _

_ “Jared, please.” It was Briana talking now, her voice softer and more welcoming than the policeman, “We want to help you.”  _

_ Finally, finally he peered up. He met the eyes of the man kneeling in front of him and felt his lip quiver. He couldn’t bring himself to say that his mother was dead so he just whimpered out the one thing that would connect all the dots for them: his address.  _

_ “16…” He sniffled, his voice barely audible, “Concord road.”  _

_ The police officer smiled small and nodded, “Okay. That’s not far from here. Can I give you a ride home?”  _

_ Jared’s heart immediately started pounding and he yelled, “No!”  _

_ His vision blurred and his entire body started shaking. All he could think was that he would  _ _ never _ _ go back there.  _ _ Never _ _. _

_ “No!” He screamed again, not aware of his own body moving away from the two people in front of him, “No! I can’t go back there! No!” _

——————

Jared sighed as he woke up to the sound of a knocking at his door. He’d just gotten through his third headache this morning, and the little wires connecting his head to the machine beside him made little staticy noises. Sam set him up with the wires around six am, asking for him to call her when each headache was over so she could document the results. After she marked down the third one, she told him to take a quick nap. He did that a lot of the time after his headaches. She left the wires on to ‘record any residual effects,’ but they would come off as soon as she came back. It was 11:00 now, and she said she’d be back with results around 11:30. If all went well, he’d be good to go. 

Jared turned onto his side and wrinkled his eyebrows when he heard another knock at the door. He shot up in the bed, confused. Doctor Sam was early by quite a bit, and that wasn’t her typical MO.

“Uh, yeah?” He asked, voice loud enough to be heard on the other side of the wall. He squinted his eyes as the doorknob turned. 

Man was he shocked to see who was on the other side of the door.

Pretty green eyes. Dirty blonde hair. 6’1. 

“Hey.” Jensen smiled as he stepped in hesitantly, closing the door behind him. 

“Jensen?” Jared asked in total disbelief, shaking his head and stuttering out, “How… how did you find me?”

_ What the hell is going on? _

Jensen shrugged as he walked in, looking a little tired and a lot smug.

“Well, you gave me a first and last name. Plus, I saw you walk into the neurology ward, so… some light persuasion to the ladies at the front desk and I was in.” He smiled, looking rather impressed with himself.

Jared raised a brow, and as the surprise wore off he started to feel mighty insecure about his current set up. There were two wires sticking to the sides of his head and an iv up his arm. He also just woke up from a nap. His hair was probably a total mess. Not attractive! 

“Uhm…” he flushed a little as he looked down at his body, “Why did you want to find me?”

Jensen walked a little further into the room, his body language clearly displaying nerves. His steps were small and his shoulders were tense. Jared was still confused to all hell as to why Jensen would want to see him again, nevermind go to all the trouble he did to do so. He eyed the shorter man skeptically as he walked closer.

“Honestly?” He asked sort of rhetorically, but Jared nodded nonetheless. Jensen continued, wincing a little almost in embarrassment as he spoke, “I don’t really have a good reason. I just… I couldn’t get you out of my head. I felt like I wanted to know more about you. I… I know that probably sounds strange.” 

Jensen looked down at the floor and shifted his weight on his feet. Jared knit his brows. 

Why on earth would Jensen not be able to get him out of his head? Why the hell would he want to know more about…  _ oh _ . 

“More about why I’m in the hospital, you mean.” He clarified.

That was always the case. People got curious as to why a young man like himself was always in and out of these places. It was like they were playing their own game of ‘Psychiatrist’ where whoever guesses what problem he has wins a trip to disneyworld. He wasn’t human, he was a display at a museum. A constant target for curious glances, inappropriate questions, and disbelief. 

“No.” Jensen immediately denied, actually looking a little offended by the idea of that. 

Jared was surprised enough that he looked up from his lap to eyeball the man now making his way to the end of his bed. 

Jensen continued, “I just really appreciated your kindness, Jared. I wanted to let you know that my nana was very thankful and that she enjoyed her soda. So, thank you again.” He took a long breath before adding, “I also noticed that I might have made you uncomfortable when I asked about why you were in the hospital, so I wanted to apologize for that. It’s none of my business and I’m sorry for pushing.”

Jared raised his eyebrows, completely thrown by Jensen’s words. He remained silent for a moment and watched as a smirk started to crawl its way up Jensen’s lips. He sat down by Jared’s feet at the end of the bed.

“And just between us,” He whispered, leaning in a bit, “I think you’re really cute.” 

Jared almost spat in his face. The shocked and disbelieving laugh that erupted out of him stunned them both. 

“What’s so funny?” Jensen asked, eyebrows drawn tight in confusion. Then a mortified look made its way onto his face and he blurted out, “Shit, are you straight? I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“I’m definitely not straight.” Jared shook his head and continued laughing a little, breathlessly, before informing Jensen, “And  _ you’re _ what’s funny!”

Jensen just tilted his head, so Jared continued. 

“Nobody thinks I’m  _ cute _ . I’m a fucking hot mess. I have wires attached to my brain and I’m…” He stopped, realizing he was about to confess all of his trauma to a complete stranger. He sighed, “There’s no way.”

Jensen’s expression remained serious. He looked Jared up and down and shook his head a little.

He was in visible disbelief when he spoke to Jared, “I don’t know why on earth you think that, but it’s certainly not true. Those eyes? That little freckle there? Your hair? All turn ons, my friend.” 

Jared narrowed his eyes and straightened his back before asking in a disbelieving voice, "You're serious?” 

Jensen smiled a little as he replied, “Deadly serious.” 

“You don’t want to know why I’m here?” He asked skeptically, “Why there are wires on my head?”

Jensen took a deep breath before admitting, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious, but that’s your business, not mine. You don’t owe me anything. Actually, I kinda owe you. That’s why I wanted to come actually, I wanted to see if I could buy you a coffee sometime?”

Jared’s eyes widened and before he could even think he was stammering out, “You… you want to buy me coffee?” 

Jensen jutted his chin out a little and smirked. He was looking at Jared the way a person looks at a clumsy puppy- all amusement and ‘ _ how adorable _ .’ Jared couldn’t honestly tell if he was offended by that or not.

“Yeah, I do.” Was all he said, though his eyes and his smile made it seem like he wanted to say more. 

Jared blinked. He looked down at his body and shook his head.

“I don’t understand. You don’t even know what’s wrong with me. You don’t even know if I would be capable of having a normal relationship.” He stammered, looking up at Jensen skeptically.

“Woah, slow down.” Jensen laughed, not looking off-put, but rather amused, “I’m asking for coffee, not proposing.”

Jare flushed a bit and looked down, scratching nervously at the back of his neck. He was still all too aware of the wires sticking to his forehead and his probable bedhead. Still, Jensen seemed sweet. One date couldn’t hurt, right?

“Uh, yeah…” He let out in a long exhale, “Yes.”

Jensen smiled and Jared took a breath before saying more calmly, “Sorry, I mean… yes, we can get coffee sometime.”

“Great.” Jensen beamed, “Hand me your phone, I’ll grab your number.” 

Jared did as told, watching as Jensen’s eyes widened when he pulled the large black device into view.

“Woah, military, huh?” Jensen asked when he took the phone and saw the case. It was a heavy-duty black case, army-issued; bulletproof, thick, and waterproof.

Jared suddenly felt nervous. He wasn’t planning on revealing that much. Not yet, at least.

“How…” He swallowed, “How did you know?”

Jensen shrugged as he typed his number in, “My dad has quite a few buddies that served. These things are industrial.” He waved the case a little in show, “I’ve never seen anyone that wasn’t military use one of these monstrosities.” 

He looked up quickly, “No offense.”

Jared laughed, ”None taken. It’s not supposed to be pretty. It’s practical.” 

“This brick is practical to you?” Jensen asked teasingly, dropping the phone to his other hand to illustrate its hefty weight. 

_ Yeah, when you’re being shot at it’s practical. When there is nowhere even remotely close that you could get a replacement if it were to break, it’s practical.  _

Jared pinched his lips a little and looked down, “Not anymore, I guess. It was practical back when…” He swallowed, “Anyway, yeah, it’s probably time to get a new one.”

Jensen looked at him for a moment, his curious eyes making Jared feel a little bit like he was being studied. But then the blonde, green-eyed man in front of him cleared his throat and handed the phone back to him.

“Joining the military takes a certain type of character.” He said softly yet firmly, “It‘s impressive. So, good for you, Jared. I mean that.” 

Jared nodded slightly before smiling tightly and responding, “Thanks.” 

“What branch?” Jensen asked next, shifting a bit at the end of the bed to get more comfortable. 

“Army.” Jared answered easily, used to that question.

Jensen nodded, “My dad’s buddy, Paul, was in the army for fifteen years. He spent some time in Vietnam, but doesn’t talk about it much. It was a dark time for him, I think. Mostly he has happy stories. Brotherhood ‘n all. I’m sure you get that.”

Jared let out a shaky breath. He could still see all their faces so clearly. Cohen, Brown, Roche… so many more. All smiling and singing tunes and talking about their lives back home… they were brothers. Friends forged from fire. Family created through fight. 

His thoughts quickly shifted.

The images of all his friends, his teammates, the people who trusted him lying in pools of blood on the cold, wet ground flooded his brain. The songs played at each of their funerals sounded in his ears and the sickening feeling he got when the commander told him who had died returned. His stomach twisted and he grimaced. He thought of Chad, who had tried to help him, but whom he had pushed away. He thought of the way he cried when he first saw Jared in the hospital, and the outburst he had when he was told he’d never hear out of his left ear again.

He took a deep breath and pushed the thoughts away.

“Yeah.” He whispered, avoiding eye contact and keeping his emotions in check, “I get that.”

It was clear that the unspoken meaning behind his words got through to Jensen. He knit his brows and reached forward to place his hand on Jared’s shin, giving a little comforting squeeze and softly saying back, “I’m sorry.”

Jared shook his head, but waited until his throat was clear of tears to respond, “It’s okay. Not your fault.”

Jensen kept his gaze trained on Jared, eyebrows pulled in, “It doesn’t have to be my fault to feel sorry. Losing a friend… I can’t even imagine that feeling. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“I uh…” Jared cleared his throat and shook his head to clear the emotions, “I don’t want to talk about that anymore.”

Jensen nodded in understanding, “Of course.” 

Jared looked up, “Look, my neurologist is going to be back in a few minutes to take all this stuff off. Then I’ll get the results from the head scans and if it’s all clear, I’ll be good to go. If you still want to do coffee…” 

“I would love to.” Jensen smiled, “Can I meet you here in an hour? I’ll take you to my favorite place.” 

Jared looked down at his watch and considered it before sighing and relenting, “Ok.”

Jensen smiled wide and repeated hopefully, “Ok?” 

Jared nodded before repeating for the third time between them, “Ok.”

Jensen stood up.

“Awesome. Well, I’ll leave you to it, then. I uh… I hope your scan results are clear.” He squinted a little, his voice genuine as he added, “You deserve to get out of here.” 

Jared felt a warm feeling pool in his body. 

“Thank you.” He said, and he tried to convey how much he meant that in his tone, “I’ll text you, okay?” 

Jensen nodded. He walked forward a half step like he was about to come and hug Jared, but then he hesitated and stepped back. He laughed it off and brought a hand up to the back of his neck, rubbing it nervously.

“Okay, well, I’ll see you in a little while.” He blushed a little as he walked to the door. He stopped right in the door frame with his hand on the knob and turned to look at Jared. He offered one final little wave before exiting.

Right after he left, Jared found himself actually smiling. That might have been the first time since his return to the states. 

He tried to think logically -Jensen didn’t know about his condition. He didn’t realize what a hassle Jared’s life was. He didn’t  _ know  _ him- but all he could think about was the taste of normalcy he was finally getting and the gorgeous green eyes that were giving it to him. Maybe he was fooling himself, but you know what? Too damn bad.

When Sam walked in, her smile widened at the sight of Jared’s face. He must’ve been portraying more giddiness than he realized.

“You look happy!” She said excitedly, stepping forward and closing the door behind her, “Don’t tell me you’re starting to enjoy head scans?” 

Jared laughed at the joke, shaking his head and answering, “Certainly not.” 

She smirked before reaching down to squeeze his shoulder. She spoke softly, “A smile looks good on you.” 

Jared looked down and felt his cheeks burn up a bit. He cleared his throat and looked back up, smiling softly, “Thanks.” 

Sam’s eyes were warm as she looked down at him. She walked around his side and started peeling wires off of his face with care. 

“This mood have anything to do with the gentleman I saw walking out of here a few minutes ago?” She asked after a moment, her tone teasing but hopeful at the same time. 

Jared jerked his head to look at her, eyes widening. 

“Relax.” Sam laughed before winking, “He couldn’t stop smiling, either.” 

Jared’s smile widened at that (against his will). 

“You deserve this, Jared.” Sam said sweetly as she peeled off the last wire and unplugged the machine connected to his head, “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you excited about something.” 

Jared looked at her and defended, “It’s just a date, Sam. No big deal.” 

She raised her brows as she took a seat in the chair next to his bed, “And would you have agreed to go on a date two months ago?”

Jared looked down, knowing the answer.

“Exactly.” She said knowingly, “This is progress, Jared. You are so much farther along than you were when you first came in here. I’m proud of you.” 

Jared’s eyes started to water but he blinked the tears away. He smiled tightly and whispered, “Thank you, Sam. A lot of it is because of you.”

Sam tilted her head, “You’re too modest.” 

He laughed a little, almost painfully, before taking a deep breath and meeting his doctor’s eyes.

“Can you please give me the report, Sam?” He asked hesitantly, suddenly hoping that all of this small talk wasn’t her delaying having to tell him negative results. 

Her smile dropped a bit and she nodded stoicly. Her body language went more rigid and careful- making Jared’s pulse increase and his palms sweat.

“Of course.” She sighed, pulling a clipboard into her lap and looking down at her own notes, “I will still need time to go over today’s results, but I’ll call you when those are ready. No need to wait for them. Your MRI didn’t show any significant change.”

“So, is that good or bad?” Jared asked quietly, fearing the answer. 

“Both?” Sam squinted a little, “Or neither.” 

Jared just waved his head a little in a gesture that said  _ go on _ … 

She sighed, “See, since this is your first one in a couple months and there was no change, I’d say that we are hitting a stand-still in your recovery.”

Jared’s stomach dropped and he swallowed around the lump in his throat before repeating her words like they were poison, “A stand-still?”

She nodded solemnly, “I fear that we have reached the precipice. Your condition is likely to remain the same from here on. It shouldn’t get any worse, which is a good thing.”

“But it also won’t get any better.” He finished her thoughts out loud.

She sighed, “I’m afraid it’s unlikely.”

Jared folded his hands in his lap and looked down at them, eyes filling with tears and throat choking up. He knew rationally that getting better was a long shot. He’d already made peace with that… or so he thought. Hearing it said out loud that he was stuck like this forever, though…  _ damn _ it hit him. 

“I’m sorry, Jared.” Sam reached out and squeezed his knee, “Truly.” 

Jared just nodded and looked up, smiling close-lipped and tightly through the tears threatening to fall.

Sam’s eyebrows were drawn in tightly and her lips were pulled into a frown. She took a breath and told him, “Well, hey… you came in here paralyzed and so brain damaged they didn’t know if you would ever speak again. Your progress is nothing short of inspiring. Don’t look at this as a stop, look at it as the incredible result of modern medicine and your determination.”

Jared just nodded again, still not wanting to speak and risk her hearing the emotions gathering in his throat and tongue. 

Because that was human nature, wasn’t it? People… they want  _ more _ . It’s not in us to  _ stop _ , to be  _ satisfied _ . Once we get a taste of good fortune, we want more. We crave it. Sure, Jared is blessed to have made it out of the explosion  _ alive _ , nevermind with the ability to walk and cognate. He was incredibly lucky to have his headaches shorter than they used to be, and to gain feeling back in his lower body. But still… he had gotten a taste of the drug that was recovery, and he was addicted. He was human, afterall, and that meant that he wanted  _ more _ . 

But he couldn’t have it. 

Sam leaned in towards him and started softly, “I want to recommend a specialist for you. He’s a practicing psychiatrist named Doctor Boules. I think that talking to a professional about this could help you.”

Jared shot his head up, locking his jaw, “I don’t need to talk to somebody about this. We always knew it would end this way, right? I’ll be fine on my own.” 

Sam sighed.

“You are capable of succeeding on your own, Jared. But there is no shame in needing a little help.” 

“Fine.” Jared said just to please her, “Just give me a number or whatever and I’ll think about it.” 

Sam nodded and proceeded to write down a note for Jared. She looked back up at him and placed the note down on the table.

“Please do give him a call.” She pleaded before exhaling and standing up, “But with that done, you are free to go. I’ll dismiss you at the front desk.” 

Jared nodded and sat up straight, “Sam… None of this is your fault. I just need a little time.” 

“I know, honey.” She smiled tightly before heading to the door and opening it, “I’ll see you in a little while, Jared.”

As she walked out, she winked and added quickly, “Enjoy your date.” 

Jared’s heart seized. He had already forgotten about the date. He looked down at his watch and saw it was just about an hour since Jensen left. He should be meeting him… well…  _ now _ . 

He quickly stood up and swore under his breath as he walked into the bathroom. He grimaced at his own image and spent a solid ten minutes cleaning himself up. He used the supplied plastic razor to shave his face and slid deodorant on quickly. He fixed his hair the way he liked it and pulled on a navy v-neck tee with a pair of light wash jeans. Good enough. Better, at least… 

As he walked out of the bathroom, he picked up his phone and saw the single message lit up on his screen. It was simple, but direct. Unmistakable.

_ Outside. See you soon.  _

Jared exhaled and nodded to himself. He quietly picked up all of his stuff and headed out the door, stopping quickly at the front desk to make sure he was all set to leave. He halted himself at the front desk, however. The overwhelming emotions that Sam had laid upon him were still right up at surface level. He didn’t want Jensen to see that- have to deal with that. So, he took a moment and some deep breaths before stepping through the door. As soon as he walked outside, he flicked his eyes around in search of the green eyed man. He didn’t see anyone, though. Not even a stray nurse or paramedic. When his eyes landed on the giant, ‘67 chevy impala parked a few yards away, his eyebrows flicked up to his hairline. Sweet ride… 

He looked down at his phone and was just about to text Jensen about his whereabouts when suddenly the driver’s side door to the impala was being flung open. Jared’s head shot up and his breath caught. Standing right beside that beautiful car was none other than Jensen freakin’ Ackles.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date number 1!

“She’s a beaut, right?” Was the first thing out of Jensen’s mouth, a bright smile on his face as he crossed his arms and leaned forward onto the roof of the car in front of him.

Jared shook his head a little in awe and smiled back, “Yeah, that’s one word for it.”

Jensen’s smile widened and then he gestured with his head towards himself and the impala, “Well come on then, let’s go for a ride.”

Jared exhaled and walked forward as Jensen slid back down into the driver’s seat. He approached the car carefully, scared that one wrong move would taint her. He’d never seen a car so damn perfect. He opened the door slowly and slid into the passenger seat, closing it gently behind him. He looked around at the interior and became even more impressed. 

“Damn.” He exhaled, a little smirk on his face as his eyes swept over the upholstery.

Jensen smiled like a kid in a candy store, “Cool, right?”

Jared nodded, “Definitely cool.” 

Jared condemned himself for the breathiness of his voice. He still had a bit of a lump in his throat. Jensen eyed him and then his smile dropped a little, becoming less gleeful and a little more concerned. His eyebrows furrowed a bit and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. 

“How did your tests go?” He inquired slightly hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed to ask. 

Jared looked down, letting out a long exhale before swallowing and telling the man, “Uh, same old. Nothing got worse. Nothing got better.” 

He tried to say it as nonchalantly as possible, but he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his tone. 

Jensen waited a solid few seconds before prompting, “Well, that’s… that can be good, right?”

Jared tilted his head and shrugged, “I guess so.”

Jensen turned his body towards him more, “You seem bummed.”

Jared swallowed and leaned his head back against the seat, “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s hard not to hope for a miracle sometimes. I’ll get over it.” 

Jensen’s knuckles grew pale white from his tight grip on the steering wheel. He looked down momentarily before peering back up at Jared and asking quietly, “Listen, I’m not going to pressure you into telling me what’s going on, because I know that it’s personal and hard to talk about. But can you just…” He exhaled before swallowing and asking, “Is it fatal?”

“No!” Jared quelled the worry quickly, shooting his head up with wide eyes. Jensen visibly relaxed and Jared continued more calmly, “No, nothing like that.”

Jensen let out a relieved exhale and smiled a little, “Thank God.” 

Jared tilted his head in acknowledgement before looking down and deciding to tell Jensen the truth. May as well. If he wanted to leave him in the dust because of his condition, it was better to find out early. Before he became attached. 

“Uhm, I have persistent PTHD. It’s post traumatic headache disorder. There was an incident a while ago in Iraq…” He paused for a moment, not wanting to get emotional, “It was messy. Only three men walked out of it alive, me being one of them. I sustained a severe concussion and spinal damage. I regained the ability to walk after a long couple of months, but my brain never fully healed. I get pretty bad headaches on the daily, sometimes worse than others. They’re dehabilitating. For the length of them, I can’t really move or focus, or… anything, really. Most of the time they happen earlier in the day. They used to be constant, but now they seem to max out at three headaches.” 

He stopped talking and turned to look at Jensen, whose jaw was loose and eyes slightly watery. 

“I’m sorry, that’s a lot to dump on you.” Jared apologized, cringing at his own overshare.

Jensen just raised his brows and shook his head, clearly taking a second to pull himself together. Jared was waiting for a response- maybe some overt sympathy, or disgust, or pity. Instead… he got Jensen turning back to face the wheel and putting the car into reverse. 

“Let’s get some coffee, Jared.” He said simply before pulling out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

Jared had no idea how to take that, but he figured that giving Jensen some time to wrap his head all around the word vomit that just erupted from his throat was completely fair. Actually, it was  _ necessary.  _

So he just sat quietly and watched the car absorb the pavement as Jensen drove, his heart heavy and hands gathering sweat. He was anxious as all hell, but trying to convince himself that he was safe, he was okay, and he would survive this. The awkwardness of his situation and the tension in the air reminded Jared of being abroad, but he swallowed that anxiety down. He couldn’t have a panic attack now. 

Five minutes of a silent drive later, they were pulling into a small parking lot next to a little coffee shop right in the middle of a giant intersection. It was like one of those pictures of a perfect oasis in the middle of a desert, or a little jungle thriving with wildlife in the middle of a mass-industrialized city. A breath of fresh air that probably shouldn’t be there, yet somehow fit in so perfectly. 

“Come on.” Jensen told him smoothly as he hopped out of the car once it was parked. Jared got out of his side and closed his own door before meeting up with Jensen at the front of the car. They connected eyes for a moment before they were walking side by side into the main entrance. Jensen held the door open and Jared tried not to blush. 

“Anthony, how’s it going?” Jensen immediately greeted the older looking man behind the counter. Jared was surprised by their familiarity. He raised his brows a little and followed behind as Jensen walked forward, smiling.

“Jensen!” The man -Anthony, apparently- hollered, smiling wide, “Good to see you, buddy. Same order?”

Jensen nodded and smiled, “Please.”

Anthony picked up a paper coffee cup and started preparing a drink behind the counter. He looked over the giant espresso machine and eyed Jared for a moment before turning to Jensen.

“Ah, and who’s this?” He asked, wiggling his brows a bit in a suggestive tease.

Jensen laughed a little, perhaps uncomfortably, before looking over his shoulder at Jared and then directing his gaze back to Anthony, “This is Jared. Jared, this is Anthony. Family friend.”

Anthony smiled and looked over at Jared, “Nice to meet you, Jared. What can I get you to drink?”

Jared smiled back at the man, “Nice to meet you too. Uh, coffee? Black.”

Anthony looked borderline  _ wounded _ .

“Black coffee?!” He gasped, “At a place like this? I make one of the best cappachinos in the world and you want  _ black coffee _ ? Jensen, your friend has no taste!” 

The tone of his voice said he was clearly just kidding around, but Jared felt uncomfortable all of a sudden -like a zoo animal on display. He cleared his throat and reached back to scratch at his neck.

“Sorry,” He stammered a little, “I’ll uh… I’ll take a cappachino.”

Anthony smiled and turned back to Jensen with a single raised brow, “Okay. I suppose you can keep him around.”

Jensen laughed a little before saying sarcastically, “Thanks for the permission, Tony.”

Anthony gave him a knowing look before turning back to making the drinks. Jared stepped a little closer to Jensen and leaned in, whispering, “Guess we’ll find out if I like cappachinos.”

Jensen audibly laughed, head leaning back a little and crow’s feet appearing by his eyes. Jared suddenly felt the tension in his body relent and finally, he could relax his shoulders and breathe again. 

A handful of minutes later the coffees came out piping hot, sitting on the counter. Jensen reached for his wallet, but Anthony tisked.

“Uh-uh. On the house.” He insisted, waving a dismissive hand.

Jensen tilted his head, “Come on Tony, you know you don’t have to do that.”

Anthony just crossed his arms and took on a stubborn looking face and stance. Jensen laughed a little before putting his hands up in surrender, “Alright, alright. Fine.”

He and Jared then walked over to the table farthest from the counter, right next to a small window. Jensen sat down with a soft grunt and Jared followed suit. Jensen swallowed as he put his coffee down. He then looked up at Jared and there were quite a few emotions in his eyes. Jared didn’t think he could even name them.

“So…” Jensen starting, leaning back in his chair, “You are incredible and I want to know more about you.” 

Jared’s eyebrows shot up and he almost choked on his own spit. That was just about the last thing he expected to hear. He couldn’t even process the words that just came out of Jensen’s mouth. He shook his head in disbelief and just stuttered out, “What?”

Jensen took a sip of his coffee before putting it back down on the table, “Look, I didn’t want to have this conversation in the car because I wanted to be able to actually see you when you talked to me. But, seriously… I want you to tell me more about yourself.”

Jared let out a shaky, surprised breath, “About my condition, or the army, or… what?”

Jensen shrugged, “Whatever you wanna share.”

Jared nodded and looked down, slightly overwhelmed. He reached down and took a sip of the cappuccino. A little too milky for his taste, but delicious nonetheless. He exhaled.

“Can we maybe start with you?” He asked, eyes squinting a little, “I need a second to collect my thoughts.” 

Jensen puffed his bottom lip out and nodded, “Yeah, sure. What do you wanna know?”

Jared smirked before throwing his words back at him, “Whatever you wanna share.”

Jensen raised a single brow, “Well played.”

Turns out, Jensen was born in Texas, just like him. He loved the Cowboys, just like him. He was a total momma’s boy, just like him. He liked beer and learning new things and playing with dogs…  _ just. like. him.  _

He grew up with an older brother and a younger sister - the middle child. His mom and dad were still happily married and he adored them and their relationship. It’s what he’s always aspired to have. His grandmother is his hero. She babysat him a ton as a kid and they bonded. Jensen loves her with everything in him. She’s struggling with heart problems in her old age, but still hanging in tough. Jensen admired her strength and love. He’s a total family man. His parents and siblings are his rocks. He calls his mom daily to check in and facetimes at least a few times a month with his sister and brother. 

Not so much like Jared, anymore.

He was a psychology teacher at a high school in Austin. He studied for years and got his masters in the subject. He loved how it allowed him to read people, to understand their situations better. He never truly understood empathy before college. He graduated cum laude and booked a job soon after. He was still in some debt, but his head was certainly above the water and he was content with his life.

Yeah, not so much like Jared.

When he was done talking, their coffees were half empty and Jared was all the more nervous. He didn’t want to be compared to  _ that _ , good lord.

“Well, Jensen, you kinda have the life I always wanted.” He smiled, looking downward. It wasn’t jealous so much as a way to say ‘I admire you.’

Jensen leaned forward, “Well, it’s not all puppy dogs and rainbows, but yeah. I’m very lucky. What about you, what’s your situation like?”

“Only child.” He started easily, leaning back, “My dad died when I was pretty young. He was an army vet.”

That was a lie. His dad abandoned him and his mother and never left so much as a note. But a stranger didn’t need to know that. Not yet. Only Chad knew, and Jared already kinda regretted telling  _ him _ .

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Jensen said softly, but Jared just shook his head, dismissing it.

“That’s okay.” He sighed before continuing, “My uh… my mom died suddenly a little less than a year after him.” 

“Shit.” Jensen exhaled, expression laced with remorse, “I’m so sorry.”

Again, Jared just shook his head, brushing it off.

“Uhm, after my mom passed, my auntie took me in. She kept me for a few years before deciding I was too much for her to take care of and dumped me into the foster system. I was around 15 at that time. I bounced between a few houses until I finished high school. The second I turned 18 and became legal, I enlisted. Four years here in the US before my first deployment to Iraq. I was back and forth after that. My buddy Chad was sort of what your family was for you, you know? I met him when I was 18 and we were close as brothers. When you go through the things we went through together… you bond.” 

He took a small break to keep the emotions back before breathing in and continuing.

“He was in my unit during our last deployment to Iraq. Him, and five other men. Seven of us total. We were all…” He looked down as his eyes started to water, “We marched right over an uncharted landmine. The first four men were dead instantly, they had no chance. I was flung yards away and Chad landed on top of me. I obviously injured my head and my spine. Chad lost his hearing in his left ear entirely. He can barely walk on his left leg ‘cause his knee is so messed up. Misha… he was the only other man to survive. He’s paralyzed from the neck down and lives across the country. Chad…”

He pinched his lips and sighed before continuing.

“I was in a really dark place after the incident. I couldn’t walk, my head was paralyzingly painful, and I had extreme panic attacks from the memories. Chad tried to help me through it, but eventually I got sick of the mother-henning and blew up on him. He called me selfish and said I just wanted pity. He left after that, and we haven’t talked since. I’m uh… I’m kind of a loner.”

Jensen looked shell-shocked. He stared at Jared for a few moments before leaning forward and telling him sincerely, “I don’t honestly have the words.”

Jared smiled sadly, “It’s okay. I know it’s too much for people. Nobody should have to carry my burdens.”

Jensen immediately shook his head, “No, no, not that. Not at all. I just mean… It’s incredible how much you’ve been through and surmounted. I can’t imagine all of that pain and loss. But, still, here you are. Smiling, ordering coffee, listening to me jabber about my college career.” 

Jared laughed a little and Jensen reached out, placing his hand over Jared’s and squeezing gently. He smiled softly and said quietly, “I knew there was something special about you.”

Jared scoffed, “Oh yeah, there’s something special about me alright.”

Jensen raised a brow and pressed, “I’m serious. Not many people would come out of what you did in one piece. Much less be willing to talk about it.”

Jared shrugged, “Coming out of it in one piece is debatable.” 

Jensen stood his ground, a look of determination in his eyes as he stated, “No, it’s not.”

Jared smiled shyly. 

They spent the rest of their coffee date chatting about Texas, football, and the army. With the deep stuff out of the way, they could talk like they were actually just two normal people having a conversation. They flirted back and forth and Jared swore he was developing feelings for the man across from him. So much so, that when it was time to leave, he really didn’t want to go. They walked out to the car and took their respective seats, Jensen sitting behind the wheel and pulling out of the parking lot. Jared gave him his address and then they were en route. 

When they pulled into his driveway, Jensen put the car in park and leaned back with a sigh, turning his head so he was facing Jared. 

“I had a lot of fun, Jared.” He said softly, maintaining eye contact.

Jared looked over at him and smiled softly back, “Me too.”

“I’d like to do this again sometime.” Jensen said boldly, “Not necessarily coffee, but… a date.”

Jared wasn’t even shocked. He was comfortable with Jensen wanting to be around him. Maybe Sam was right… he was progressing. 

“I’d love to.” He smiled.

“Good.” Jensen smiled back. He sighed and then said, “Well, I’ll see you later, Jared.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” Jared echoed, knowing that it was his cue to get out of the car and go home. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Jensen didn’t look like he was expecting it either. They stayed sitting there, staring at each other intently, neither moving a muscle.

Until suddenly they were both surging forward and their lips were crashing into eachother. Jared hummed in surprise, honestly having no idea who started it. He didn’t care. He just reached up and laced his fingers in Jensen’s hair, pulling him close. Their lips weaved and the way Jensen sucked and pulled on his bottom lip was intoxicating. Jensen wrapped an arm around Jared’s shoulders to keep him close, sighing contently into his mouth. Eventually they pulled away, foreheads resting against eachother, and they both smiled like fucking cheshire cats. Jensen laughed out loud, breathlessly. His arm was still wrapped around Jared’s shoulders and he firmly squeezed his bicep.

“Damn.” He exhaled, licking his bottom lip and smiling wide.

Jared laughed in return, echoing, “Damn.”

“Kissing on the first date.” Jensen sighed out, still out of breath from the intensity of it all, “That’s a little naughty, Jared.”

Jared laughed, just as breathlessly, “As if you aren’t just as guilty.”

Jensen smirked, “Never said I wasn’t.”

Jared smiled and pulled away with a long inhale, knowing that he needed to get into his house sometime soon. They’d have their chance for a second date later on.

“Now I  _ really  _ can’t wait for date number two.” Jensen told him, smile still plastered on and eyes glistening like he was high.

Jared nudged him lightly as he reached for the door, “Text me soon, okay?”

Jensen nodded, “You got it.”

Jared swung the door open and went to get out, but there was suddenly a hand on his shoulder pulling him back into the car. Jared looked backwards in surprise and confusion. 

“One more for the road?” Jensen asked, eyebrows raised and lips puckered.

And how  _ the fuck  _ could Jared resist that?

He relented immediately, leaning in towards Jensen and letting their lips meet once again. It was a steady push-and-pull this time, less intense than the first one but slightly more comfortable. More familiar. When Jared pulled away, he placed one stray kiss on Jensen’s nose. Without either of them having the chance to say anything more, Jared got out of the car and closed the door behind him. He walked up to his house, unlocking the door before stepping in. The second he was inside, he closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, letting out a shaky breath. He slowly reached his hand up to his face and placed two fingers to his lips, remembering the sensation of Jensen’s mouth against his own.

Man, was he in trouble.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared woke up to a piercing, splitting headache. 

It felt like there was a razor sharp knife slicing right along his scalp, fire burning out from what felt like a straight line of intense agony. He let out a stifled breath and pushed his head into his pillow face-first, gritting his teeth together and trying to will the pain away. These ones -these electric, horrifically painful ones- typically lasted for a shorter period of time than the duller, more stagnant ones. It was debatable which kind was worse. The lightning hot agony of these was far more painful, but at least they were over fairly quickly. 

And true to that assumption… the blazing hot anguish faded away after a handful of minutes, maybe twenty or so. Jared blinked and breathed rhythmically into the pillow before flipping onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. He cleared his throat and reached for his phone where he left it on the nightstand last night. He yawned as he lifted it into view, turning it on and blinking a few times to clear his vision before scrolling through the notifications. 

2 news alerts from twitter and one new text message. He furrowed his brows and opened the message, sticking his password in and smiling a little when he saw the text was from Jensen.

_ Good morning  _

That was it. Jared laughed a little. Jensen was clearly not much of a texter. He still smiled nonetheless and simply typed back, 

_ Morning :) _

Five minutes later another text came from Jensen.

_ Old school emoticons, huh? That’s cute. _

Jared laughed. Before he could reply, another message appeared.

_ I want to see you soon. Can I pick you up at noon? _

Jared raised his brows and twisted his head around to look at the alarm clock: 10:37am. 

He sighed. He’d only had one headache today. He was due for more.

_ Later?  _ He typed.

A minute later his phone rang.

“Hey.” He greeted in a sigh.

“Hey, man.” Jensen tossed back before explaining, “Look, I got a conference call at five. I gotta do noon today, or no cigar. What’s up on your end?”

Jared looked down at his hands and replied slowly, “Alright, this is gonna be real boring, just hang in there for a second. I get really bad headaches, typically in sets of three a day. I’ve only had one today, which means two more will be coming in the next few hours. I can’t really be out and about when they happen because I could hurt myself or someone else, and because it’s humiliating. I’m sorry.”

There was a brief pause and Jared started to feel nervous before Jensen breathed out and offered, “What if I just came over?”

Jared furrowed his eyebrows.

“What?”

“What if I came over? You could stay put, not worry about going in public.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know if you really wanna be here when they happen, either.”

“I wanna see you. I don’t give a crap about the headaches.” Then he laughed a little and added in a tease, “Hell, I’ll massage your temples if it’ll help.”

Jared laughed back, “Don’t go digging your own grave. I might just hold you to that.”

He could hear Jensen’s smile when he responded, “Good.”

Awkward silence and then, “So, noon?”

Jared smiled and repeated in affirmation, “Noon.”

Jensen hung up the phone and Jared threw his own down before sitting up in the bed and running a rough palm over his face. He exhaled. He’s got an hour to get ready.

So, he slid off of the bed and quickly made it up in a neat enough fashion. Then, he pulled on a pair of navy sweatpants and a relatively thin white tank top. Hey, he worked hard for his biceps and he was damn well going to flaunt them. 

He quickly combed through his hair and, deciding it was rather unruly, went for a backwards baseball cap instead. 

An hour of straightening out both himself and his apartment later, there was a knock on the door. Jared took one last look in the mirror before strolling up and opening the door. He met Jensen’s bright eyes and smiled wide.

“Hey.” He greeted.

“Well, hello there.” Jensen let out a little whistle, “You look… damn.”

Jared tilted his head down to disguise the blush creeping up his cheeks. He smiled shyly and denied, “Nah, probably just good lighting.” Then he stepped out of the way and gestured with his head, “Come in.”

Jensen smiled shyly and walked in, head swiveling around to get a read on the place he just entered. 

“You got a pretty big place here.” He commented, sounding a little impressed, “Have you had another job since leaving the army?”

“I do IT work for the military from home. My friend Chad hooked me up with it a couple months after…” He paused, trying to figure out how to word it. After a second, he just breathed out and went with, “Everything.” 

Jensen furrowed his brows a little and nodded. He crossed his arms and stepped towards Jared.

“Chad’s an army buddy, right? The one you got in a fight with?” He asked.

Jared felt himself tense. He looked away from Jensen and answered quickly, “He was, yeah.” 

Jensen’s face dropped and his eyes widened. He quickly rushed out an apology. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry!”

“No, no, no!” Jared cut him off, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing in reassurance. He smiled a little before clarifying, “He’s not dead, we just… we don’t talk anymore.” 

Jensen’s shoulders sagged and he breathed out in relief, “Oh… thank God.”

Jensen’s eyes were bright green. His lips were plump and pink and his cheeks were flushed. All Jared wanted to do was kiss him. He couldn’t figure out if that would be appropriate or not. 

“You uh…” Jared laughed a little at himself before adding with slightly raised brows and a smile, “You sure you don’t mind hanging around here?” 

Jensen shook his head immediately and before Jared could even think, he was closing the distance between them and pecking Jared’s lips. As he backed away, he whispered with a faint smile, “I am happy wherever you want to be.” 

Jared couldn’t even respond. That little taste was too much. Like a magnet, he gravitated right back to Jensen’s lips, meeting them with his own. Jensen laughed a little before catching his breath and kissing back, more intimately this time. Jared brought his hand up to hold the small of Jensen’s back as the shorter man brought his own up to cup the back of Jared’s head. 

They kept shuffling backwards until Jared was landing on the couch, Jensen straddling his lap. They made out like fucking teenagers, tongue and saliva and little moans. Hands sliding, eyes closed. 

God only knows how much time passed by before Jensen backed off and laughed breathlessly. He leaned their foreheads against each other and licked his lips.

“Hi.” He exhaled, eyes shining and pupils dilated.

Jared laughed softly and repeated, “Hi.”

They talked for almost an hour about their current jobs, their childhood dreams, and their favorite teachers. Jensen laughed when Jared said his fourth grade math teacher was named Mr.Dickman, and Jared laughed even harder when Jensen said his least favorite class was tenth grade math because the girl two seats behind him rejected his Valentine’s Day candy gram. Eventually, the shorter man slid out of Jared’s lap and they put on some Netflix comedy that they just talked right over anyway. 

It was sort of scaring Jared how easily he could talk to this man. There were several times when he found those memories he kept behind cement walls on the tip of his tongue and had to consciously pull himself back. He couldn’t spill every little secret he had just because Jensen made him feel comfortable. 

The man beside him was fucking perfect, and wih every new conversation topic and every new little touch or flirtation… he just kept getting  _ more  _ perfect. Jared was starting to feel insecure. How on earth could this guy want to be here with him of all people?

They were midway into talking about Jensen’s little sister and her best friend’s nose job when Jared felt a jolt of pain rocket through his skull. His whole body tensed and he shot up on the couch, back completely straight and teeth clenching. He took in a long, shaky breath and closed his eyes. He wanted to reassure Jensen, but he couldn’t articulate with the agony searing through his head. He just gasped and reached out, squeezing Jensen’s bicep in some lame attempt to assure him that he was okay. He felt two large hands grab his shoulders.

“Jared?!” Jensen half-yelled in concern. If Jared could open his damn eyes, he’d see the wide green ones staring back at him in worry and fear.

“M...m…m…” All he wanted to say was  _ I’m okay _ , but the only thing falling from his lips was unintelligible stutters. The pain was too much

“Fuck!” He yelled… and of course  _ that  _ came out perfectly normal. Of all things.

Jensen laughed a little, but it sounded much more nervous than humorous. He felt the grips on his shoulders tighten. 

He took a deep breath and forced himself to articulate, “I’m okay. Ittttt… It happens.” 

Jensen relaxed a little beside him. Jared was still incredibly tense and his eyes were squeezed closed. It only took a moment before he felt himself being pulled sideways. He tensed even more at the contact, but eventually relaxed when he felt warm arms wrap around his core and pull him in tight. His head landed against what felt like Jensen’s shoulder and he let out a shuddering breath. It had been a long, long,  _ long  _ time since he had been held like this. He’d  _ never  _ been comforted through his headaches, either. Sure, sometimes Chad would squeeze his knee or rub his back, but… nothing like this. 

“Just relax.” Jensen whispered as he brought a hand up and started running it through Jared’s hair, “I’ve got you.”

A second passed. And then another.

As weird and painful as this all was, the seconds kept passing. 

Time. The one thing Jared could rely on.

Eventually the pain passed and Jared patted Jensen’s forearm to let him know. He opened his eyes and peeled himself off of Jensen, sliding a little bit so there was distance between them again. He felt oddly cold.

“You okay?” Jensen asked, glaring at the space between them like it was the schoolyard bully before settling his gaze on Jared, eyes becoming much softer. 

Jared nodded and exhaled, “Yeah.”

Then he narrowed his brows as he stared at Jensen. His heart fluttered in his chest. 

“What?” Jensen asked, a nervous smile creeping up on his lips.

Jared looked down and smiled just as nervously. He swallowed and licked his lips before saying quietly, as if explaining to himself, “You just… you didn’t freak out.”

He brought his head up and looked Jensen in the eye before continuing, “You didn’t overreact, or fuss, or leave. I’m not really used to that.”

Jensen nodded and said quietly, “I’m sorry the other people in your life-”

“No.” Jared held up a hand, cutting Jensen off. He smiled softly and corrected, “I’m not turning this into some sad story or pitying thing. I just meant… thank you.”

Jensen smiled and whispered sincerely, “You’re welcome.”

They spent the rest of their hours together talking about meaningless things and meaningful things. They cuddled, they kissed, and they smiled. By the time Jensen had to leave for his conference, neither of them wanted to part ways. Jared backed him into the door and kissed all along his jawline and started down his neck and throat.

“Mmmm…” Jensen squeezed his bicep, eyelids fluttering in pleasure, “As much as I love this, I’d like to be able to feel my legs when I drive home.”

Jared laughed and moved his head up, pressing a quick kiss to Jensen’s lips before pulling away. He opened his eyes and saw Jensen staring at him with a soft smile. He tilted his head in silent question and flushed when he felt Jensen’s hand land on his cheek.

“I like you.” He whispered. It would be such an elementary thing to admit to if Jensen didn’t say it the way he did- with so much sincerity and ease. Jared let out a shaky breath, feeling his stomach twist- in a good way.

He hesitated for only a moment before returning the sentiment in a little bit more of an awkward whisper, “I like you, too.” 

Jensen’s smile widened and he leaned forward to kiss Jared’s cheek once before pulling away and opening the door. He turned his head back and said softly, “I’ll see you later, Jared.”

Jared nodded, “Bye, Jensen.”

He left and the door closed behind him. Jared closed his eyes and breathed in and out several times to calm his heart rate. This was… this was  _ big. _ He felt deep in his chest that this was a relationship that could develop into something really  _ real _ . It was both scary and exciting. Jared wasn’t good at letting people get close to him, and a huge part of him was still waiting for Jensen to find his flaws and let him go. There was just no way someone as perfect as that man was attracted to… him. But, he figured it was still very early and worth a shot. He owed it to himself and to all of the people he lost to live his life to the fullest. And that meant taking some risks. He was putting his heart on the line here, and that was fucking terrifying. He hadn’t done that in what felt like  _ forever _ . Maybe, in all honesty, he never had. Hookups happened. Short-term relationships. But he always ended up freaking out and ending it before it had the chance to go anywhere. The scars his parents and relatives left on him were deep, and they embedded deep seeded worries into him. His entire life was losing people and shutting out those who cared about him. He wasn’t good at this. At being vulnerable. Part of him thought he should save Jensen and himself the inevitable heartache and just call things off now. But then… then he pictured that goddamn smile and those goddamn green eyes and… fuck. He just couldn’t do it.

So, the next Friday, they went out for lunch and hung out at the lake for hours, just sitting on the bench and talking about Jensen’s latest teaching lesson. Something about Pavlov and Classical Conditioning. 

Then on Monday they met for an hour before Jensen went to work and basically just made out the whole time.

Wednesday came and Jared prepared a sweet picnic in the park. Cheese and strawberries and wine. He didn’t drink much because the headaches got worse with more sugar and less water, but he made an exception this once. They laid down and pointed out the shapes in the clouds.

Sometimes their conversations were light and humorous. Other times they were deep and serious. Jared was still waiting for the right time to have sex with the man he was seeing. Jared wanted him, and he wanted him bad. He could tell Jensen wanted him, too. It was in all the little touches and the way he looked into his eyes after they made out. There just… there wasn’t a good time. Not yet, anyway. 

It was a Thursday morning when Jared first realized he was slowly falling in love with Jensen. He was aware that he cared about the man and that he liked being around him, but he hadn’t put a name to the way his heart fluttered and stomach churned when he thought about him before. He realized as they sat on top of his car watching the clouds pass by and a headache came on. Jensen held him through it and kissed all the points of tension on his upper body. When he opened his eyes, it was like he was seeing for the first time. He was falling for this man. Jensen was forced to leave early that day because Jared was suddenly puking his guts out and needing rest. The anxiety was so sudden and strong. 

The next day Jensen came over and they skirted right over the incident, Jared brushing it off as food poisoning. They continued hanging out and making out, but the feelings growing in Jared’s gut were constantly in the back of his mind… along with the fear of getting hurt.

Jensen offered to do some grocery shopping for Jared when he told the older man that all the fluorescent lights screwed with his head and that his licence was revoked. Jared hesitated at first, feeling guilty, but Jensen kissed away the concerns and brought back ingredients to make dinner. He was basically living at Jared’s apartment, he was there so often.

They were hanging out on Jared’s couch, chest pressed to back and legs tangled up, when Jensen’s dad called. He took the call as Jared wrapped his arm around his waist, squeezing gently.

“Hey, dad! What’s up?” Jensen asked. Jared couldn’t hear the other end of the conversation.

“I’m just hanging out with a friend.” Jensen said next, and it was clear that his father asked what he was up to. Jared felt his heart drop to his stomach.  _ Friend? _

A semi-bland and short conversation later, Jensen was hanging up the phone and Jared was clearing his throat, nuzzling his nose into the back of Jensen’s neck.

“Friend, huh?” He asked in a teasing tone, masking his worry.

Jensen laughed a little and responded, “You’re much more than just a friend to me, babe. My dad, he’s just a little… uh…rough around the edges.”

“Does he uh…” Jared swallowed, not sure if he was overstepping or not, “Know that you’re… you know…”

“Gay?” Jensen filled in, flipping his body around so that they were face to face. Jared nodded.

“Yeah, he knows.” He sighed, “And as far as I know, he’s okay with it. I mean, he’s an old white dude, so obviously he’s not over the moon about it, but he loves me. I think he just kinda focuses on that.”

“When did you come out to him?” Jared asked, suddenly very curious. He leaned his head back and watched Jensen’s eyes and lips as he began speaking.

“I was seventeen, a junior in high school when I came out to him and my mom. It was pretty standard. I just sat them down and told them straight up. I think they had their suspicions, anyway, you know? But I just told them that I was attracted to guys the way I thought I was supposed to be attracted to girls, and that I loved them very much and hoped they could accept me. I was sweating bullets. I remember sitting there in silence that seemed to go on forever before my mom came up and hugged me tight. She told me she already knew and was so glad I was comfortable enough to tell her. She’s always been very accepting of it. My dad didn’t really say anything that night. He was really quiet, though, and that scared the shit out of me. He never addressed it, actually, now that I think about it. Things just kind of went back to normal after a little while. But, I had two boyfriends meet him, one at a high school dance and another in college. He didn’t seem put off or anything. He was polite. I think that’s enough, you know? He doesn’t have to like it as long as he respects it.”

Jared nodded, “Yeah. That support is amazing. You’re very lucky to have your parents.”

Jensen smiled softly and agreed, “Yeah, I am.” Then he looked Jared in the eye and asked, “What about you? When did you come out?”

Jared let out a long exhale and pinched his lips.

“You don’t have to answer.” Jensen assured, clearing picking up on the change in body language.

Jared shook his head, “No, I’m just thinking.”

After a moment, he furrowed his brows and looked over to Jensen, “I don’t think I ever really  _ did  _ come out. I mean, I was far too young when my parents died, so they ever knew. I never told my aunt, either, but to be completely honest with you, I think she knew. Part of me… part of me thinks that’s the reason she got rid of me. Or one of the reasons, at least.”

Jensen reached over and placed his hand over Jared’s, squeezing gently in support.

“I didn’t come out to any of my foster parents. I was hooking up a lot back then because I was so messed up, but none of the families were ever aware. I didn’t want to tell them because I was scared they would kick me out. Turns out, they found other reasons, anyway. Then it was the army. I came out to Chad, I guess, but that was more of a minor conversation than a real coming out story. He asked me to go on a double date with two of the nurses and then I told him I was into guys, not girls. He was cool with it, and that was it. Nothing major. I hooked up with a few more guys during my time in the army. I don’t honestly know if the guys in my army units knew or not. I didn’t specifically tell any of them, so…” He trailed off, cueing the end of his story.

Jensen breathed out and tilted his head. He whispered, “I love how unapologetic you are.”

Jared jutted his chin out in a gesture that asked for further explanation. 

“I just mean… I always felt this pressure to let people know. It always felt like a secret I was holding back. I felt like I had a duty to tell people I was gay, not let them assume I was straight. But you’re just so…” He stopped for a moment, picking the right words, “You just let them assume whatever the hell they want because you’re secure in who you are. I really admire that about you, Jay.”

Jared raised his brows both at the use of the nickname for the first time and at the compliment. Jensen flinched a little.

“Sorry, that just slipped out. Do you not like being called that?”

Jared shook his head and rushed to rectify, “No, no, not at all. I actually kind of like it, coming from you.”

Jensen blushed and Jared continued, “And as far as being secure in myself goes… I think that’s pretty much just my sexuality. Believe me, there is a whole bunch of insecurity climbing these walls.”

Jensen smiled a little and poked Jared’s chest, scolding lightheartedly, “Don’t do that.”

Jared lifted a brow, “Do what?”

“Not take compliments.” Jensen answered sweetly before leaning in and kissing him again.

Jared thought that might be the night they finally went to bed together, but alas, it was not meant to be. Jensen excused himself because he had papers to grade. Jared thought he hid his disappointment well.

Soon, he promised himself. Soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for following along, I really appreciate it :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: SMUT

The first time they had sex was on a Sunday night after watching old episodes of The Bachelor, of all things. They were alone at last and Jensen had the following day off because it was a holiday. They watched crappy reality television and suddenly, when the third episode ended, Jensen turned to look at Jared with an expression on his face that said it all. JAred grabbed his hand and dragged him to his bedroom, closing the door behind them. They kissed messily as Jared walked Jensen into the bed backwards until the shorter man was falling onto the mattress with a surprised laugh. 

Jensen held tightly onto Jared's collar, pulling him onto the bed with him so that their lips stayed pressed together and Jared was on top of him. Jared rested himself in between Jensen's legs, their bodies pressed together, fitting together so perfectly. They could have stayed like that forever. They ended their kiss for a moment, their eyes meeting. Jared shivered at the intensity of Jensen’s stare, the way his beautiful green eyes looked so much darker, so full of lust and love in equal measure.

For a lot of his life, time was the only thing that Jared could count on. That’s how he got through his headaches and panic attacks. Nothing was ever final, time would keep moving and things would get better. But here and now? Time just slipped away. It was just him and Jensen, nothing else. Everything outside of his bedroom was completely irrelevant. Jared wouldn’t even notice if they were floating through space right now. All he could see was Jensen, and all he could feel was the warm flesh below him. It was just the two of them, tonight. Nothing and nobody else. 

"You’re sure?" He asked Jensen in a whisper, hand running through his hair as he stared deeply into his green eyes.

Jensen smiled and reached up to lace their fingers together. Not until then did Jared realize that a simple touch of the fingertips could be sexy.

"I’ve never been more sure of anything," Jensen told him, eyes sparkling, “Or  _ anyone _ .”

Jared grinned, blushing slightly. Their noses were grazing, and as Jared looked into his boyfriend's eyes, he didn't find a single trace of uncertainty. There was no fear or nerves. No questions. He smiled and reached down to stroke Jensen's soft cheek with his thumb before they both leaned in at the same time and their lips met in a gentle kiss. Jensen licked his boyfriend's lower lip, letting out a high little whimper that made Jared's spine tingle. They shifted closer, arms around each other. Their kiss was a little more urgent, but still soft and slow and sensual. They opened their mouths, tongues slipping unhurriedly against one another. Jared was melting into Jensen, losing himself completely. The little sighs and moans falling from Jensen’s mouth made Jared's whole body tremble with desire.

"You are so beautiful," Jared whispered.

Jensen smiled, blushing slightly and looking away. Jared sat up on his elbows so he could look at all of his boyfriend's face instead of just his eyes.

"I'm serious, Jensen," he insisted. "You are the most beautiful man I have ever seen."

Jensen beamed at his boyfriend, so overcome that he couldn't think of a single thing to say. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Jared's neck and pulled him into another kiss, the both of them smiling into it. They both groaned at the same time as the bulges in their jeans rubbed together, but still they just kissed. There was no hurry. They wanted this to last as long as possible.

It could have been a few minutes, or maybe hours, days, years, when finally their lips separated and they sat up so they could undress each other. Jensen pulled Jared's shirt over his head, his fingers lightly caressing the soft, tanned skin of his boyfriend's slim waist and slightly hairy chest. Jared's body was just as gorgeous as Jensen imagined; toned and buff and perfect. Jensen wanted to commit every inch of Jared's body to memory, wanted to feel it all with his hands and his lips, wanted to feel that hot skin pressed up against his.

Jared took his time unbuttoning Jensen's shirt before slipping it off his shoulders, marvelling at just how smooth his boyfriend's skin was. He was tan, practically hairless, and so flawless it was unreal. Jared just wanted to touch every single inch of that perfect skin, kiss it and taste it and worship it. He couldn't believe how lucky he was that Jensen was actually about to let him.

As they knelt on the bed, Jared pulled Jensen even closer to him and began to slowly kiss his neck. Jensen sighed, his hands exploring Jared's toned arms and back as Jared’s own fingers travelled down his chest and towards the waistband of his jeans. Jensen's heart began to race, but it wasn't from nerves. He was excited, unbelievably so. He wanted Jared's hands to travel lower. His jeans had never felt so tight and restrictive and unnecessary before. Finally, after caressing Jensen's slender hips, Jared unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans, his hands trembling slightly with anticipation.

Jensen laid back down on the bed so Jared could pull his jeans off and throw them aside. Jared’s breath caught when he saw the erection straining in his boyfriend's briefs, a visible wet patch showing that Jensen was really enjoying this. He grinned and got to work on his own pants, but Jensen sat up and slapped his hands away, unzipping his boyfriend's pants with a smirk on his face.

"You don't expect me to let you have all the fun, do you?"

The both chuckled, kissing each other gently, before Jared laid on his back so Jensen could pull his pants off. Jensen straddled his boyfriend, smiling lovingly down at him as Jared stroked his thighs and his hips. Their lips once again met in a breathtaking kiss. They were both already glowing with sweat, but still it was steady and slow. There was no rush. They had all night to discover each other.

Jared ran his hands over Jensen's smooth back, his fingers grazing teasingly underneath the waistband of Jensen's briefs, before he rolled them over so he was on top again. He trailed kisses down Jensen's jaw and his neck, all the way down to his collarbone. He planted a kiss on his shoulder before running the tip of his tongue all the way back up and sucking on his earlobe. Jensen gasped and shivered, arching his back and holding tighter onto Jared.

He dragged his fingers through Jared's long hair, pulling at the strands and messing up his neat part completely as Jared kissed his way down to Jensen's chest. He let his lips worship that broad chest, so slender and toned and delicious. He adored the feelings of the soft skin against his lips and the fingers tangled in his hair. When he took one of those small pink nipples into his mouth, the noise Jensen made was indescribable. It was somewhere between a gasp and a moan- so sexy that Jared could hardly stand it. He sucked Jensen's erect nipple into his mouth and played with it between his teeth, growing impossibly harder in his boxers as Jensen moaned and tugged on his hair. Jared's mouth migrated to the other nipple, sucking on it until it was just as hard at the other. Jensen's head was thrown back against the pillows, his eyes closed and a blissful smile on his face as the pleasure tingled through his entire body.

Jared moved lower, kissing as much of Jensen's body as he could, until he got to the waistband of his briefs. They were both breathless from their eagerness. Jared's hands shook with nervous excitement as he slowly pulled Jensen's briefs down and threw them aside. His breath caught in his throat at the sight before him.

"Wow..."

Jensen blushed. "What?"

"No, it's just..." He eyed his boyfriend's erect cock, long and thick and leaking, and said breathlessly, "You’re stunning."

Jensen flushed, sitting up to pull Jared into a hard kiss. Jared laid him back on the bed, travelled back down Jensen's body, and kissed his hips and stomach. He ran his hands over Jensen's thighs, never wanting anything more in his life than the man lying below him now. Jensen watched every second with bated breath as Jared wrapped his hand around his erection and tentatively dragged his tongue up it, from base to tip – he tasted salty and a little bitter, but Jared knew he wanted more. Jensen let out a shuddering gasp as Jared licked him again, his breathing becoming short and quick as Jared sucked on the head of his cock, lapping up his pre-come. Finally Jared took as much of Jensen's cock as he could, trying his best not to gag. It all felt so amazing – Jensen's cock swelling and twitching in his mouth, the salty taste on his tongue, Jensen's fingers tugging on his hair, everything.

He bobbed his head up and down, swirling his tongue around Jensen's thick length, his own hard on tenting his boxers as the deep moans and high whimpers that Jensen let out seemed to course through his whole body. Just as he was really starting to get into it, Jensen suddenly spoke.

"St-stop... Jared, stop..."

Jared sat up quickly. "What is it? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, no," Jensen said, trying to catch his breath. "You didn't do anything wrong at all... it's just... I don't want this to be... over so soon."

Jared grinned and crawled on top of Jensen, catching his lips in a soft and surprisingly chaste kiss.

"I definitely don't want that," he said against Jensen's lips. "I never want this night to end."

"Me neither," Jensen whispered before pulling Jared down to lie beside him, half on top of him. 

Jared nuzzled into the crook of Jensen's neck. His own erection was leaving a hot, sticky stain on the front of his boxers, but he didn't want to rush this. Like Jensen, he didn't want this to be over too soon. Once the pressure and pleasure that had pooled in Jensen's stomach had subsided a little, he turned and caught Jared's lips in a kiss. Jared climbed back on top of Jensen, their slow, sensual kissing bringing on satisfied moans from both of them.

"Fuck me, Jared," Jensen whispered against his lips.

Jared groaned, burying his face in Jensen's neck, the very thought of it clouding his mind of any coherent thought. He gave himself a second before planting a kiss on Jensen's lips and crawling over to the far right side of the bed. He grabbed a condom and a bottle of lube from the bedside table and took off his boxers on the way back. His cock sprang to life once it was free from the restrictive material, leaking pre-come, longer than Jensen’s, but not by much. It was clear from the predatory look in his eyes that Jensen liked what he saw.

He spread his legs in expectation, watching as Jared covered his fingers in some of the cool, clear lube. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. 

“Ready?” Jared asked, nuzzling their noses.

Jensen nodded eagerly and then hissed as Jared very slowly pushed one slick finger into his opening, tensing up even though he knew it would only make it hurt more. Jared planted kisses on Jensen's lips and face and neck, stroking his thigh to relax him until it was possible to push his finger in all the way to the knuckle.

“Okay?” He asked once his finger was fully seated, losing his breath at the feel of the tight walls clenching around his digit.

Jensen hummed in approval and Jared nodded before slowly pushing his finger in and out, giving Jensen time to adjust and get used to the intrusion. Eventually, Jensen relaxed enough for Jared to add a second finger, thrusting and twisting them a little bit faster. Jensen clung onto Jared's arm and clawed at his neck, his whimpers of pain soon turning into soft moans of pleasure. Jared scissored his fingers to stretch his boyfriend out, pushing them deeper and curling them in search for that special spot until- BOOM. Jensen cried out.

"Oh my God!"

Jensen arched his back, his fingernails digging into Jared's arm. The intense pleasure was surging through his whole body like electricity.

"Found your prostate." Jared whispered.

Jensen was speechless. 

He added a third finger and slammed into that spot a few more times before Jensen was grabbing his wrist and begging, “I’m ready, baby, come on!” 

Jared licked his lips and peered down at his boyfriend, seeing the way his cheeks flushed and his eyes scrunched up. He looked so desperate and hot. Fucking beautiful. Jared nodded at him as he withdrew his fingers and slipped the condom onto his cock. He slicked himself up with some more lube before positioning himself between Jensen's legs. They both smiled at each other, excited and exhilarated. Jared caught Jensen's lips in a hard kiss as he pushed the head of his cock into his boyfriend's opening. Jensen let out a shaky gasp against Jared's lips, the stinging pain outweighing the pleasure, but he encouraged Jared not to stop until he was all the way inside. They both groaned, Jared burying his face in Jensen's neck and breathing heavily as Jensen took his time getting used to the feeling of being so full and stretched out. Jared was breathing heavily into Jensen's neck, shaking slightly as they held each other close. Jensen felt so tight around him, and he had to use every ounce of strength he had not to lose control. It had been a long time since he was last inside someone like this. The sensation threatened to overwhelm him.

"Jared?" Jensen whispered tentatively. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just..." Jared took another deep breath. "I just need a second... You feel so good..."

Jensen smiled, holding Jared tighter. "So do you, baby."

Eventually Jared started to move, slowly and cautiously at first. It hurt a little, but Jensen still loved it – still loved the feel of Jared filling him up so perfectly, his hot skin against his, warm breath tickling his neck. He ran his fingers through Jared's curls, pulling him into a passionate kiss as he wrapped his legs around his boyfriend's hips. Jared moaned deeply into Jensen's mouth, thrusting slowly so he wouldn't hurt him. Jensen ran his hands all over Jared's arms and back, moving his hips upwards to meet his boyfriend's slow thrusts. He wanted more, but he also didn't want this to end.

They whispered each other's names against their lips as they found a rhythm. Jensen cried out and threw his head back when Jared hit that sweet spot inside him again, making the sexiest noise Jared had ever heard. He angled himself to hit that spot again, kissing and nibbling at Jensen's neck as he sped up his movements. Jensen had one hand clinging desperately onto the headboard and the other clawing at Jared's back.

"Oh God... oh Jared, don't stop... don't... ahh... don't fucking stop..."

Jared growled in response – Jensen swearing in this context was so unbelievably hot. He had no intention of ever stopping. This was the only thing in the world right now, just him and Jensen and this wonderful, intense, breathtaking pleasure. Soon his movements were fast and messy and erratic, both of them edging closer and closer to their climax, clouding their minds of everything but each other. The bed was creaking under them, banging against the wall.

Jared slammed his hips forward, closing his eyes and clenching his teeth as the pressure built and built and built inside of him. Jensen’s nails were digging into his shoulder blade and the pain only spurred him on. He shoved his dick right into Jensen’s prostate and then reached down to start stroking his cock. Jensen’s back shot off the bed and he basically folded in on himself as his entire body tightened, spasmed, and shook.

“Oh, FUCK!” He screamed, wrapping his arms around Jared’s neck as his orgasm suddenly rolled through him. Jared could tell it was a good one by the way Jensen panted and moaned, eyes rolling into his head and fingers clawing at his skin. His dick spasmed and shot thick strands of cum all over their stomachs. The way he clenched around Jared was enough to throw him over his own edge. 

“Ohhh… Jensen…” His entire body tensed and he slammed his eyes closed as he emptied into the condom. His thighs burned and his chest heaved, stomach twisting in a glorious way. He kept thrusting gently, just chasing more of the feeling coursing through him. 

Eventually it subsided and Jared collapsed on top of Jensen, both of them breathless and sweaty. They just held each other as they caught their breath, neither of them ever feeling so close to each other before, as if it was more than just their bodies entwined, but their souls. Eventually, Jared rolled off of his boyfriend and they used what little energy they had left to clean themselves up before laying side by side together under the sheets. Jensen rested his hand on Jared's chest, feeling his steady heartbeat under his fingertips, and Jared stroked his arm as they looked into each other's eyes. Both of them wore drowsy smiled on their faces.

They leaned forward at the same time and kissed, softly and chastely, holding each other close. After a moment, they released and Jensen dropped his head to Jared’s pec, letting his arm fall across his abs and sighing in content. 

The seconds started passing again. 

  
  


\------------

  
  


Jared was happier than he had felt in a long, long time. Jensen made him feel safe. He wasn’t used to this warm feeling in his chest, but it was nice. He tilted his head down just enough to look at the man lying in his arms. His dirty blonde hair was messy from being tugged at, and his eyes were closed. The pressure of Jensen’s arm lying across his chest was a welcome weight, and the light tickle of his toes against the back of his ankle was grounding. He loved the feel of Jensen’s face against his shoulder, the point of his nose digging gently into his warm skin. There was a relaxed look on Jensen’s face. If it wasn’t for his uneven breathing, Jared would’ve thought he was asleep. 

Jared stared up at the ceiling and started gently caressing Jensen’s bicep with his thumb, just barely rubbing the pad of his finger back and forth in a small, comforting gesture. Jensen let out a little, content hum and shifted his head to press a soft kiss to Jared’s collarbone. Jared smiled softly and looked down again. Jensen’s eyes were closed, but his lashes were fluttering ever so slightly. He settled his head back against Jared’s shoulder and gently nestled into his chest. An overwhelming sense of love and security that Jared had never felt before in his life suddenly slammed into him. 

He felt something he never, ever thought he would. He felt the desire to tell the truth. 

His entire life he never once regretted telling the world that his father died an honorable death, that he was a soldier that sacrificed his life for their country. That his mother had a heart attack. That he followed in his dad’s footsteps when he joined the army. It was so much easier than telling the truth, and it was far less humiliating. For those few moments when people looked at him with sympathy and remorse, he could tell it was because they felt bad for him. They didn’t envy his pain. It wasn’t because they pitied him, or because they thought he was an embarrassment. For those few moments he could pretend like his dad died a hero, that his mom died of natural causes, and that he was honorable for taking on his father’s mission. People could think his family was strong and loyal. 

So why on earth did he feel such a strong urge to rip all the curtains back now? Maybe it was because Jensen had knocked all of his guards down. Maybe it was because he already felt vulnerable. Maybe… maybe because he was falling in love and didn’t want to lie to the one person who meant more to him than anyone else in the world.

Whatever the reason, he couldn’t hold back anymore. It was now or never. So, as Jensen cuddled closer to his body and sighed gently, Jared looked down and swallowed around the mammoth lump in his throat.

“Hey, Jensen?” He asked quietly, voice shaking slightly with nerves. He kept running his thumb gently over Jensen’s arm.

“Hmm?” Jensen hummed in reply, still laying across Jared’s chest, totally relaxed and weightless.

Jared bit down on his lip and gathered every ounce of courage he had in his body before saying quietly, “My dad didn’t die in Iraq.”

Immediately Jensen tensed against him. He pulled his arm away from Jared’s chest and opened his eyes, a frown forming on his face. He carefully adjusted himself until he was no longer making any bodily contact with Jared. He propped himself up on his forearm and eyed Jared with a confused and somewhat hurt look, eyebrows furrowed.

“What?” He asked, the sleep quickly shedding from his voice.

Jared looked down, not enjoying making eye contact with Jensen when his expression looked like  _ that _ . 

“He’s not dead at all, actually.” Jared sighed dejectedly, using his fingers to start picking at the edge of the blanket, “Not that I know of, anyway.” 

There were a few beats that passed and Jared looked up at Jensen to see his face. There was a look of vague betrayal on his features that made Jared’s heart sink. He reached out to grab Jensen’s hand and soothe him, but Jensen immediately pulled it away. He didn’t necessarily look mad, but confused and disappointed. Jared would argue that was a lot worse.

“You lied.” He more stated than accused, knowing it was true. He looked into Jared’s eyes, waiting for an answer.

Jared just bit down on his lip and nodded softly, the guilt clawing at his chest. Before he could make excuses, Jensen was talking again.

“Why?” He asked, and again it sounded more curious than angry. That was good. He was giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Jared leaned back into the pillow and stared up at the white ceiling. He sighed and admitted truthfully, “Because telling people he died in war is a lot easier than telling the truth.”

There was another pause and Jared could feel the weight of those words in the room. All the questions they posed were thick in the air, suffocating them both. He knew what question would be coming next, and was nowhere near surprised when Jensen asked it.

“Which is?”

Jared could feel his heart racing, the sweat starting to gather at every crevice of his body. He swallowed and tried to clear his head. This was what he wanted to tell Jensen, so why was he so fucking nervous all of a sudden? He took a few short breaths and closed his eyes, trying to calm his heart rate down so he could get the words out. He was damn well struggling. Every breath felt rushed and his hands were shaking. Maybe he spoke too soon. Maybe he couldn’t do this. Not now. Jensen wouldn’t be happy if he backed out, but he honestly felt like he might pass out. Maybe he should just wait. Or say he was confused. Come up with a white lie. Or run away. Anything.

But then he felt a warm hand reach out and wrap itself around his own, fingers intertwining and then giving a firm squeeze. His stomach twisted, this time in a good way, and he took a deep breath. In that moment, he remembered exactly why he wanted to do this. And that gave him the push to continue.

He looked over at Jensen and the look on his face was less betrayed and more encouraging now, eyes staring deeply into his own in a way that made Jared feel incredibly vulnerable. He sighed and looked slightly down, staring at Jensen’s collarbone so he could avoid that pervasive eye contact. With one more deep breath, he began.

“He walked out on us when I was twelve.” He admitted, and that was the hardest part. He let out a shaky breath and Jensen squeezed his hand tight. Once that initial sentence was out, Jared felt a little weight lift off his chest and he was able to continue with a steadier tone.

“It was messy. My mom got really depressed afterwards and I kind of had to fend for myself, but I…” He paused for a moment and flicked his eyes up to see Jensen’s eyebrows furrowed in remorse, his eyes starting to shine. Jared couldn’t take looking at that, so he looked back down and continued, “I wasn’t in a good place. It fucked me up pretty bad. The school guidance counselor called me down to her office when I acted up in class and after talking to me, she said I should go to therapy. I talked to mom about it and she said no. That I was too young for that.”

A single tear cut it’s way down his cheek as he realized what came next in the story. This was the part that  _ nobody  _ knew. Hell, he hadn’t even said it out loud to himself. And he was about to tell Jensen. The weight of it suddenly hit him and he swallowed down the fear. Half of him expected Jensen to urge him on or say something like ‘It’s okay, take your time’, but instead, he just let go of Jared’s hand and reached up to wipe the tear off of his cheek. He then reached down and grabbed his hand in his own again, intertwining their fingers before gently smoothing the pad of his thumb over Jared’s knuckles. It meant the fucking  _ world _ .

He blinked away the tears and continued.

“I agreed because I didn’t want to make her anymore upset, you know? But it escalated. I’ve never told anybody this, but I…” He paused and audibly pushed out a long, deep breath to calm himself before letting out in one long breath, “I found her on the bathroom floor with her wrists slit open after school one day.”

Jensen actually wilted upon hearing that, his shoulders sagging down and jaw dropping agape. His voice was thick with emotion when he sighed, “Oh my God.”

Another tear fell down Jared’s face and he looked up to see that Jensen had tears shining on his cheeks now, too. He could probably stop here. But something about letting the truth out made his body feel a little bit lighter. He couldn’t stop. He wanted Jensen to know everything.

“Part of this you already know, but when she died… I went off to live at my aunt’s. I stayed there through middle school and then she decided she didn’t want to look out for me anymore, so she shipped me to the system. I was fifteen at the time.” He made eye contact with Jensen, feeling strong enough to do so, now, “I bounced between five different foster families in three years and the second I turned eighteen, I was out. I didn’t exactly have the type of money required for college, so I enlisted. I was with the army for nearly a decade before the incident. Then the headaches started and it was over. I was rendered unfit to serve.”

He smiled tightly and finished in a soft whisper, “That was it.” 

Jensen squeezed his hand again and shook his head in awe, eyes shining with tears as he admitted quietly, “I don’t even know what to say.” 

Jared smiled sadly, looking down at their joint hands. 

“I know it’s a lot to take in.” He admitted, “But I want you to know that we don’t have to talk about it. I know it makes people uncomfortable. It’s a heavy topic, but now that it’s out there, we don’t have to discuss it again.” 

He looked up at Jensen and met his eyes before finishing, “I just didn’t want to lie to you, anymore. You… you mean a lot to me.”

Jensen visibly released the tension in his upper body as he smiled softly. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jared’s cheek before pulling away.

“You mean a lot to me, too.” He smiled, cupping Jared’s jaw and smoothing his thumb over his cheek, “And It’s not a heavy topic, Jared, it’s your story. I want to hear about it.”

He stared right into Jared’s eyes as he added with a genuine smile, “It’s what makes you the person you are, and I’m  _ crazy _ about that person.”

Jared’s heart seized. 

“Really?” He asked in disbelief, emotions getting the better of him, “Even after I dumped all that at your feet?” 

Jensen leaned forward and kissed him. The kind of kiss that made everything else fade away. Not because it was hard, or fierce, or messy, but because it  _ meant something _ . It was actually very light. Just a brush of the lips. But it asserted that Jensen was there to stay. And that was the only thing in the world Jared needed. 

“Especially now,” He whispered sweetly as he pulled away, maintaining eye contact, “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.” 

Jared scoffed. He couldn’t help it. Just the idea of that was so incredibly preposterous. He leaned back and joked, “You really haven’t met a lot of people.”

Jensen didn’t find it funny. He reached across and slapped Jared’s chest softly with the back of his hand.

“Stop it.” He commanded, lightly but affirmatively. 

Jared raised his brows and prompted, “What?”

Jensen sighed and told him with a somewhat frustrated voice, “Stop putting yourself down.” And then the corner of his lips flicked up in a sad smile and he added, “Why can’t you just believe that I think you’re incredible?” 

Jared’s lips twitched. He was conflicted between believing Jensen and believing the patterns of his past. 

“Like I said,” He sighed honestly, “I’m pretty fucked up, man.”

Jensen squeezed his hand and asked seriously, “Look at me.”

Jared hesitated for a moment, but eventually sighed and looked up, meeting Jensen’s eyes. They were so, so, devastatingly green.

Jensen remained serious as he assured with his whole heart and soul, “I wouldn’t still be here if you were anything short of everything I’ve ever wanted.” 

Jared let out a shaky breath, full of disbelief. He was a fucking disaster, how could he possibly be everything Jensen wanted?

“That you know of.” He mumbled, “It hasn’t been that long…”

“You’re doing it again.” Jensen interrupted him with an exasperated, slightly amused voice. He looked at Jared with a small smile and sighed, “Please stop trying to find faults and just… trust me.” 

Jared pinched his lips together and looked down. He sighed and quietly admitted, “Trust is hard for me.” 

Jensen immediately nodded in understanding, and it was so incredibly genuine that Jared felt his heart throb. He looked over at Jensen and their gazes connected. A warm feeling of safety and home filled Jared as he took in the empathetic, loving expression on the other man’s face. 

“I understand that, now.” He said softly, “I get why. We’ll work on it, okay? I promise I’m on your side. Always.” 

Jared nodded and he was the one squeezing Jensen’s hand this time, eyes still trained on his own. 

“I’m on your side too, you know.” He whispered as he tilted his head, a small smile tugging on his lips. 

Jensen smiled wider and nodded. In a soft voice, he assured sweetly, “I know.” 


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen couldn’t stop thinking about his first time with Jared. It was so sweet, and loving, yet hot, and… God, he’d never experienced sex like that before in his life. But, it was more the talk they had after that really stuck with him. 

After their conversation that night, things went pretty smoothly for a while. Jared continued working IT on his computer from home and Jensen continued teaching, meeting Jared with kisses and coffee when he got home just after 3:30 every day. They smiled, they kissed, they fucked. Jared still got headaches everyday, but Jensen was getting better at seeing the warning signs and he was amazing at helping Jared through them. He knew to just leave Jared alone for a while when it was one of the sharply painful ones that left him irritable. He knew to hug Jared tight to his chest when it was one of the really bad ones. He knew to make him a hot drink when they were over, and to massage his temples after the worst migraines. Not only all of that… but he legitimately enjoyed doing it. He loved being there for Jared - loved being useful. 

Granted, dating an ex-vet had some unique side effects that Jensen had to get used to. The PTSD, for one. The way Jared jumped at loud noises and felt anxious when his back was to people. How difficult it was for him to trust people, even Jensen. He often found himself reassuring his boyfriend that he was there for him, he did care about him, and he wanted to stay. Jared was very inclined to believe people would use him or lie about needing him. Jensen had to work hard to make sure he knew that wasn’t true. It was a daily challenge, but it was a welcome one. 

He had talked to Chris briefly about his psychiatrist, because he honestly thought that going to some therapy might be good for Jared. He even booked an appointment for his boyfriend the following week. Which he had yet to tell him… but it was for his own good. He knew Jared hated accepting help and the only way he would do it was if he  _ had  _ to. So… that’s what happened.

And truth was… Jensen was starting to fall in love.  _ Hard _ .

It was in all the little moments, like this morning. Jared dealing with the pulsing aftermath of a headache, curled up on the couch in Jensen’s arms and humming to himself. All the little lines by his eyes and forehead, his perfectly pink lips… the wave crashed over Jensen.  _ I love him _ . 

It was in the way Jared knew exactly how to make Jensen’s coffee, how to make him laugh, how to make him feel better after a bad day. It was in his positive attitude even when he was in horrific pain. His intellect, his bravery, his selflessness. God… Jensen  _ loved him _ . 

So, when he got a call the next night from his mother asking him to come home the next weekend for a visit and some great food… he knew exactly what he wanted to do. 

Right after his 8:00pm conference, he drove over to Jared’s and knocked on the door. He was greeted with that amazing, million-watt smile and immediately leaned in to kiss his boyfriend.

“Hey there.” Jared greeted when they pulled apart, yanking Jensen into his apartment and closing the door behind him.

“Hey.” Jensen smiled back, walking in and throwing his coat down on the nearest chair. 

“How was teaching the bright minds of tomorrow?” Jared asked in a tease.

Jensen laughed back and shrugged, “Same as every other day I’ve been doing it.”

Jared shoved him in the shoulder before backing off and walking into the kitchen. Jensen caught himself staring at Jared’s back (not his ass…) as he walked to the fridge, watching his movements and smiling to himself. It just kept hitting him over and over again:  _ I love him.  _

“I got you something.” Jared acknowledged, pulling Jensen out of his own head. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a beer bottle. Upon further inspection, Jensen’s  _ favorite  _ beer. 

“Oh, no way!” Jensen beamed as he took it from Jared’s outstretched hand. He knew how rarely Jared went out shopping because of his disorder and the gesture made his heart swell. He smiled up at his boyfriend, “This is awesome, thank you.” 

Jared leaned down and pecked his lips, “You’re very welcome.” 

Jensen pushed up into him, kissing him even deeper than before.  _ I love you _ . He placed the beer on the table and wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck, slipping his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth. Jared released a surprised little moan before meeting his effort, bringing in his tongue and wrapping his arms around Jensen’s back. 

“Bedroom.” Jensen growled when they paused to gain some air. Jared nodded eagerly. He put the beer back in the fridge and then they were scrambling to the opposite end of the apartment.

It was an excellent, rather quick fuck. Jared pounded into Jensen doggy style until he was screaming bloody murdering and cumming all over the sheets below. Jared finished seconds later, into the condom inside of Jensen’s ass. They panted and laughed as they cleaned up and then they collapsed onto the bed. It was cold tonight, so Jared pulled on a tee shirt and flannel pants. Jensen stole a pair of Jared’s sweatpants because he refused to put jeans back on and pulled his tee over his head. Then he drew the covers up and relaxed against Jared’s chest, suddenly remembering what the whole purpose of coming here was tonight.

He asked softly, “Hey, Jay?”

Jared hummed and stroked up and down his clothed back, “What’s up?”

Jensen sighed and got up onto his forearms so he could look at Jared’s face. His boyfriend was looking at him inquisitively. 

“So,” He started, suddenly nervous, “I am going to visit my parents next weekend.”

“Right.” Jared acknowledged, nodding a little, and Jensen had forgotten that he had already mentioned that part to him.

Jensen took a deep breath and reached out to squeeze Jared’s hand before adding with a hopeful tone, “And I would love for you to come with me.”

Jared’s eyes widened exponentially and his mouth opened and closed in shock. His body tensed and Jensen couldn’t help but feel anxious. This was  _ not  _ the response he expected.

“You…” Jared stuttered out, looking like a fish out of water, “What?”

Jensen swallowed and pushed on, hoping to quelm Jared’s nerves. He encouraged, “I want them to meet you. You mean a lot to me, and I think they’d adore you.” 

Jared knit his brows, shook his head, and looked down.

“I don’t… I don’t know if I want to do that.”

Jensen’s heart stopped. His stomach twisted and he let out a tiny, pained, “What?”

Jared worried his lip between his teeth, “Don’t get me wrong, I would love to meet them, but…”

He trailed off and Jensen pushed emphatically, “ _ But? _ ”

“But I can’t.” Jared answered immediately, all of his nervous ticks kicking in. His fingers were tapping against his hip and his eyes were cast downward. He repeated. “I… I can’t.” 

Jensen furrowed his brows and asked, “Why?”

Jared ripped the covers off of himself and stood up, starting to pace as he begged, “Please don’t ask me this. I don’t… I don’t know. I just can’t.”

Jensen reached up and grabbed Jared’s wrist, kindly asking him, “Sit down.” 

Jared turned to him with watery eyes, but nodded and took a seat on the edge of the bed. Jensen exhaled and scooted forward so he was sitting next to him. 

“Babe, I was thinking.” He swallowed, feeling anxious that he was overstepping, “Maybe you should see someone about this type of thing. You know, like a therapist.”

Jared growled, “I’m not crazy, Jensen.”

“I never said you were.” Jensen responded immediately, “You don’t have to be crazy to get help. I just think it might be nice for you to get an unbiased opinion, you know?”

Jared’s defenses were pulled up to one hundred percent. He glared at Jensen and pushed, “Why would you think I need help? I thought you said I was making progress.”

“And I believe that.” He insisted, grabbing Jared’s hand and squeezing, “But not wanting to meet my parents? It’s just that you’ve been through a lot, babe. I can feel that you're still closed off at times. It’s nothing bad, I promise. I just want you to get better.” 

“Great.” Jared smiled in self-deprecation, “My boyfriend thinks I’m nuts.” 

“Hey, I already told you that you’re not crazy.” Jensen insisted again, “A therapist might be able help you understand your emotions better. I talked to Chris, and he’s got a friend that’s a psychiatrist. I thi-”

Jared cut him off with a yell, “You told other people about this?!”

Jensen’s heart grinded to a halt when he realized he’d said that out loud. He whispered, “Just Chris.”

Jared stood up again, towering over Jensen as he yelled in utter betrayal and anger, “I told you it was between us! You and me!”

“And that was killing you!” Jensen yelled back, standing up to meet Jared’s height. 

Jared just shook his head and looked down. He scoffed under his breath, “I can’t believe you.”

Jensen grabbed his shoulders, “You need help, Jared! Now, I am sorry I broke your trust. I am. But I put your happiness and safety above that. I did this for you. For  _ us _ .”

“Without talking to me about it first!” Jared fired back, shoving Jensen’s hands off of him, “You should have told me!” 

“You never would have agreed, and you know it!” Jensen told him in a raised voice, “You never would’ve made an appointment! I made an executive decision for our relationship!”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Jared froze solid. His voice turned into liquid rage when he accused lowly, “Did you make an  _ appointment _ for me?!”

Jensen swallowed and replied in an almost scared whisper, “It’s Wednesday, it’s just an evaluation.”

Jared’s eyes bugged out of his head and he turned away from Jensen, running a hand down the length of his face

“I feel  _ sick _ .”

Jensen approached him and said honestly, “I just wanted to help.”

Jared whipped around on him and yelled, “You went behind my back!”

“To help you!”

“And why do  _ you _ get to decide what helps me?”

“Because you're my boyfriend! I care about you!”

Jared shook his head and looked down, “If you cared about me, you’d respect how I feel about this!”

“Well maybe I disagree!” Jensen yelled, his temper finally breaking, “Maybe I think you’re making the wrong decision!”

“That doesn’t give you a right to book a shrink behind my back!”

“I just want you to be  _ okay _ !”Jensen yelled, arms flailing around. 

“Why are you so convinced that I’m not okay?” Jared asked loudly, “I’m fine!”

“No, you aren’t!” Jensen’s anger was seeping through against his will, now. He was just so  _ frustrated _ . “I want to progress with you, I want you to meet my parents. And you can’t. That’s not healthy!”

Jared glared at him and told him bluntly, “Well, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want you to apologize! I want you to get help!”

“Yeah, you’ve made that abundantly clear! God, how could you want to be with someone who needs so much fucking help, Jensen? How broken I must be!” 

“I didn’t say that!”

Jared glowered at him and scoffed, “You might as well have.” 

“Jared, this is ridiculous.” Jensen took a deep breath and announced, “If you’re that upset about the appointment, I’ll just cancel it!”

“Oh yeah, that’ll solve everything.” Jared rolled his eyes before yelling again, “The problem isn’t the appointment! It’s that you went behind my back to make it! I thought we told each other everything!”

“We do!”

“Clearly not!”

“Can we stop fighting for a goddamn second!” Jensen exploded, face going red with anger and frustration. His voice was so loud and pointed that Jared couldn’t stop himself from wincing. He continued yelling, “Good lord, a normal person would be grateful their boyfriend cared about them enough to do something like this! Why do you have to make everything so fucking difficult!” 

The  _ second _ the words hit the air, a regret unlike anything Jensen has ever felt before slammed into him. All of the anger evaporated from his body as he looked at Jared, whose eyes were wide in horror. The weight of his own statement settled like a heavy brick in his stomach, pulling him down and making it hard to breathe. 

Jared took a step backwards, swallowing so hard that his Adam's apple visibly bobbed. His eyes were glassy with tears and he was opening and closing his mouth like a fish gulping at air. He looked so hurt, so small. 

Because Jensen betrayed him. Jared gave Jensen his trust and he just tore it to shreds. He let him down in ways he couldn’t even explain. Jared confided in him about how scared he was of relationships, about how hard it was for him to open up, about his trust issues. Jensen promised he’d  _ never _ judge him for that, and yet, here he was, throwing it all right back in Jared’s face. Rubbing it in and using it against him. 

“Oh God,” Jensen choked as he took a step forward, face falling, “I didn’t mean…” 

Before he could finish the thought, Jared was turning his back and running out the door. Jensen’s heart cracked in his chest when he heard the stifled sob right outside the door. He immediately took off after Jared, not willing to stop fighting for them. The younger man ran all the way out into the street before Jensen caught up, grabbing him by the forearm to stop his movement.

“Jared, stop!” He begged when Jared tried to shake out of his grasp, “Please!” 

Jared stopped fighting, but he kept his head pointed away from Jensen. 

“Jared, look at me.” Jensen pleaded, feeling the desperation increase by the second.

It took a few long moments, but eventually Jared complied. When he finally turned his head around to make eye contact with Jensen, the heartbroken look on his face made the older’s heart splinter. His eyes were shining with unshed tears, lips pulled into a thin frown and skin pale. His arms were crossed over his chest in a defensive stance that made Jensen feel incredibly guilty. He never,  _ ever _ wanted Jared to feel like he needed to protect himself from him. 

He swallowed around the giant lump in his throat and took a small step forward, dropping his eyebrows in despair when Jared immediately took a step backward to cancel out the movement. The taller man looked down at the ground, bangs falling in front of his face and tears shining on his lashes.

“Just do it.” 

If Jensen hadn’t been listening carefully, he would have missed those words falling from Jared’s mouth. They were so quiet, so hollow. So fucking broken. Jensen’s stomach twisted and he fought the urge to close the distance between them and hug Jared tight to his body. 

“Just do what?” He asked softly, curiously. 

Jared lifted his head up towards Jensen. He focused his eyes on Jensen’s own, but visibly struggled with that small task. 

Jared maintained eye contact, albeit painfully, as he let out a shaky breath and shrugged, “Leave. Break up with me.”

Jensen’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.

“Everyone else does.” He smiled tightly, “Now you, right? It was only a matter of time. Just rip the bandaid off. Leave and never look back. Forget about me.” 

He turned his head to look away from Jensen and the way the moonlight caught his eyes made his irises look like oceans. 

“Jare, no.” Jensen shook his head, reaching up to gently cup Jared’s jaw in his hand. He guided his head so Jared was looking at him again before affirming with his whole heart and soul, “I will  _ never _ leave you alone. You mean too damn much to me. Yes, this is a hurdle, but we can overcome it.”

Jared shook his head, “But you…”

“I screwed up.” Jensen admitted, feeling the weight of his mistake deep in the pit of his stomach, “I’m so sorry.”

Jared bit his lip like he was considering Jensen’s words, but after a moment he shook his head and took another step back.

“Jared, stop!” Jensen pleaded, easily following Jared that extra step.

“No.” Jared shook his head and scrunched his eyes closed. Jensen’s heart shattered when he saw the small tear fall down his pale cheek, “No… You should save yourself. Before it’s too late.”

Those words caught Jensen off guard. He furrowed his brows and breathily asked, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“Me.” Jared said loudly before continuing in a voice just under telling, “I bring everyone around me down. I push everyone away. You… You deserve better than that. I clearly can’t give you what you want. There’s no reason for you to stay and be miserable.”

Jensen rapidly shook his head and whispered back, “Jared, no.”

“You said how much you think I need help.” Jared immediately responded, eyes glued to Jensen’s and the pain clear in his tone, “You clearly want more than I can give, so you should just go.”

“Stop it!” Jensen finally broke and yelled, squeezing his eyes together, “Stop! Jay, I promise that I will never walk away from this.”

Jared took a step towards him and waved his hands in the air as he shouted, “Walk away from what? I’m  _ nothing _ .”

“Stop it!” Jensen yelled again, feeling his heart being squeezed so tight it fucking hurt, “ _ Please _ ! I can’t listen to you talk about yourself like that!”

Jared paused and swallowed, but Jensen wasn’t finished. He could not fathom Jared thinking of himself in a bad way. He needed him to see how amazing he was. 

“You’re not nothing, Jared.” He reached forward and grabbed Jared by the biceps before shouting, “You’re  _ everything _ !” 

Jared looked down and Jensen’s heart was beating so fucking fast. The adrenaline was coursing through him and Jared was still doubting himself and how much he meant to Jensen and… fuck. He knew what he had to do. To say.

“I cannot imagine my life without you in it.” His voice diminished to a whisper rather than a shout. His eyes and tone were still pleading when he confessed honestly, “Jay, I… I love you.” 

Jensen felt ten pounds fall off his shoulders.  _ Fuck _ , it felt good to finally say those words. He wanted to say them over and over again. 

But, Jared’s entire body stiffened. Jensen could feel the muscles tense under his fingers. In a mere moment, Jared’s head shot up and he looked at Jensen with glassy eyes. 

His voice was a whisper of disbelief when he asked, “What?”

Jensen smiled around the hurt and fear and repeated with so much truth it hurt, “Jared Padalecki, I love you. So much.” He looked at the shock on Jared’s face and laughed through the tears, “I am  _ in _ love with you.”

Jared’s eyes were saucers as he stuttered out, “I don’t…”

He trailed off in utter disbelief. The man was speechless.

“I shouldn’t have said what I said back there.” Jensen continued, still holding onto Jared for dear life and maintaining eye contact, “I didn’t mean it. It came out wrong. And I shouldn’t have gone behind your back. I just hate how much you doubt yourself. How much you doubt us. Because I…” He swallowed nervously, “I love you, and I love us. I don’t want you to be afraid of me leaving, or of this not working out. I want you to feel secure. I want you to be happy. Because I am so in love with you it hurts.”

Jared looked down and shook his head, “No, Jensen, you-”

“So help me God if you tell me I don’t love you, I will kick your ass.” Jensen cut him off, not having any of it, “I know you. You don’t think it’s possible that you could be loved because of your past, but Jay…” His voice was laced in pure desperation as he reached down to grab Jared’s hand. He pulled it up to his torso and placed it palm-down over his own heart, holding it there in a pledge, “I have never felt for another person in my life what I feel for you. You just have to go with me on this. I know how hard that is for you, but… I am begging you to believe me. Please.” 

Jared stood still for a moment, just staring at Jensen like he was going to explode. The wheels were visibly turning in his head, all the signs of him overthinking present on his face and in his body language. 

“You love me?” He asked in a whisper after a moment, tilting his head. 

Jensen’s heart pounded and he told him desperately, “More than anything in the world.” 

Jared nodded and looked down for a moment before asking just as quietly, “You won’t make me go to therapy?”

Jensen sighed, “I… I still think it would be good for you.” He sighed, not backing down on that. But he could see how terrible he made Jared feel and he couldn’t stomach that, “But if it’s going to risk our relationship or make you uncomfortable, then you don’t have to go.”

Jared nodded before looking up and asking quietly, “Would you go with me?”

Jensen immediately nodded, “Of course.”

Jared took a deep breath and looked down at the ground before saying so widely Jensen thought he might have imagined it, “Okay.”

Jensen was shocked. He repeated in a question, “Okay?”

Jared nodded, “I’ll go.” 

Jensen’s shoulders sank and he reached up to grab Jared and yank him into his arms. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Jared was going to go to therapy, no matter how bad it felt, because of Jensen. Fuck, this was  _ love _ . Jensen didn’t know what it felt like until right then. This was fucking  _ love _ .

“Oh, Jared, thank you so much.” He almost cried as he buried his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck.

“You’re welcome.” Jared said simply, not truly hugging Jensen back, just holding him lightly in place.

After a moment, Jensen pulled back and placed a hand on Jared’s cheek, sniffling before confessing, “God, I love you. I never want to fight with you again. It takes years off my life.” 

“I…” Jared swallowed and nodded softly, “I believe you.” 

Jensen nodded, eyebrows still pulled right together and throat clogged with emotions. He felt Jared shiver and smiled sadly.

“Let’s head back inside, alright? You’re gonna freeze out here.” 

Jared still looked like a kicked puppy, but he nodded and agreed softly, “Okay.”

Jensen couldn’t handle the look on Jared’s face or the hurt in his voice. He shook his head and reached out to pull him into his arms again, begging, “God, come here.”

This time Jared did hug him back. 

Jensen held the back of his head and spoke with a thick, tearful voice, “I’m so sorry. I never, ever want to make you feel the way I made you feel tonight.” 

“I’m sorry too.” Jared whispered and nodded slightly, but Jensen could still feel a certain level of coldness between them. 

He squeezed Jared extra tight one last time before backing away and reaching down to grasp his hand. He squeezed and gestured with his head towards the house. 

“Come on.” He smiled a little and Jared nodded before following. 

They silently walked into the house and got ready for bed.

Jared was seemingly being as quiet as he possibly could be. It was like he was scared Jensen was going to snap any second. When he went to brush his teeth, he even kept the faucet on half-way so it wouldn’t be as loud. Jensen knit his eyebrows, but decided it was best to ignore it. Maybe it was just too soon.

Jensen pulled off his hoodie and pants, preparing to sleep in just a tee shirt and boxers. He watched Jared skeptically as he changed into sweatpants and a long sleeve tee shirt - as if he was suddenly afraid to show Jensen his skin. He followed his boyfriend with his eyes when he walked back into the restroom. It was still so awfully quiet.

He couldn’t take the tension anymore. 

“Hey,” Jensen approached Jared where he stood over the sink in the bathroom, wrapping his arms around his waist and tucking his head onto his shoulder so they could make eye contact in the mirror, “You know I’m not mad at you, right?” 

Jared met his eyes and swallowed, relaxing just a tiny bit in Jensen’s arms, but the tension in his body was still visible. He nodded and told him quietly, “Yeah, I know.”

Jensen furrowed his brows, not feeling like he was being told the entire truth. He pinched his lips a little bit and asked, “So… we’re okay?” 

Jared let out a shaky breath, “Of course.”

Jensen didn’t like that answer. It felt forced. He was just about to push it when Jared tilted his head and pulled out of Jensen’s arms.

“I gotta take my medicine, okay?”

Jensen swallowed and nodded. He walked out the room feeling a little rejected. All he wanted was for the last hour to be erased. He wanted everything to go back to normal. He really,  _ really _ didn’t like being on this side of Jared’s cold shoulder. It made his whole body feel heavier. He felt like he wanted to cry from the distance his boyfriend was putting between them, but he knew he couldn’t. He had to be strong. 

He and Jared traded places after Jared took his pills. Jensen brushed his teeth and Jared got settled on the bed. 

There wasn’t a word for the heartbreak Jensen felt when he walked into the bedroom and saw that Jared was laying way over to the left side of the mattress. Normally he was dead in the middle so that he could curl right up into Jensen’s chest when he laid down. But now… he was on his side facing the wall, eyes open and lips pressed tight together. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Jensen asked as he flicked the light off and carefully walked over to the bed, sitting down on his side. 

Jared flipped onto his back and stared up at the ceiling as Jensen pulled the covers over himself and laid down. 

“I’m just tired.” Jared told him, flashing a small, not very happy looking smile. 

Jensen nodded before biting his lip and shuffling over towards Jared, deciding to take the initiative. He reached out with an arm to pull Jared closer, but felt him tense under his fingers and heard him hiss a little under his breath.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked immediately, eyes widening.

Jared immediately shook his head. 

“No.” He swallowed, “No. Just surprised me.” 

Surprised him? Cuddling up in their bed surprised him? Since when?

“Oh.” Jensen sighed, not sure what else to say. He swallowed and feigned normality, laughing lightly yet nervously and asking, “Well, come here, Jay. Let me hold you.” 

Jared looked over at him and hesitated for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and nodding. He slowly maneuvered his body until he was resting with his head on Jensen’s pec and his arm laying limply over his torso. 

Jensen felt immediately like he could breathe better. He blinked and tilted his chin down to place a kiss to the top of Jared’s head. It took several long minutes, but eventually Jared’s breathing evened out into soft snores. Only then did Jensen let himself go. He closed his eyes and stroked Jared’s hair gently until he fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn’t better in the morning. 

When Jensen woke up, he felt cold and empty. He tensed his arms and moved his hands around searching for the warm body that was supposed to be beside, or rather, half on top of him, but all his fingers met were cold sheets. Jensen opened his eyes, his heart beating a little too fast. Everything came to a halt when he saw Jared’s back turned to him, his body several feet away on the opposite side of the bed. Normally he woke up with his boyfriend wrapped around him like a freaking koala bear. He honestly wondered if he had ruined everything between them. 

He couldn’t think about that, now. All it did was make him want to cry or pull his fucking brain out. Plus, maybe Jared had just rolled over in the night and it was purely coincidence. 

Jensen sighed and turned his head to look at the alarm clock; it was 9:33 AM.

He sighed and brought a hand up to his face, wiping his palm over his eyes before sitting up and sliding out of bed. He straightened out his side and looked over to Jared’s sleeping form longinging before smiling softly. 

Breakfast. That’s what he’d do. He’d show Jared how much he cared about him by preparing a nice breakfast for the two of them. Coffee, eggs, pancakes… yeah. That was a good idea. It was a Sunday morning, they had nowhere to be. This would be nice.

Jensen smiled to himself as he pulled on a pair of jeans and left the room, running his hand through his hair to smooth it down before strolling into the kitchen. He whistled softly as he pulled out all the ingredients, trying to keep the noise to a minimum so Jared could sleep for as long as he was able. After the emotional weight of the night before, Jared could use all the sleep he could get. 

Jensen got the pancakes done first, adding blueberries to the batter and cooking them til they were perfectly gold. He put the finished cakes on a tray and left them in the oven to keep warm. The eggs took mere minutes and then he was going over to the coffee maker, grinding up the beans that Jared preferred and pouring them into the filter. He set a pot to brew and stood patiently waiting as the coffee began to fill the glass carafe. 

He was mid-yawn when he heard footsteps coming into the kitchen, and he turned around just in time to see Jared walk into the room. His hair was messy and his eyes were still a little glassy with sleep. He was gorgeous. 

“Good morning.” Jensen smiled and walked up so he could plant a kiss on Jared’s cheek before backing off a little and announcing, “I’ve got eggs and pancakes ready to go. Coffee’s just about done. Sit down.”

Jared’s eyes widened slightly as he took in the scene in front of him. His lips parted a little and he hesitantly took a seat at the kitchen island.

“What’s all this for?” He asked, following Jensen closely with his eyes as he moved around the kitchen.

“I had the time and the ingredients, and we had a bit of a rough night. I figured it couldn’t hurt to get the morning off to a good start.” Jensen told him the truth, shrugging absentmindedly. 

The coffee was finally done brewing and Jensen pulled the carafe out of the station. He walked it over to the island and set it down next to two mugs he’d already gotten out. He finally made eye contact with Jared now that he was in his space and he felt his heartbeat pick up. His boyfriend had those little wrinkles by his nose and on his forehead that only appeared when he was in pain. His eyes were slightly squinting too. 

“Do you have a headache?” He asked, concerned. 

Jared brought a hand up to his forehead and pressed his fingers against his temple, sighing, “A little one. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked, “I can keep all of this warm if you want to lie back down for a bit.” 

Jared squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. The pain was visible all over his face and in his expression. But he shuddered out a breath and denied, “No, it’s okay. It’ll pass soon, and you went to all this work. Let’s just eat, okay?” 

Jensen wanted to deny it. He wanted to tell Jared to get his ass back in bed right that second. But he’d already asked once and he knew from experience that the headaches probably would pass in just a few minutes. He also knew that Jared would just get annoyed if he kept mother-henning him. So he sighed and nodded.

“Okay. I’ll grab plates, you just sit still.” He announced as he backed away from the kitchen island and went to the cabinets. He swallowed and turned his head to look at Jared, “Let me know if it gets worse.”

Jared just hummed his acknowledgment, eyes still closed and hand now holding his entire forehead up. Jensen  _ hated  _ seeing him like this. It never got any easier. 

He just swallowed and pulled two plates out of the cabinet, then pulled the pancakes and eggs out of the oven. He slid them into the plates evenly before going to sit down across from Jared and sliding one of the plates towards his still-in-pain boyfriend.

“Can you scale it for me?” Jensen asked as he watched Jared cautiously. He poured them both cups of coffee as he clarified, “1 to 10 pain scale.” 

Jared removed his hand from his head and winced a bit as he opened his eyes. 

“Uh, I don’t know. Six?” He guessed, eyebrows still furrowed in pain even as he reached for his fork and started to cut his pancakes, “Thank you for doing all this.” 

“Of course. It was the least I could do.” Jensen nodded before looking down and feeling his stomach twist. He sighed, “I’m sorry again for last night. There’s… there’s no excuse. I hate myself for the way I made you feel. All I can say is that I’m sorry, Jay.” 

Jared just shook his head and brought the coffee mug up to his lips, taking a small sip before putting it back down.

“I was being stubborn, too.” He admitted, “We both said things we didn’t mean.” 

Jensen nodded, trying not to focus on the fact that Jared didn’t say that it was okay, or that he forgave him. They both needed time. So, he took a deep breath and sighed.

They ate silently for a moment before Jared suddenly dropped his fork and let out a shocked yelp. Jensen’s eyes shot up just in time to see his boyfriend raise a hand to bury his head in. Jared winced and hissed again, rocking a little in his seat. 

Jensen flew out of his chair. He ran to the other side of the table and grabbed Jared’s shoulders to steady him.

“Hey!” He yelled, fear and worry taking over his body, “Jay! What happened?!” 

No answer, just more shaking and hissing. Jensen’s eyes exploded and he yelled, “Jared! Can you hear me?!” 

Jared nodded after a few seconds and the hissing dialed back into soft whimpers. Tension released from his body and he sagged forward. Jensen rushed up to hug him, pulling his body tight into his chest. Jared buried his head into Jensen’s pec and sighed shakily.

“Urgh.” He groaned and let his weight fall against Jensen, just content to be breathing for the minute.

“Okay,” Jensen closed his eyes and ran his fingers through Jared’s hair, “Okay. You’re okay.”

“That wasn’t fun.” Jared mumbled and Jensen laughed out of relief much more than out of humor.

He let out a deep breath before squeezing Jared’s shoulder, “You okay, now?” 

Jared nodded and pulled away from Jensen, “It’s still a dull pain but the really awful part is done. I’m okay.”

Jensen backed off, but knit his eyebrows and asked worriedly, “It still hurts?”

Jared nodded, “Yeah, but it’s manageable. It should go away soon.” 

Normally Jared’s headaches lasted a few minutes and then faded altogether. Typically, they happened in twos or threes within a few hours and then he was good to go. This one seemed different. 

“This is a long one.” Jensen commented as he walked back over to his side of the table and sat down.

Jared just shrugged and went back to cutting his pancakes, “It happens sometimes.”

Jensen’s appetite was suddenly less but he nodded and took a bite of his eggs, watching Jared intently for signs of more pain. He had those long wrinkles across his forehead that displayed his discomfort, but other than that, he looked to be okay. Jensen just prayed it was true. 

“Thank you for making breakfast, this tastes great.” Jared told him, breaking the long silence. 

Jensen nodded until he was finished chewing and then assured, “No problem.”

After that, they sat and ate breakfast in almost perfect silence. There were semblances of small talk, but the awkwardness from last night and the residual pain Jared was feeling just made talking feel a little forced. The quiet wasn’t truly broken until Jensen got up to start doing the dishes and heard a loud  _ bang _ come from behind him. He whipped around with wide eyes and saw that Jared had dropped his head the counter with force, and that his entire body was shaking. 

“Jay?!” He yelled, running over to him and grabbing onto his shoulders. 

Jared just groaned, and if Jensen wasn’t mistaken, there was a bit of a whimper mixed in there too. Jensen panicked when Jared didn’t even remotely make an effort to tell him he was okay or lift his head. He dropped into a squat so he could see Jared’s face and felt his chest tighten when he saw his eyes were squeezed closed and his teeth were clenching, his whole face scrunched up and pale. 

“Jared?!” He yelled again, reaching forward to brush the hair away from his boyfriend’s eyes so he could see his face better. 

“Come on, talk to me!” He begged, feeling his eyes start to burn with tears of concern and fear. He could feel Jared shaking beneath his fingertips. 

His headaches were bad every time, but this was like watching a bomb waiting to blow. He held onto Jared, feeling his heart thundering in his chest. His voice cracked when he shouted again, “Jared?!”

Three minutes passed and Jensen was seriously considering calling an ambulance. But then, by some miracle, Jared was releasing tension and groaning.

“Jensen…” He muttered, sounding completely drained.

“Shit, are you okay?!” Jensen shouted, panic and fear fighting for dominance in his voice. He rubbed a hand over Jared’s forehead, brushing the hair away.

Jared didn’t sound sad or in pain, he just sounded  _ exhausted  _ when he mumbled, “I wanna lie down.” 

Jensen nodded rapidly, “Okay, come on.”

He eagerly helped Jared to their bedroom, half carrying him the whole way. It was like Jared’s body was completely drained of energy. He gently laid him down on their bed and pulled the covers up.

His boyfriend was ghostly pale.

Jensen held him by the shoulders and watched as he closed his eyes. He gently tapped his cheek to get him to open them again. This was freaking him the fuck out. He’d never seen one of Jared’s headaches be that bad before. 

“Jared, should I be calling an ambulance?” He asked breathlessly, eyes focused intently on his boyfriend, hands shaking. 

Jared scoffed a little and closed his eyes like he just couldn’t possibly keep them open anymore. He mumbled, “No. Jus’ need rest.”

“Are you sure?” Jensen asked, anxiety racing through him, “That looked really fucking bad, Jay.”

Jared just mumbled incoherently and Jensen begged, “I couldn’t understand you, what?”

But Jared was out cold, breathing evened out and chest rising and falling perfectly in time. Jensen slammed a fist down on the mattress, cursing outwardly to himself. Jared winced a little on the bed, but seemed to relax back into sleep after a moment. 

“Dammit!” Jensen shouted, bringing a hand up and rubbing it over his head, front to back. 

Jared would hate him if he called an ambulance without his permission. Jared hated hospitals, that much Jensen knew. So, he didn’t want to put him in one unless it was necessary. But still… he felt nervous and concerned as all hell. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweating.

An hour, he decided. He’d give it an hour. Wait it out for a little bit. 

He didn’t want to leave his boyfriend’s side right now. He wanted to stay with him until all the pain subsided. Until he knew for sure that he was okay. But there was also a giant mess in the kitchen and food to put away and… No. All of that could wait. He was needed here. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. 

So, he exhaled and slowly lowered himself down to the mattress beside Jared, not touching him, but just… being close. Maintaining proximity. 

He turned his head so he could see Jared and sighed. This was the hardest part of dating the man next to him: seeing him in pain. Even as he slept, there were little pained wrinkles by his eyes and on his forehead. Jensen would do anything to take away that pain. Anything in the world. This headache disorder was horrible, not because it made certain aspects of dating inconvenient, but because it was the catalyst for moments like this. Moments where Jared was in agony so bad he was left completely drained and exhausted after. 

God, he just wanted to go back to last night. Before their fight, when no hurt feelings, awkward tension, or insufferable headaches were present.

Jensen flicked his gaze between Jared’s face and the clock on the wall for about fifty minutes before anything changed. Jared’s lips parted and he started whimpering, his body going rigid. Jensen immediately shot up and leaned over him, gently patting his cheek to get him to wake up. That didn’t work and he took a more forceful approach. He shook his shoulder harshly and shouted, “Jared!”

“Argh…” Jared groaned as he awoke, eyes barely opening to reveal just small slits of blue. He brought a large hand up and pressed it to his forehead, whimpering at the contact. 

“You okay? Still hurt? Do you need more medicine?” Jensen immediately showered him in questions, the fear rolling off of him in waves. 

“Urgh… ‘m okay.” Jared grumbled, “Hurts, though.”

“This is really long.” Jensen pointed out, raising it as a warning. 

Jared just sighed and pinched the top of his nose, “Yeah. ‘Happens sometimes.” 

Jensen asked just to be completely sure, “So this is normal?”

Jared nodded softly, “Yeah. ‘M okay.”

Jensen let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and sighed in relief, “Good.”

Jared fluttered his eyes closed again and Jensen’s heart rate picked up.

“Are you still in pain?” He asked softly, reaching forward to caress Jared’s cheek. 

“Some.” Jared mumbled.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the hospital?” 

“No. They’ll just give me more meds.” 

“Are you-”

“Yes, I’m sure. You can stop worrying.” 

Jensen scoffed and leaned down to kiss Jared’s cheek. As he pulled back, he whispered earnestly, “I’ll never stop worrying about you.” 

Jared smirked just a bit.

“Well, what can I do?” Jensen asked after a moment, needing to feel useful, “Do you want water or your meds? An ice pack?”

Jared groaned, “No… no. Just uh… quiet? Please.”

Jensen flushed, feeling guilt coil in his stomach. He was about to apologize, but realized that would be the opposite of quiet. He sighed and nodded, laying back down beside Jared. He tentatively reached a hand out to grasp at Jared’s, just testing if his boyfriend wanted the contact. To his relief, Jared slid closer to him and squeezed his hand. 

After a half hour, Jared fell back asleep and Jensen got up to wash the dishes. He wasn’t useful to Jared just laying there, and he left the door open so if anything happened he’d be able to hear it. He finished wiping down the counters and loading the dishwater about forty minutes later. Jared was still asleep. 

He was starting to get really freaked out. 

Around the eighth hour, he decided he couldn’t do this anymore. Jared kept waking up in pain and then falling back asleep. This was way too long. He couldn’t watch the man he loved writhe in agony anymore. 

So, Jensen dragged his half-conscious, yet still argumentative boyfriend out to his car and buckled him in. 

“No… no, Jensen.” Jared begged, head lolling as Jensen got in the driver's seat and put the car into reverse.

“I’m sorry.” Jensen worried his lip between his teeth, “I have to make sure.” 

He couldn’t take a risk that something seriously wrong could be happening. He had to know for sure. To be  _ certain. _

He hit the gas and they arrived at the ER within twenty minutes. And then waited another fucking  _ hour _ .

Then a gray-haired doctor came in and asked a few questions before escorting Jensen out of the room to be alone with the patient. 

Jensen paced for another hour before the doctor approached him once again. 

“Doc?” He asked, stomach churching in worry.

“Mr.Ackles. Jared is asleep for now, we gave him some pain medicine to manage.”

Jensen nodded and swallowed before crossing his arms and acknowledging, “We’ve been dating for almost four months, doc. I’ve never seen him have a headache like that before. It was really bad.”

The Doctor sighed, “Well, PTHD can be unpredictable. But there are factors that can make it worse. Dehydration, exhaustion, stress.”

Jensen’s heart dropped and he asked, “Stress?”

“Yes. A lot of mental or emotional stress can certainly make the headaches more painful and/or last longer.”

Their goddamn fight was the cause of all of this- it must be. Jensen stressed him out and this was the result. Guilt rolled through him. He caught his breath and swallowed around the lump in his throat before asking, “When will he wake up?”

“A few hours.” The doctor noted, “He’s dosed up pretty high on morphine. He’ll be out of it when he wakes up, but that’s normal. It’s helping with the pain, and it was the only way we could get him to sleep.”

“That’s good, then, right?” Jensen raised a brow, trying to be hopeful, “The pain should be gone when he wakes up?” 

The doctor nodded thoughtfully, “At least for a while. Hopefully longer. We won’t be able to completely judge until the effects wear out.”

“Which will be when?” 

“The effects last between 4 and 6 hours. It exits the bloodstream in a couple days. He’ll be much more aware come tomorrow morning. We’ll do more tests, then.”

Jensen nodded and took a moment to process before breathing out and asking, “Anything else I should know?”

The doctor answered easily, “Just be careful what you say to him and how you react to things he says to you while he’s dosed up. Morphine disturbs emotional response, so don’t take anything too personally and try to avoid triggers for him. If you need anything else, the call button is always on. Other than that, have a good rest of your night, Mr.Ackles.”

Jensen shook his hand and acknowledged, “Thank you, doctor.” 

A half hour later he found himself sitting by Jared’s bedside, watching his boyfriend sleep. His stomach was  _ churning  _ with guilt. Their fight had caused this. It was his fault that Jared was in pain. A single tear cut down his cheek and he reached out to hold his boyfriend’s hand.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered, squeezing his eyes closed as the tears started. 

They went away after a few, long minutes. Jensen sat there watching his boyfriend sleep as the hours tick by. It was nearly 1:00am in the morning when something changed. Jared’s eyelids fluttered and his breathing was suddenly more erratic. Jensen slid to the edge of his chair and touch his boyfriend’s forehead, sweeping his hair away from his face. 

“Jay? You waking up?” He asked in a whisper, trying his best to sound sweet and sincere. 

Jared’s lids flickered a few more times and Jensen squeezed his hand. He encouraged gently, “Come on, open those eyes.”

Another couple seconds passed and then Jared opened them, exposing his hazel irises.

“Hey there.” Jensen found himself genuinely smiling as he caressed his cheek, soothing both of them.

A dopey smile broke out on Jared’s face and he slurred, “Babyyyy.”

_ Morphine, right. _

“Hi Jay.” Jensen laughed a little at his painkiller-high boyfriend, “Your head feeling better?”

Jared hummed before lolling his head around and admitting, “Floaty.”

Jensen shrugged, “That’s better, I guess.”

Jared whipped his head around to look at Jensen and he grabbed his sleeve, yanking him closer. 

“Come… closer.” He begged, dragging Jensen towards him. And damn, was he strong. Jensen stumbled trying to fight him.

“I think I’m as close as I can get, babe.” He admitted, still smiling. 

Jared shook his head like a toddler and slid over to the far side of the mattress. He patted the now opened space and pouted, “No…” 

Jensen tilted his head and hesitated, “Jay…”

“Please.” His boyfriend begged, eyes going glassy. 

And Good lord, how was he supposed to resist that look?

“Okay.” He sighed and climbed into the bed, “Only because I know the doc isn’t coming back.”

Jared smiled and immediately curled into Jensen’s chest. He nestled his face into his shirt and sighed, “You’re so warm. I wish I was smaller.”

Jensen furrowed his eyebrows in amusement and asked, “Why?”

Jared explained slowly, like it was a ridiculously serious matter, “So I could have you all ‘round me like a blanket. A Jensen-blanket.”

Jensen laughed and squeezed Jared tighter to him, “You really are high off your ass aren’t you?”

Jared sighed and mumbled, “I feel funny.”

“I know.” Jensen told him, leaning down to kiss the top of his head, “It’s the morphine. I know it’s weird, but it’s helping with the pain. Just a little bit longer, okay?”

Jared jerked his head up and looked at Jensen. He asked suddenly, “Kiss me?” 

Jensen laughed at the abrupt subject change and leaned forward to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead.

Jared rolled his eyes and whined like a toddler, “On the lipssss.” 

Jensen smiled and leaned forward again, pecking Jared’s lips before leaning back. The smile on Jared’s face was blinding.

“What?” He asked, smiling back. 

“I had a dream.” 

“Oh yeah? A good one?”

“It was all my friends.”

Jensen frowned. Jared didn’t have friends, not anymore. He didn’t like where this was going… 

“Cohen was singing songs, we were all listening. It was really dark… I didn’t like the dark. He liked to fill the silence when we were deep in.”

“Deep…” Jensen swallowed in fear, “deep in what, Jay?”

Jared ignored the question and continued, “At dawn, we started moving again and then…” His smile completely fell and like a switch flipped, he was suddenly crying, “It was so loud. The sky was black from the smoke. So much blood… Jensen…”

“Sh, sh. It’s okay.” Jensen soothed, rubbing up and down his back, “You’re okay. I got you.”

Jared shook his head rapidly, “It’s not okay.”

Jensen’s chest constricted and he insisted, “It will be, I promise. I’ve got you.” Then he smiled sadly and offered, “I’m your Jensen-blanket, remember?”

Jared just continued to pout and repeated, “It’s not okay.” 

“What’s not okay?” Jensen asked softly, bringing his hand down underneath Jared’s chin to keep their gazes connected, “Talk to me, honey.”

“Me?” Jared posed like a question.

“Yeah, you.” Jensen smiled a little, “What’s wrong?” 

“No!” Jared raised his voice and said with more emphasis, “ _ me _ ?!” 

“Jay, I don’t understand.” Jensen told him with furrowed brows, “What about you?”

“ _ Why me _ ?!”

“Oh, babe.” Jensen’s heart sank, “I don’t know. I wish I could take the pain away more than anything.” 

“No… no.” Jared shook his head, “Not the pain. Why  _ me _ ?!” 

“Why what?” 

Jared looked down and mumbled, “Why am I alive?” 

Jensen’s entire body tensed and his heart squeezed. His voice cracked when he asked, “What’d you say?”

“All my friends are dead.” He said as he shot his head back up to look at Jensen, “I saw their bodies. Jen… why me? Why… why didn’t I die?” 

Jensen had no fucking ckue what to say. He just stared dumbfoundedly at his boyfriend, mouth open and gaping like a freaking fish. 

“It should’ve been me.” Jared insisted, “It should’ve been me.”

“No.” Jensen pushed out, teeth grinding, “No, Jay.”

“Nobody would’ve missed me.” Jared cried.

“That’s not true.” Jensen said back immediately, anger in his voice.

“Yes… ‘s true.” He slurred, “Nobody would’ve missed me. I shoulda died. I shoulda…”

“I would’ve missed you!” Jensen yelled, cutting him off. He couldn’t listen to this anymore.

“No…” Jared denied, shaking his head, “no.”

“I may not have even met you yet, but God, Jared. I would have missed you.” He told him, looking deep into his eyes, “I believe that deep in my soul. There’s no way I wouldn’t have felt that hole.”

Jared just pouted and pushed back, “Woulda met someone better.”

“No.” Jensen shot back, then he lowered his voice and exhaled. He sighed, “You’re not thinking clearly, baby. Just try to go to sleep, okay?” 

Jared shook his head, “Don’wanna dream.”

“I’ll be right here.” Jensen comforted, “I’ll keep the bad dreams away, okay? It’ll all be better in the morning.”

“Promise?” Jared asked as he dropped his head down to Jensen’s chest. 

Jensen closed his eyes for a moment and blinked away the tears. He exhaled to gather strength before answering, “I promise. Jared, I love you so much.” 

Jared mumbled, “Love you.” 

Jensen’s stomach twisted. He’d been wanting to hear that from this man forever. 

“God, I hope you still think that when you’re lucid.” He whispered.

“Mmmmm.” Jared hummed, probably not even having heard him.

“I promise everything will be okay.” Jensen whispered as he closed his own eyes, “It won’t hurt as much in the morning. I’ll look after you.”


	9. Chapter 9

That night in the hospital was all the more reason to go to therapy. The things Jared said, he didn’t remember, but… Jensen did. Jared still wasn’t excited about seeing someone, but he didn’t complain. He was doing it all for Jensen. 

Jensen drove him to the place at the time of his appointment. He walked in with him and when the therapist came in and asked if he wanted to stay, they both agreed. 

A few awkward introductions later, they were both sitting on a couch with the shrink staring them down. She asked what the problem was and crossed her legs. 

Jared spoke up first.

“Okay, well. Jensen and I have been seeing each other for four months now, and he wants me to meet his parents. We had a fight because I said I didn’t feel comfortable going and when he suggested therapy I…” He looked over to Jensen shyly and admitted, “I didn’t respond well.”

He felt a little embarrassed and guilty feeling a therapist he didn’t feel comfortable with therapy, but… what else could he do? Lie?

“We both reacted poorly.” Jensen added, clearly trying to assuage some of Jared’s guilt.

The doctor nodded,“Okay. Jared, why were you opposed to therapy?”

Jared looked down and knit his brows, “I don’t really know. I guess I just… I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and I don’t like feeling crazy.”

“You are certainly not crazy, Jared. That I can assure you.” She smiled softly before leaning forward and asking bluntly, “Why didn’t you want to meet your partner’s parents?”

Jared’s eyes widened and he felt his chest constrict. He stuttered out, “Uhm…”

“Jared, this is a safe place.” She acknowledged, “Nothing you say can or will leave this room unless I think it will cause harm to yourself or others, okay? You can talk openly.”

There was a long, weighted pause and then the doctor was asking, “Would it help if Mr.Ackles left the room for a few minutes?”

“What?” Jensen immediately objected, defensive, “No!”

But Jared just looked down and whispered, “Yes.” 

Jensen’s eyes shot to him and he asked in surprise, “What?”

Jared bit his lip and whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize.” The therapist insisted before turning to Jensen and imploring, “Mr.Ackles, please step out. I will come and get you in a few moments. I’d like to talk to Jared privately first.” 

“I…” He seemed like he was going to object once more, but then sighed and admitted in defeat, “okay.” 

Jensen walked out of the room and then the doctor was breathing out and turning her full attention to Jared.

“Jared, I want you to tell me about  _ your _ parents.”

So he took a deep breath and told her the exact same thing he told Jensen that night in bed. She nodded along and jotted down a few notes, but mostly just listened and hummed along. When he finished speaking, she asked about his aunt and the foster homes. And then about high school and his deployment. He started very cautiously, but the more he talked, the more he revealed. He felt more comfortable because she was  _ validating _ his pain. It was refreshing. 

“Okay. I want you to tell me in a word or two what the first thing that pops into your head is when you hear the word.” 

Jared nodded and sat up straight, waiting.

“Dad.” She said first.

He sighed and responded, “Absent.”

“Mom”

His lip quivered and he said honestly, “I miss her.” 

Dr.Cooper nodded sympathetically.

“Lemon.” Was the next word, and he knit his brows in confusion.

“Uh… yellow.” He stated, confused still.

“Good.” She said before continuing, “High school.”

“Lonely.” 

She crossed her legs, “Army.”

Jared smiled sadly, “Purpose.”

Dr.Cooper nodded like she was expecting that answer.

“Table.” 

“Chair.”

Again that confused him, but he shook it off when the next word came. 

“Landmine.”

His heart came to a halt and a shuddering breath left his lips. He closed his eyes and whispered, “Loss. Pain. Grief.”

“Okay.” She sighed, “Just two more.” 

He nodded and shook his head to clear the emotions.

“Iraq.”

He almost whimpered, “Dangerous.”

She nodded.

“Last one.” She said before exhaling, “Jensen.”

Jared smiled, but his eyes were watery and his lips were tight.

“Safe.”

She didn’t nod this time. Instead, she leaned in and pressed, “What else, Jared? I can see there is something else you want to say? What else does Jensen make you feel?” 

Jared breathed out and shrugged honestly. A half-cry escaped his lips when he weakly whispered, “Guilty.”

She leaned back and sighed in understanding.

“Why do you think Jensen makes you feel guilty?” She asked. When Jared tensed, she whispered, “Remember, this is a safe space. Nothing you say will be repeated.”

Jared nodded and looked down at his hands. He breathed in deeply and shrugged, “Well, I know why he makes me feel guilty, I don’t have to guess or think about it.”

“Okay.” The doctor nodded, urging him to continue.

“He deserves better than me. I don’t understand why he wants to be with someone who is so riddled with issues.”

“What issues are you referring to?”

“My headache disorder. My PTSD. My trust issues because of the past. My… my everything. He’s so perfect and I’m a total mess. So I feel like…”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m holding him back from someone better.” 

“Is that why you don’t want to meet his parents?”

“I feel like they will disapprove of me dating their son.”

“Have you voiced any of these concerns to Jensen?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Would you like another chance to talk to him about this?”

“I don’t know.”

The doctor leaned forward in her chair and offered kindly, “He could just sit and listen while you tell him what you just told me. And then I will give him a chance to talk. Does that sound like something you’d be okay with?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. I will go get him.”

Jared waited in patience as he watched the therapist exit the room. He stared at his hands, counting the seconds until she was walking back in, his boyfriend by her side this time. She closed the door behind him before strolling in and sitting down again.

“Hey.” Jensen whispered to Jared as he sat on the couch beside him, reaching across to take his hand in his own. Jared gave him a somewhat weary smile.

“Jensen, welcome back.” Dr.Cooper said as she sat back down, crossing her legs and pulling her clipboard into her lap.

Jensen gave her a nod of acknowledgment.

“So, Jared and I were talking, and there are some things he’d like to tell you. I’ll ask you to be quiet until he is finished.”

Jensen’s eyes widened a bit. He looked between the doctor and Jared nervously, but eventually nodded and agreed, “Yeah, of course.”

She nodded before turning to look at Jared and urging, “Go ahead. Tell him how you feel.”

Jared looked down at their joined hands and took a deep breath. How much did he want to say? Did he lie?

No.

Jensen wanted him to come here because he wanted him to get better. He wanted Jared to be helped. And Jared couldn’t do any of that if he lied. He needed to be honest. So, he looked up at Jensen and decided to tell the truth.

With tears in his eyes and a bit of a choked up voice, he started, “Jensen, I’ve been feeling guilty about our relationship. That’s why I didn’t want to meet your folks. It’s just that you are so perfect-”

Jensen cut him off with a scoff, “I am not p-”

“Mr.Ackles, please.” Dr.Cooper cut him off, holding a hand up to stop him. Both men turned to look at her as she gently told Jensen, “You’ll have your chance.” 

Jensen swallowed down the words and nodded, looking down in shame and guilt. He raised his eyes back up to Jared after a moment and waited for him to continue. 

“Jared.” Dr.Cooper waved her hand in a gesture for him to continue, “You were saying…”

“Right.” Jared whispered and took a breath before turning back to make eye contact with Jensen. He squeezed his hand and started again.

“You are so perfect. You’re smart, and you’re gorgeous. You’re kind, and selfless. You have a great job and friends. Your family life is straight out of a National Lampoon’s movie. I… I am a mess. I’m a liability because of my PTHD, and I am a pain in the ass because of my trust issues. I am anxious all the time, and I ask way too much of you. I just… I feel like you deserve someone better than me. Someone you don’t have to tend to like a babysitter. Someone who can treat you right. Give to you as good as you give to me. I’m just not good enough for you. And I feel guilty because I am keeping you away from a person that deserves you.”

Jensen’s eyes were glassy and he whispered, “I had no idea you felt this way.” 

Jared looked down and admitted softly, “I didn’t want to worry you.” 

“Okay. Jared said how he felt. Jensen, I want your response.”

Jensen laughed a little, nervously, before turning to fully face Jared.

“I don’t even know where to start.” He admitted quietly before taking a deep breath and continuing, “Jay, when I told you I loved you that was true. I do love you. But it’s not because of your PTHD or your trust issues, it’s because of how you overcome them. You don’t let those things slow you down. I love you because you are sweet, and kind, and intelligent. You’re the most perseverant person I’ve ever met in my life. What you did in Iraq was incredible, but it’s what you keep doing after Iraq that made me fall in love with you. You are flawed, yeah. But we  _ all  _ are. I adore your flaws, and I… I can’t imagine a life where I’m not loving you. You say you’re keeping me from someone else, but the only person I want is  _ you _ . Jay, I want you to be it for me. The last person I date, the one I spend the rest of my life with. That’s why I want you to meet my parents.”

“Thank you, Mr.Ackles.” The Doctor nodded, hiding a smile. She turned to Jared and prompted, “Jared, how do you feel about what Jensen just said to you?”

“I don’t know.” He admitted. 

“Can you tell me whether it’s a good or bad feeling?”

“I… I think it’s good.”

“Okay, good. Anything you want to say or ask your boyfriend?”

Jared looked down and admitted, “Yeah.”

“Go ahead.” 

Jared froze and looked up to meet Jensen’s face, almost apologizing with god eyes for what was about to come out of his mouth. Jensen caught the look and encouraged gently, “It’s okay, Jared. Ask me.”

Jared stuttered a bit before getting the words out. He asked, “What would you do if my paralysis returned? Or if my headaches got significantly worse?”

“I…” Jensen tensed, stomach twisting. It was one of his worst fears. “Could that happen?”

“Yes.” Jared answered simply.

“Well, I’d be upset.” Jensen responded easily, “Really upset.”

“Would it be too much for you?” Jared asked, almost resigned.

“What do you mean?”

“Would you leave me?”

“What?!” Jensen shouted, “No!”

Jared looked at him, “You said it would upset you.”

“Yeah, but… God, Jay.” He sighed before clarifying, “No. Not in a bad way, I meant that I would be upset if I had to watch you go through that pain. I don’t want you to have to feel more pain. What you already deal with is too much. I hate seeing you hurting. But I would never, ever leave you because of it.” 

The doctor cut in then, asking, “Jared, do you believe him?”

Jared pinched his lips and whispered, “I want to.”

“But you don’t?” 

“I don’t know.” He sighed.

“Okay, let’s look at this from a different angle.” She offered, “Jared, if Mr.Ac -Jensen- was to get into an accident of some sort and become paralyzed, would you want to leave him?”

“Of course not.” He answered immediately.

“What if he had headaches constantly throughout the day. Would you want to leave him then?”

“No!”

“Okay, why not?”

“Because his body isn’t why I care about him.” 

“Go on.”

“Even if he couldn’t walk or if he had headaches he would still have the same brain and the same heart. Those are what I like about him. It’s his mind, his personality. Even if he was hurt…” He turned and suddenly felt waves of realization and awe crash over him when he saw the look on Jensen’s face. His eyes were wide and watery and there was a soft smile on his face that said  _ exactly _ .

And  _ Fuck _ . That was everything that Jensen has been trying to tell him. That was the reason. Jared didn’t understand it until he felt it himself. Until he had to look at it from the other perspective. It was like he just got glasses for the first time and the world was so much clearer. Jensen loved him for his mind and his brain. He didn’t care about his body. Jared knew that now, suddenly. He knew because he felt the same way. God… 

“You wouldn’t leave me.” He stated more than asked Jensen, keeping intense eye contact as he let the weight of those words and what they meant settle over him.

Jensen’s eyes watered and he smiled so tightly it almost looked painful. He squeezed Jared’s hand tight and boldly confirmed, “Never.”

The intense silence was broken by Dr.Cooper‘s soft voice. Jared turned to look at her as she asked cautiously, “Jared, do you believe Jensen, now?” 

Jared swallowed and shifted his gaze back to Jensen, connecting their eyes before nodding and admitting honestly, “I do.”

Jensen’s eyes lit up in surprise and his smile became less tight and more awed. He shook his head a little in disbelief before asking, “Really?”

Jared nodded, smiling softly.

“Well, I am extremely happy with the progress that was made today. Jared, our session is over, but I will leave you my card if you would like to make another appointment. I think we could really get to the root of some of your trust problems. Mr.Ackles, thank you for being cooperative and taking a step back, today. I know that isn’t easy.”

“It was wonderful to meet you.” Jared offered as they shook hands.

Jensen looked her deeply in the eyes and said sincerely, “Thank you for everything.”

She nodded, and Jared echoed the statement, “Thank you.”

“Of course.” She smiled, “You two have a good night.” 

“Uh, wait.” Jared called out when they were halfway to the exit, “Dr.Cooper?”

Both her and Jensen turned to look at him. She prompted, “Yes, Jared?”

“Should I call to make the appointment, or can I just make it now?” He asked, flushing a little at the shocked expression Jensen threw his way.

“Oh, well if you’re ready we can mark it down right now. Follow me.” She told him.

“Great, thanks.” He smiled and followed her into her office. She sat down at her computer and pulled up an appointment sheet.

“How about nine am next Tuesday?” She asked.

Jared grimaced a little and asked, “Do you have anything later in the day?” 

“Not on Tuesday. Thursday I could do noon?”

He looked down, embarrassed at having to be so particular. He felt prissy and high-maintenance, but there was nothing he could possibly do. He swallowed and told her, “I’m really sorry, do you have anything even later than that? It’s just… with the headaches, the later the better. I’m really sorry if it’s inconvenient.” 

“It’s not inconvenient, Jared, no need to apologize.” She soothed him, eyeing her computer screen for a few moments before asking, “How about 3pm on the Monday after next?” 

“That sounds great.” He smiled, relieved, “I really appreciate it, thank you.”

“Of course. I’ll mark you down.” She typed for a second before looking up and asking, “Will Jensen be accompanying you the next time as well?” 

Jared thought about it for a moment and then turned to look at his boyfriend. He asked, “Uhm, if it’s okay with you I think I’d like to try going by myself the next time? Not that I don’t want you there, I ju-”

Jensen cut him off, smiling softly, “Jay, you don’t have to justify anything to me. Of course it’s okay if you want to go alone.” 

“Great.” The doc nodded, “Have a great night, gentlemen.”

“Thanks again, doctor.” Jared said and then they were walking out the door.

The second they got into the car, Jensen grabbed Jared by the neck and yanked him forward, pressing his lips hard into his boyfriend’s. Jared melted into the contact, sighing out against those lips and fluttering his eyes closed. He reached up and squeezed Jensen’s bicep, his dick twitching in his pants in response to the abrupt, intense contact. Jensen pulled back before it could get too intense, not even getting tongues involved before dropping his forehead against Jared’s and exhaling. 

“What was that for?” Jared whispered breathlessly, cheeks flushing. 

Jensen pulled away so he could look Jared in the eye and answered with a sincere tone, “I’m just… I’m so proud of you.” 

Jared raised a brow in silent question. Before he could ask, Jensen was explaining himself. 

“You were incredible in there.” He grabbed Jared’s hand and squeezed tightly, “I’ve never been more in awe of you.” 

Jared looked down, blushing. He scoffed softly and told him in an embarrassed whisper, “Stop it.”

Jensen grabbed his chin gently and pulled his head up. They made eye contact and Jensen’s expression was so pure and intense, Jared felt his breath catch.

“I’m serious.” He told him, eyes boring into his soul, “You not only accepted that the way I feel about you is legitimate, you booked yourself another appointment. That was amazing. More than I ever could’ve expected.”

Jared smiled softly and offered back, “Yeah, well, you pushed me to do it.”

Jensen leaned his head back against his headrest and looked at Jared so softly and sweetly it hurt. He smiled and whispered earnestly and so damn  _ easily _ , like it was as natural as breathing, “I love you.”

Jared felt it too, deep down in his chest. But he couldn’t say it… not yet. It wasn’t time and he wasn’t quite ready. There were walls still up. Trust issues still in place. But… he did know that Jensen wasn’t lying to him. He believed how much he loved him. So, he smiled softly and leaned towards Jensen.

“I know.” He whispered before pulling his boyfriend towards his face and whispering, “Come here.”

Their lips met in a warm, gentle kiss that encompassed everything the last few days have brought them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check in! Hi, how are you? Thank you so much for reading. I really hope you’re enjoying so far. All the smiles and love and support to you :) 
> 
> Stay safe, ya’ll.
> 
> Xoxoxoxo


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter! Jared meets the fam :)
> 
> Warning: SMUT at the end.

The next weekend, Jensen got on a plane to see his parents. He sat next to the window because something about watching the clouds calmed his nerves. Some new Adam Sandler movie was playing on his little tv and he had one headphone hanging out of his ear, but he couldn't force himself to pay attention. 

The only thing he could concentrate on were the waves of anxiety radiating off of the man sitting next to him. The way his hand kept being squeezed and his cheek kept getting kissed. The tap-tap-tap of his foot and uneven structure of his breathing. 

“Jay, calm down.” He offered with a tentative, loving smile as he squeezed his boyfriend’s hand back, “Everything is going to be okay. They’re going to adore you.”

Jared just breathed out slowly and turned to look at him with worried eyes.

“What if they don’t?” He asked, voice shaking, “What if they hate me? Jensen, what are we going to do?”

Jensen sighed. It was hard enough to convince Jared to get on a plane, what with his headaches, but all of his anxiety was just the cherry on top. His boyfriend did not travel well. Rightfully so, of course, but it just made Jensen’s heart ache to see him so worried and uncomfortable. 

“Look at me, baby.” He whispered, leaning in towards Jared and staring deeply into his eyes, “Everything is going to be okay. My parents are going to love you.”

“How do you know that, though?” Jared asked, and there was sweat starting to drip down his neck from all the stress.

“Because  _ I  _ love you.” He smiled and caressed Jared’s cheek, “And if I do, they will too. Just trust me.”

Jared swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing, and then nodded rapidly, leaning his head back and taking deep breaths. The flight would be over in a few hours, and they just had to keep eachother calm long enough to make it to the front door. 

\---------

They arrived just after 4:00 o’clock on Friday night. Jensen was holding Jared’s hand, stroking his thumb gently to transfer love and support. When they reached the front door, Jensen grabbed Jared’s shoulder and turned him so they were facing each other. He reached up and pulled the back of Jared’s neck down until their lips were pressed together. When he pulled away, he reached up to hold Jared’s face and smiled softly.

“I’m right here, okay? You’ve got this.” He assured. 

Jared took a deep breath and nodded. Then Jensen reached out and rang the doorbell. Jared squeezed his hand harder when the sound of footsteps grew closer and louder. 

When the door swung open, they were met with one big smiling face (Donna) and another more trepid and calculating gaze (Alan). 

“Jensen!” Donna cried, immediately grabbing him by the torso and pulling him into her embrace. She squeezed him tight and announced with tears in her eyes, “Oh, my baby! It’s been too long!” 

Jared stood awkwardly watching the interaction, not sure how or if he should approach the people in front of him. He kept a tight smile on his face as Jensen hugged his mother, trying desperately to keep his nerves calm. 

“Good to see you too, momma.” Jensen told her with a smile as he pulled back. He ran a hand over her hair gently before turning to his father.

“Dad.” He greeted, reaching out to shake his hand. 

His father nodded and shook it back. A teasing smirk graced his lips when they released. He raised a brow and chastised, “Grip is lacking a bit there, son.”

“I’ll remember to work on that.” Jensen said with a teasing eye roll. Then he turned back to look at Jared and clearly noticed the worry and anxiety coursing through him. He reached over to rest his hand on the small of Jared’s back and cleared his throat, “Uh, mom and dad, this is Jared. My boyfriend.” 

Silence fell over all of them. Jared felt his heart pounding in his chest. Everything was coming to a head. Would they shun him? Did they know about his history? How much did Jens-

Donna cut off his thoughts, looking him up and down and smacking Jensen’s arm gently, “He’s even more handsome than you described!”

Jared blushed and Jensen laughed a little in relief. Donna walked forward and wrapped Jared in a gentle, yet firm hug and Jared felt some of his nerves melt away. He hugged her back and smiled when she said, It’s so nice to meet you, Jared.”

Then she pulled away and stepped inside, holding the door open, “Please, please come right in.” 

“Thank you, Mrs.Ackles.” He said politely as he walked inside, luggage rolling behind him, Jensen following behind him with his own bags. He decided a little kissing up wouldn’t be a bad thing and added, “Your house is beautiful.” 

“Oh dear, I insist you call me Donna.” She told him with a smile and then turned to look at her husband, “And this is Alan.” 

Jared made eye contact with Jensen’s father for the first time and held his breath. He outstretched his hand and calmed down when Alan met the grip and shook it. 

“Pleasure.” Jared smiled softly, still nervous. Alan wasn’t nearly as welcoming as his wife.

Alan nodded and squeezed Jared’s hand tightly. He pushed his bottom lip out, almost looking impressed, as he released the grip and turned to Jensen, telling him, “You could take a lesson from him, Jensen. That’s a soldier’s handshake, right there.” 

He turned back to Jared and asked bluntly, “How long did you serve?”

Jared was used to the question. It fell out of his mouth without him even having to think about it, “Ten years with deployment in Iraq, sir.” 

Alan raised a brow. 

“Impressive.” He acknowledged, reaching out and patting Jared’s bicep once, “We appreciate your service, Jared.” 

Jared smiled shyly and swallowed around the lump in his throat before acknowledging quietly, “Thanks.”

There was a bout of silence and the only thing keeping Jared calm was Jensen’s hand solid on his back. That small touch was keeping him grounded to reality. 

“Well, I can see you boys are exhausted.” Donna announced suddenly, “Please make yourself at home. I’m sure Jensen can show you to the guest room and you two can get settled. Then we’ll meet at 5:30 for supper. Alrighty? I want to hear everything!”

Jensen nodded and hugged his mom quickly once again, “Sounds great, mom.”

Jared smiled tightly and breathed out, “Thank you, Donna.” 

Jensen reached back and grabbed Jared’s hand, sending him a reassuring smile. He softly encouraged, “Come on.”

Jared followed his boyfriend up the stairs, letting him lead the way. They had to lift the bags, which required them letting go of each other's hands. Jared instantly felt more anxious when the contact was broken, but knew it had to be done. 

They walked into the second room on the left and Jared breathed a little easier when Jensen closed the door behind them. He rolled his luggage over to the queen sized bed and put it down on the mattress, starting to sort through his stuff. Jensen did the same across from him. After a moment, he stopped and walked over to Jared’s side, placing his hands on his hips and tucking his chin onto his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly, “I saw you seize up a little back there.”

Jared took in a deep breath and let out more sharply than he intended, “I’m great.”

Jensen sighed. “Jay…”

“Really.” Jared insisted, tilting his head so it was leaning against Jensen’s, “I just need to adjust. New place, new people and all.”

Jensen didn’t so much as nod. He just asked softly, “You sure?”

Jared stopped for a second. The recoetion downstairs was a good one. Donna hugged him tightly and made him feel welcome. Alan was more rigid, but at least he seemed open to Jared. It was better than he could’ve hoped for. He just could find a way to shut down his anxiety quite yet. It was like he was still waiting for something bad to happen. But that’s just who he was. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn’t necessarily mean this was a bad or unwelcome situation, and he certainly didn’t want Jensen to think that he felt that way. So, he turned around and pressed a kiss to Jensen’s forehead.

“I’m sure.” He whispered as he pulled away and smiled, “But thank you for looking out for me.”

Jensen smiled softly back and whispered, “Always.”

Jared kissed his cheek and then they were seperating, Jensen going back over to his side of the bed and sorting through his luggage.

A few minutes of silence passed and then Jared sighed and voiced his thoughts out loud, “You know, it’s weird to be called that, again.”

Jensen brought his head up and raised a brow. He prompted, “Called what?”

Jared stood up straight and breathed out, “A soldier. I mean, I was one. But after what happened… I haven’t been called that in a while. It’s actually kind of nice.”

Jensen nodded thoughtfully before responding, “Jared, you will always be a soldier. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are serving now. You were in the army for ten years. You saved lives, and you left a hero. You’re as honorable as it gets.”

Jared looked down, “I hope so.”

“I know so.” Jensen rebutted easily before smirking and adding a tease, “I’ll tattoo ‘Private Padalecki’ across my forehead if it’ll convince you.” 

Jared laughed, “Now that I would love to see.”

They had just finished settling down and unpacking what they needed to when there was a knock on the door. Jensen turned to face it and shouted, “Yeah?”

The door opened and Donna stepped in, just sticking her head through and smiling. She told them eagerly, “Supper’s ready!” 

They both told her how excited they were to eat and then they were following her down the stairs to the dining room. Jared asked if he could help her with anything, but she told him to just sit down and be comfortable. He relented and followed Jensen to their seats. He was seated across from Donna and diagonal from Alan. He was sort of relieved by that. Jensen’s father still scared him a bit.

The food was placed on the table and Donna led a blessing before they started to dig in. 

“This is fantastic, Donna, thank you.” Jared smiled politely between bites of lasagna. 

She blushed and waved a dismissive hand, “Oh you’re too sweet.” 

Jensen smiled next to him, clearly pleased with how quickly his mother was taking a liking to Jared. Several minutes passed and then Alan cleared his throat.

“So, Jensen, how is your grandmother doing?” He dabbed his mouth with a napkin, “I still wish she’d move down here to be with us so we could look after her.” 

Jensen stopped eating and dropped his fork to the plate before looking up slowly. Jared reached across and squeezed his thigh in comfort. During their long nights together, Jensen talked a lot about how amazing his grandmother was. How much he had learned from her, how much he loved her. He had so many stories about growing up playing board games and watching cartoons on her sofa. He also talked about how she wasn’t doing so well, lately. She had pneumonia and was on a ventilator. The odds weren’t looking to be in her favor. Both Jared and Jensen were grateful that she was in the hospital when she was because it’s what allowed them to meet, but… mostly it was just sad and demoralizing. 

Jensen cleared his throat and started answering honestly, “She’s still on the ventilator. Last time I was there…”

Jensen was still talking, but all of a sudden it was just white noise. Jared’s head  _ pulsed  _ with pain and he tried to keep quiet as well as he could to avoid interrupting the serious conversation. His scalp lit fire and he unconsciously squeezed Jensen’s hand  _ hard  _ and squeezed his eyes closed, gritting his teeth. 

“Jared?” Jensen stopped speaking and turned to him with worried eyes. 

“Jared?” His mother repeated the question when she turned and saw his face twisted up in agony, “Sweetie, are you alright?”

Jared tried to speak but all that came out was a gasp when another shot of white hot pain bolted through his head. 

“Hey, hey.” Jensen cooed softly, pulling him closer so that Jared’s head was cradled against his shoulder, “It’s okay. I got you.” 

Donna shifted her gaze and asked, “Jensen?”

“It’s okay, guys.” He announced, still looking down, “He just gets headaches sometimes. It’ll pass soon.”

He then whispered just for Jared to hear, “Breathe, Jay.” 

Jared groaned a bit as the pain peaked. Though his eyes were closed, he knew the people around him would be worried. Even as his lip quivered and his eyes watered, he assured them, “… ‘m fine.”

Seconds passed by for the Ackles, and minutes passed by for Jared. Eventually he breathed out as the sharp pain started to turn into a dull pulse. That was a pain he could deal with. 

“Okay.” He sighed and let go of the tension in his shoulders, “It’s going.” 

He heard Jensen’s sigh of relief and flicked his eyes open. He blinked a few times to get rid of the tears blurring his vision and cleared his throat. When he looked up, Jared saw both Donna and Alan staring at him with worried gazes and frowns on their lips.

“I’m so sorry.” He apologized as he straightened his back out, “I didn’t mean to interrupt or worry you. I apologize.” 

“Jay, you don’t need to apologize.” Jensen commented with a huff, reaching out under the table to grab his hand, “It’s not your fault.”

Jared pinched his lips and slid his gaze from Jensen and his’ joined hands to the worried gazes off his boyfriend’s parents. 

“Jensen’s right, it’s okay, honey.” Donna smiled, though it was tight and concerned, “I can get you some Tylenol if that’ll help?”

Jared shook his head, “That’s okay. Thank you, though.” 

“Are you sure?” She asked, leaning in towards the table, “It takes my head aches away in minutes, I’m sure it’ll help you, too.”

Jared’s lips upturned in a small, very much weighted smile. He felt Jensen squeeze his hand and he let out a sigh.

“I’m sure. It’s uh… it’s a little bit different. I kind of thought Jensen already told you guys,” He commented honestly, “But, I have something called PTHD. It’s like PTSD, but with headaches. It’s okay, I’m used to it. But pain meds don’t really work because they happen so suddenly and so spaced out. Thank you, again, though.”

Before Donna or Alan could speak, Jensen interjected, eyeing Jared somewhat wearily.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you about telling them beforehand.” He sighed, “I just didn’t think it was mine to tell.” 

Jared shook his head and furrowed his brows, dismissing the concern, “It’s okay.” 

“PTHD.” Alan suddenly repeated, and everyone’s eyes shot up to meet his somewhat skeptical gaze, “I’m correct in assuming that’s why you left the army, son?” 

Jared swallowed nervously, but nodded and confirmed, “Yes, sir.”

“Huh.” Alan simply grunted, pulling his beer up to his lips and taking a long pull. He then set it down and went about eating like he’d never asked at all.

Jared felt his stomach turn into an uneasy pit, and suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore. What the hell did ‘huh’ mean? Was that bad? Did he judge Jared for leaving the army for something like this? Did he think it wasn’t valid, or that he was weak? Was he thinking ‘how could Jared possibly be good enough for Jensen’? 

Suddenly he was pulled out of his thoughts by Jensen mumbling under his breath just loud enough for him, and only him, to hear: “Man of many words.” 

Jared smirked a little, but still the aching in his gut wouldn’t go away. He felt anxious, now. Like a deer in the headlights of a moving car. 

“That must have been awful.” Donna frowned, the maternal instinct visibly taking over, “Are you still in touch with some of your buddies from overseas? I know my friend Jan’s husband left the army thirty years ago and he still talks to his friends from the force every day. It really helped him through it, you know?”

Jared looked down and took a deep breath before letting out in one long exhale, “Not really, no. Most of my comrades weren’t as lucky as I was.” 

Jensen gently stroked across Jared’s knuckles with his thumb.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Donna gasped and placed her hand over her chest like a pledge, eyes going wide and glassy. 

“It’s okay.” Jared dismissed, smiling uncomfortably before shaking his head and putting those dark thoughts to the side. He straightened out and looked up at Donna again, “You know, enough sadness for tonight.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand, “I’d love to hear about what Jensen was like as a kid. You guys have any stories?” 

Jensen’s eyes went wide and he looked horrified between Jared and his parents, threatening, “Don’t you dare embarrass me in front of my boyfriend!”

Donna started laughing, but Alan was still watching Jared and Jensen with a critical gaze, eyes flickering over their smiles and body language and softening every once in a while when Jensen spoke. Jared couldn’t escape how anxious Alan made him feel, but he tried to be present and lively for Jensen and Donna’s sake- laughing when they laughed, smiling when they smiled. 

Two hours passed by and they were sitting in the den with the fireplace burning. They were all chatting and drinking, smiling and laughing. Jared’s anxiety was slowly slipping away, but everytime he caught Alan’s eye, he started sweating. He wanted Jared’s father to like him. To respect him. 

But everytime Jensen kissed Jared’s cheek, squeezed his hand, or complimented him, Alan would stare like a deer in the headlights. Jared figured the man would’ve looked _ away  _ from the pda, but instead he stared right at it. It rubbed Jared the wrong way, and he was super, super worried that his boyfriend’s father despised him. 

The radio was playing low, filling the room with old Beatles’ songs and keeping the atmosphere from being too quiet. 

They were discussing Jensen’s childhood obsession with transformers, Jared’s hand resting on Jensen’s thigh and side pressed up against him. Eventually, the laughing died down and there was silence. 

“Jensen, come with me to grab some more beers?” Donna asked sweetly as she picked up two empty bottles from the table, “They’re just in the cellar.” 

Jensen looked up with raised brows, but quickly nodded when he made eye contact with his mother. 

“Yeah, sure.” He agreed and grunted as he got up from the couch, going to follow his mom out of the living room.

“I can be an extra set of hands, too.” Jared offered, starting to stand. He really did not like the idea of being alone with Alan. He was scared half to death that he was going to get a lecture about not being good enough for Jensen after the ‘huh’ comment at dinner.

“Oh, no, hun.” Donna waved a dismissive hand, “You just sit and relax. We’ll be back in a jiffy.” 

Jensen offered him a sincere smile that echoed Donna’s sentiment, but there was a little edge to his expression that told Jared he knew there was something off about him. He didn’t want to worry Jensen so he let out a deep breath to calm his nerves and gave them the most genuine smile he could manage. 

“Sounds good.” He told them, and he saw Jensen’s shoulders release tension.

“We’ll be right back.” Jensen told him before leaning down and placing a small peck to his lips. Jared couldn’t concentrate because he saw Alan follow the movement pointedly from the corner of his eye. His eyes were slightly narrowed as he watched them kiss and then he continued to watch his son as he pulled away from Jared and then left the room.

Jared took another deep breath and slid his gaze over to Alan, who was still looking at the door even though Jensen and Donna had left. Jared bit his lip and looked down at his hands, waiting for the inevitable. 

After a few seconds, he heard the little clang sound of a beer bottle being set down on the table and he looked up. He swallowed anxiously when there was a set of eyes looking directly at his own. He gave a little, trepidatious smile before looking back down.

Alan spoke with an unreadable tone, “When did you leave the army, Jared?”

Jared swallowed and looked up. He answered almost instinctively, “Roughly ten months ago, now, sir.”

He saw Alan’s eyebrows raise a little and suddenly he had an overwhelming urge to justify himself. He wanted this man to like him, not see him as weak or useless. He wanted to be good enough for his son.

“And I didn’t…” He breathed out as he met Alan’s eyes and finished confidently, “I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left because I had to. I want you to know that.”

His heart was pumping so incredibly fast, now. Was he being way too ballsy? God, the last thing he wanted to do was make Alan dislike him. How would he ever explain that to Jensen?

“Concussion, right?” The deep, Texas accent pulled him out of his thoughts and into the present, “There has to be a predecessor to the headaches.”

Jared nodded.

“Yes.” He expressed honestly, knowing he could not lie to this man even if he wanted to. He seemed like the kind who valued the truth. So, he sighed and continued, “I couldn’t move my head for eight days. And I suffered extensive nerve damage in my back. It was a couple months before I could walk again.”

Alan nodded and looked down for a moment, as if processing the information. Jared sat there watching as Jensen’s father flicked his eyes around the ground. After several long moments, he looked back up and met Jared’s eyes again.

“So this headache disorder,” He leaned forward so his elbows were resting on his knees, “It prohibits you from ever going back to the army?” 

Jared’s breath caught in his throat. 

“Yeah.” He half-whispered, fighting the lump growing in his throat, “I’ll never be able to serve again.”

Alan nodded again and reached for his beer. He took a long draw to finish it off and then he stood up. He looked down at Jared and suddenly, in a deep and certain voice, said the last word Jared ever expected to hear.

“Good.”

His entire world stopped. How was it good that he could never serve again? How was it good that he was hampered by this disorder? How was it good that he was in chronic pain? 

Did Alan think so low of him that he wanted him in pain? Did he hate him so much that he took pleasure in his misery?

“What?” Jared couldn’t stop the shaky word from falling from his lips, his heart searching for some other explanation.

Alan sighed and turned his back to Jared, walking towards the room’s exit. However, right as he reached the door, he placed a hand on the doorframe and turned around halfway. His body was facing Jared but his eyes were downcast. 

“Jensen cares about you too much to lose you.” He said so quietly Jared almost didn’t hear it before leaving the room and Jared behind.

Jared was shell shocked. Holy  _ shit _ . 

It wasn’t about hate or disrespect or whatever the hell else…

It was about  _ fear. _ Alan saw them kissing and being lovey and felt  _ afraid  _ that Jared would break Jensen’s heart. Somehow, that made Jared feel a lot better. He could  _ prove _ how much he loved Jensen. He could make them believe he’d never leave. He couldn’t necessarily convince them he was a good guy deserving of respect. This was good. This was… better. 

A thousand pounds were taken off his shoulders. 

  
  


—————

  
  


Jensen followed his mom downstairs, arms crossed over his chest. There was another case of beers in the fridge upstairs. She had dragged him down here to get a moment alone, that much was obvious. He just didn’t know why. And he really didn’t like leaving Jared alone with his father. So, the second they reached the bottom of the stairs, he grabbed his mom's arm gently and forced her to turn around. 

“Mum, you and I both know that we have plenty of beer in the fridge upstairs. So what did you want to talk to me about?”

Her shoulders sank and he sighed, “Okay. You got me.”

Jensen smiled a little and leaned back against the wall, “What is it?”

She sighed and started hesitantly, “As your mother, I have a few concerns about this relationship.” 

Jensen’s defenses kicked into high gear and he immediately whisper-shouted, “You don’t like Jared?!”

“No!” She denied, “I didn’t say that. I think he’s a wonderful young man, actually.”

She smirked and teased, “Gorgeous, too. That’s a bonus.”

Jensen couldn’t even feel smug or proud about that, he was too on edge. He pushed, “So?”

“So, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with somebody who has so many issues?” Donna squinted like she knew she was close to overstepping.

“Issues?” Jensen repeated in question, locking his jaw.

“PTSD, Jensen.” She said bluntly before elaborating, “I just… there are some people you can’t fix. I don’t want you to waste so much of your life trying to put together someone else’s pieces. You deserve someone who will love you equally.”

It took everything Jensen had not to roll his eyes. He breathed out slowly and explained patiently, “He cares about me, mom. And I love him. I am not wasting any time. The only time I wasted was all the time I had before I met him. He means the world to me. Please respect that.” 

“I know how much he means to you, Jenny.” Donna said softly, reaching out to squeeze his forearm, “Anyone with eyes can see how you look at that man. That’s what worries me. I don’t want you to end up heartbroken.” 

Jensen sighed, the frustration leaving him entirely. 

“Look, ma.” He exhaled, “I appreciate you being concerned. I do. But I honest to God feel like I’ve met the man I’m gonna marry one day. I know Jay has problems with his trauma, but I want to help him through it. He’s already agreed to continue doing therapy, and he’s opened up to me so much. We’ve already made a lot of progress. And he helps me, too. So much.” 

He rubbed at his eyes quickly before finishing, slightly choked up, “I love him, mom. I love him a lot.”

“Oh, baby.” Donna exhaled and suddenly there were tears streaming down her face. She pulled Jensen into her arms and hugged him tight.

“Mom, are you crying?” He adored, laughing a little.

“It’s just…” She pulled back and held his face in her hands, “My baby’s all grown up.”

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, “I love you, mom.”

She gave him a watery smile and tossed back, “I love you too.”

He reached into the fridge and grabbed a case of beers before heading back for the stairs. He squeezed his mom’s shoulder and told her, “Let’s go.”

She followed him up the stairs and they headed back to the ones they loved. 

They spent the rest of the night watching movies and chatting about themselves, mostly trying to get to know Jared and Jared trying to get to know them. Alan seemed to be opening up, and Jared felt much more comfortable than he was walking in. Around eight o’clock, Donna interrupted Iron Man 2 by asking Jared to come help her get the pie. He nodded and followed her to the kitchen, leaving Jensen alone with his dad for a while.

“You can grab the ice cream from the freezer, dear.” She instructed and Jared did so immediately, taking the carton of Friendly’s Vanilla out of the freezer and placing it on the counter while she grabbed her oven mitts. There were still two minutes left on the timer. 

“I hope you feel comfortable here, Jared.” She whispered to him as they leaned against the counter, waiting. 

He nodded immediately, “I do. Thank you so much.” 

She smiled before looking down and sighing, “Jensen told us that your parents aren’t a part of your life. I am very sorry.”

Jared tensed a little, but eased her, “It’s okay. I have spent the majority of my life alone. I’m pretty used to it.”

She grabbed his arm and pulled her into her arms, making him stumble and laugh a little.

“Not anymore.” She told him sincerely, “Jensen loves you, and that means you must be a pretty amazing person. If he cares about you, we do too. You are a part of this family, now. And we are so lucky to have you.” 

Jared felt his throat choke up and eyes sting with tears. He had never,  _ ever  _ heard someone say they were lucky to have him. Especially not a parent. His heart was clenched tight and he stuttered out a breath, “Thank you so much.” 

She released him and reached up to wipe his tears away with her thumbs, “Oh, sweetie, you are so welcome.” 

He laughed through the tears and they both jumped when the timer beeped, causing them to laugh harder. 

Jensen gave him a confused, but hopeful look when they walked back into the den and served the pie. Jared just sat next to him and placed a kiss to his cheek. Jensen seemed to let it go and then they started the movie back up. 

It was passed ten o’clock when Jensen’s parents headed to bed, Donna giving both of them kisses on the cheek and Alan giving each a firm nod. As soon as Jensen heard their bedroom door close, he scooted closer to Jared and beamed, “I told you they’d love you.”

Jared laughed lightly, “I think love might be a strong word, but yeah, it went better than I’d hoped.” 

Jensen smiled and nuzzled his nose against Jared’s jaw. God, Jared loved him. He loved him so fucking much, it was painful. He hadn’t told him yet because he was so scared of letting him down or getting hurt. But… fuck, this was too much. This wasn’t just Jensen, anymore, this was a family. He was so grateful and awed and just, fuck… so  _ in love _ . Jensen had already said it to him, numerous times, but he hadn’t yet worked up the courage. Maybe tonight. He sighed as Jensen threw on Iron Man 3 and tucked away the thoughts for now. When they finished the movie, they went up to the guest room. They quickly brushed teeth and got into comfortable attire, which for them was flannel pants and now shirts, and got into bed, pulling the sheets over them and snuggling close. 

Jared sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Jensen’s fingers were absently tracing his abs and he could feel his warm breath against his shoulder. 

“You look happy.” Jensen commented suddenly, and Jared looked down to meet his green eyes, shining brightly and boring into his soul. 

Jared smiled softly and nodded. He exhaled as he started rubbing his hand up and down Jensen’s back, “It was a good day.”

Jensen smiled and agreed, “Yeah, it was.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to bring me here.” Jared commented, “I know it hasn’t always been easy for us, but this feels like a win. You know?”

Jensen smiled just barely and nodded, “Yeah.”

Jensen laid back against his chest and hummed gently, still caressing his stomach and breathing softly. 

Jared realized that this was it. This was the moment. 

His heart started pounding and his palms started sweating. Every instinct told him to run away, but instead, he called, “Hey, Jensen?” 

“Hmm?”

“I…” He breathed out, “I didn’t think I would ever meet somebody like you. Somebody who could see me the way I am and love me for it. I thought I was broken and unloveable, but you… you proved that I’m not.”

Jensen realized how earnest and important this was and brought himself up onto his forearms, staring at Jared with bright green eyes and a serious frown. 

“You support me through everything and you make me feel seen. More than that, I feel human when I’m around you. Like I’m more than my flaws. You’re everything to me, and I want you to know that.” He swallowed and made direct eye contact before saying with a soft, teary-eyed smile, “Jensen, I love you.”

Jensen’s shoulders sank down and his eyes welled up. He choked out, “What?”

“I love you.” Jared said, his smile growing. It felt so good to say now that it was out there. It was like he missed the flavor of those words on his tongue. Jensen stared at him like he was one of those ASPCA commercials and he repeated again, “I love you.”

And then Jensen was jumping on top of him, smashing their lips together and kissing him like he was dying and Jared was the only oxygen left on Earth. His hand grabbed at Jared’s hair, pulling him endlessly closer. Jared could taste the salt of Jensen’s tears against his lips and was completely out of breath when Jensen pulled back and panted.

“Oh fuck, I love you so much.” Jensen told him desperately, leaning down to pick his lips again before repeating, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jared laughed a little at Jensen’s urgency. Then he added in a whisper, “I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.” 

“Please don’t apologize.” Jensen begged before leaning down and kissing him again. Between missed and licks and tears, he kept mumbling, “God, I can’t… fuck… I love you.” 

Jared yanked Jensen’s head back and stared him in the eye as he announced sincerely, “I am so deeply in love with you.”

“Christ.” Jensen crumpled and leaned down to kiss him raw again, panting and falling against Jared’s mouth. He reached down and placed his hand gently over Jared’s crotch and whispered, “Jay, baby, I need to feel you right now more than I have ever needed anything in my life.”

Jared’s hips bucked slightly at the pressure, but still he told Jensen hesitantly, “We’re in your parents’ guest room.” 

“I don’t even care.” Jensen practically growled, moving the hand on Jared’s crotch up to palm his own expanding bulge. He breathed out, “I want you… no, I  _ need  _ you inside me.” 

Jared wanted it so badly, but he really didn’t want his first impression on Jensen’s parents to be the guy who slept with their son under their own roof. “I don’t know…” 

“We’ll be quiet.” Jensen promised, pressing kisses all over Jared’s face, “They’re on the opposite side of the house.”

Jared was still worried, but he gently started caressing Jensen’s bare sides.

“ _ Please _ .” Jensen begged, looking deep into Jared’s eyes, “Jared, I need you so bad.” 

Jared huffed out a breath and ignored the faint twitch of his dick that resulted from the desperation in Jensen’s voice and eyes. He swallowed and tried to hold onto his doubts, but when he looked into Jensen’s eyes and thought about how much he loved this man… he didn’t stand a chance.

“Okay.” He breathed out, sliding a hand down Jensen’s face and pressing several little kisses to his jawline. Jensen’s hips twitched and rubbed against him, and Jared grew even harder. He moaned and nodded, “Fuck, okay.” 

Jensen smiled like a damn cheshire before lowering his mouth to Jared’s throat and sucking and kissing the living hell out of the skin there.

“God.” Jared moaned, and gripped Jensen’s hair, tugging a little harder than necessary.

“Shhhh.” Jensen cooed as he pulled his head up and pressed his lips to Jared’s. He nuzzled their noses and whispered in reminder, “Parents.” 

Jared nodded and blushed. Then he licked his lips and reached up for Jensen’s shoulders, wrapping his hands around them and using his own body weight to flip his boyfriend onto the bed on his back. He immediately pressed his hips down against Jensen’s so their dicks slid against each other and they both tried their best to muffle their groans. 

They rutted against each other for minutes on end, placing hot kisses everywhere and gritting their teeth to keep themselves quiet. Eventually, Jared reached for his pants and briefs and yanked them off simultaneously, followed by Jensen’s. He licked his lips and wrapped his fist around Jensen’s dick, stroking hard and firm. Jensen’s jaw fell open and his breath hitched. His eyes fluttered and he reached for Jared’s chin, pulling him into a heated kiss and mumbling, “Love you.”

Jared smiled as he stroked and whispered right back, “Love you, too.” 

He kept stroking, more precome aiding the slide of his hand as he went. After a few moments, he moved down and gently rolled Jensen’s balls in his palm, making his boyfriend rock up. His mouth opened like it was ready to let out a scream and Jared immediately kissed him, swallowing the sound. 

“Lube?” He asked breathlessly, staring into Jensen’s severely dilated pupils. 

Jensen swallowed and croaked out, “My bag. Front pocket.”

Jared nodded and got up and off of Jensen, wandering over to the bag and making quick work of finding a condom and lube. He slid the condom on himself and bit his lip before walking back over to Jensen, flopping back down onto the bed and grabbing his boyfriend’s hips. He grabbed his thighs and spread them wide on either side, seeing Jensen’s chest rising and fall unevenly with all of the arousal and anticipation. He took the lube and generously coated two fingers. Right as he approached Jensen’s hole, he kissed the inside of his knee and whispered again, “I love you.”

Jensen smiled wide, but that quickly melted into a silent scream when Jared shoved two fingers right inside. They did this enough that two at once still burned, but wasn’t necessarily painful. Things just moved a little quicker. Jared started pumping those fingers slowly, feeling Jensen clench and unclench around him and his body adjusted. His head was tilted back and his neck was exposed in invitation. Jared leaned down and started kissing at his jaw as he finger-fucked him, pulling moans out of him that sounded like liquid sex. 

“More, baby.” Jensen panted, squeezing Jared’s bicep, “Oh God… more.”

Jared didn’t even think, he just pulled his hand out, added more lube, and then shoved three fingers back in. Jensen moaned high and long, eyebrows furrowed in pleasure and thighs tense. Jared caressed his side gently with his unoccupied hand.

“So gorgeous.” He complimented as he watched Jensen’s face twist in pleasure.

He kept pumping until the slide felt easy and comfortable. Then, he pulled the fingers out and lined himself up, straddling Jensen’s hips. He looked down at his boyfriend and smiled softly, forehead covered in sweat from the heat and arousal.

“I love you.” He whispered again, and man, he swore he had an addiction to the way those words felt coming out of his mouth.

Jensen grabbed his hips and pulled, forcing Jared to breach him. They both gasped as he slid in all the way. Jensen’s eyes fluttered closed and his hips squirmed. He brought Jared down so their foreheads were touching and he breathed out, “I love you so much.”

Or… maybe he was addicted to the way Jensen said it back. 

Didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was them- here and now. 

So Jared fucked Jensen slow, partially to stay quiet and partially to draw it out. He thrust in hard and drew back slowly, making the friction almost too much to handle. Just the right side of too much. Jensen was trembling below him, thighs quivering and stomach heaving with breath. His eyes were closed tightly and his jaw was locked. Jared gently caressed his face as he continued to pump in and out slowly.

“Relax, baby.” He whispered, nuzzling Jensen’s jaw, “Let go of the tension. Just melt into the mattress, okay? Let it wash over you.”

Jensen didn’t give him any sort of verbal response, but he did unlock his jaw and let his shoulders fall back against the bed. His eyebrows unfurrowed and he stopped squeezing his eyes shut. His thighs dropped down, still shaking but not as tense.

“Good.” Jared smiled, kissing his boyfriend’s cheek and then placing a hand on his stomach and pressing gently, “Now focus on breathing, in and out. Slow.”

Jensen opened his eyes and did as told. As his stomach started rising and falling more evenly and Jared kept thrusting, his brows furrowed and lips tensed in bliss. He breathed out, “Oh, God.”

Jared smiled softly and kept thrusting, “Stay like this, okay? Stay relaxed and keep breathing. It’ll feel so good, baby. I promise.”

Ten full minutes later Jensen was whining incoherently, “Oh… oh fuck, Jared… oh God.”

“Just let it happen, baby. I’ve got you. I love you”

And then Jensen’s whole body was arching off the mattress, hips spasming and jaw dropping open in a silent scream. It burned in his thighs and his toes curled, sending the pleasure up his legs. It coiled in his stomach and pulsed through his ass, making his stomach churn with pleasure. His lips tingled and his hands gripped the sheets so hard they were going numb. Jared kept fucking him, speeding up a little and milking his prostate. His whole body was fucking fireworks. 

Jared watched the explosion happen and held himself back as long as possible to make it good for Jensen. Once he saw his boyfriend start to calm down, he pulled out and quickly stroked himself to completion, hunching over with the intensity of his own orgasm. Watching Jensen writhe like he just had was overwhelming and it turned him on more than anything else ever had in his life.

They both collapsed against the mattress and breathed out.

“Holy  _ fuck _ .” Jensen gasped, turning to look at Jared and raving, “That was the best fucking thing I’ve ever felt in my life.”

Jared smiled, still trying to catch his breath, and replied, “I read somewhere that when you don’t clench up, the orgasm is way better. Just kind of thought of it in the moment. I’m glad it didn’t freak you out.”

“God, no! I loved it.” Jensen gawked at the idea, turning to curl up into Jared’s side. He kissed his cheek and whispered again, “I love you.”

“You may have mentioned that.” Jared teased, smirking, before tossing back, “I love you, too.”

They spent a few minutes just breathing before Jared looked down and grimaced.

“We really should clean up. Don’t want your parents walking in to…  _ this _ … in the morning.”

Jensen sighed, “Well, I lost the ability to walk, so that’s up to you, bud.”

Jared slapped him playfully on the shoulder and announced, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Take it however you want.” Jensen teased before closing his eyes and lying back. As Jared got out of bed and started to clean himself up, he told him once again, “Love you.”

Jared smiled. 

Yeah… they weren’t gonna stop saying those words anytime soon.


	11. Chapter 11

Jared and Jensen returned home after the weekend and were in a great place. They told eachother they loved them all the time, they had sex regularly, and they constantly kissed and cuddled. Jensen was still amazing at dealing with the headaches, and Jared was growing more accustomed to Jensen’s needs and desires as well. 

Which was why it was so hard when Monday came around and Jensen had to go back to work. They hadn’t spent full days apart in what felt like forever, and Jared was really starting to miss his boyfriend. Especially on the nights that Jensen had grading to finish and couldn’t stay overnight. Sometimes Jared forgot that Jensen had his own place and didn’t live with Jared in his apartment. It was always an unwelcome reminder. 

Tonight was not going to be one of those nights, however. They hadn’t seen each other at all yesterday and the kids had an assembly today, so Jensen was all caught up on schoolwork and promised to bring pizza over to Jared’s at seven. It was two o’clock now, and all Jared wanted was to curl up and watch movies with the man he loved. But… he still needed to be productive. He’d had two headaches this morning and it was already mid-afternoon so he felt safe enough to leave the house. He just wanted to get some wine for tonight. Some really good stuff to surprise Jensen with. Jared didn’t typically drink it because it could amplify his disorder, but a sip here and there was welcome and he knew Jensen loved it. So… he pulled on his chuck taylors, jeans, and an old ‘Freddie Mercury’ tee shirt and headed out. The spirits shop was only a mile from his apartment, so he decided he’d walk. It was a nice enough day for it, anyway. 

Well, it would have been.

Except, one of the worst headaches he’d ever had hit him just over halfway there. He fell to his knees on the sidewalk and screamed out. A mother with a stroller running towards him was the last thing he saw before he blacked out completely. 

\---------

_ Beep. _

_ Beep. _

_ Beep. _

Jared scrunched his eyebrows at the annoying ringing sound filing his ears and whipping through his brain. He flicked his eyes open and blinked a few times to clear the blurriness away. The whole room was white and his legs felt numb. His brain was full of cotton.

“What the…” He breathed out, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

Suddenly, footsteps were coming from beside him and a face was hanging over his head. 

“You waking up?” A man asked from above him, straight and to the point. His vision was blurry, so all he saw was blonde hair and a cut jaw.

“Jn’sn?” He mumbled.

The man flinched back and replied, “Who the hell is Jensen?”

That made Jared’s spine straighten and his senses kick in. He blinked a few more times and then focused on the face above him. He couldn’t fucking believe it… 

“Chad?”

His old buddy raised a brow and smiled softly, not very happily, “In the flesh.”

Jared shook his head in confusion and exhaled, “How…”

“Apparently,” Chad sighed, moving away from Jared and taking a seat on the windowsill, “I’m your emergency contact.”

Oh God… he was in deep shit, now.

“I can explain that.” He rushed out and Chad raised a curious brow, silently prompting him to continue. Jared swallowed and elaborated, “My doctor asked for it a couple months ago, and I didn’t have anybody. You know my parents aren’t in the picture and everyone else was either dead or… gone. You were the only one I thought might care if something happened to me and I had to put someone down. I’m sorry, I can change it.”

Chad brought a hand up to the back of his neck and rubbed, looking down like he was trying to process all of the information.

Something else hit Jared then… something that made his heart swell in hope.

“You…” He breathed out, in awe, “You came.”

“Jesus, Padalecki, I got a call that you passed out on the middle of the sidewalk and cracked your skull open, of course I came.” He scoffed in disbelief, “You really have that little faith in me?”

Jared shook his head and denied, “No, I just… I just mean that I couldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t. The last time we saw each other wasn’t exactly pretty.”

Chad looked down and sighed, “Yeah, I know.”

Then he added quietly yet sincerely, “Doesn’t mean I’d leave you scared and in the hospital alone.”

“Thank you.” Jared responded, then knot his brows and asked, “What time is it?”

Chad stood up, crossing his arms. The tension in the room was tangible. He looked down at his wrist watch and announced, “It’s eleven after five.”

He was supposed to meet Jensen at seven. Didn’t look like that would be happening. 

“What happened to me, Chad?” Jared asked after a moment, half curious and half trying to fill the awkward silence, “I got a headache and then I just blacked out. I… I don’t remember anything.”

Chad sighed and walked a little closer. His body language was incredibly tense and guarded but he explained nonetheless, “You had one of your headaches on the sidewalk. You must have passed out and hit your head on the concrete or something. The Doc had to do, like, twenty something stitches on the back of your head. No concussion though, so you dodged a bullet there. The IV is there just for precaution, I guess. ’Said you were dehydrated.” 

Jared immediately reached up to touch the back of his head and hissed and winced when his fingertips brushed the bandages covering the wound. 

“You know, typically when you're told you bashed your head open, you avoid touching that area.” Chad said sarcastically, and Jared couldn’t quite tell if he was teasing or downright being an asshole. 

“Well,” Jared cleared his throat, “I’m awake, and I’m gonna be fine. So… you are free to go.” 

Chad stepped closer and raised a brow. Instead of acknowledging the comment, he completely ignored it and started a new conversation.

“Who’s Jensen?”

Jared’s heart pounded a little harder and he tried to stop the blush threatening to fill his cheeks. He just looked down and replied softly, “He’s uh… he’s my boyfriend.”

Chad’s eyebrows shot up and he looked genuinely surprised when he said, “Oh.”

Jared took some offense to that reaction. It was like Chad was shocked to find out someone would want to be with Jared. Like he didn’t believe it.

“Problem?” Jared asked, tone on edge and sort of half-daring Chad to offend him again. 

Chad just shook his head and moved forward, taking a seat on the end of Jared's bed and looking up at him. Now that he was closer, Jared could see dark bags under his eyes and unruly stubble decorating the lower half of his face.

“No. Not at all.” He answered, “I’m just surprised. I didn’t… I didn’t think you’d be ready for that. Not that there’s anything wrong with you, I just mean… you pushed me away as far as you could get me. It didn’t seem like you’d want anyone close to you anytime soon.” 

Jared took a deep breath. That was all probably -no, scratch that-  _ very _ true. 

“I didn’t think I did, either.” He whispered, “But Jensen… he changed things.” 

He looked up to meet Chad’s eyes. He didn’t know what he was expecting to see or hear -maybe jealous or spite- but the look he had painted across his face now was certainly not it. He looked almost relieved. 

“Good, Padalecki.” He smiled a little and added, “I’m happy for you.” 

Jared furrowed his eyebrows, “You are?”

Chad shrugged, “Yeah.”

“I don’t understand. I pushed you away, yelled at you, and didn’t call for months and now you’re happy for me?”

“I didn’t call for months either. Two way street, man.” 

Jared was stunned. 

“Look Jared… I’ve been in a really dark place lately. I miss you, man. What we went through together bonded us forever and not being able to talk to you about it has really fucked me up. I… I came the second I got that call and all I could think was ‘what if he dies and we never made things right?’ I can’t live with that. I need my best friend back.”

Jared felt his eyes sting with tears and he whispered back, “I missed you, too.”

Chad smiled tightly and waved his hand in the air, “Then can we leave all that shit in the past and just move forward? We both said shit we didn’t mean and we were both in terrible mental states, so I say we just give each other a goddamn mulligan and move the hell on. Because I need my brother back in my life.”

Jared let out a choked up sigh and nodded, “Deal.”

Chad squeezed his knee and cleared his throat, “Alright, then enough with the touchy-feely crap. Who the hell is Jensen?”

Jared laughed a little and looked down, explaining, “I met him at the hospital, actually. He was visiting his grandmother. I won’t bore you with all the details, all you need to know is that I love him very much.”

Chad smiled, “You deserve it more than anybody, pal.” 

Jared suddenly realized… 

“Shit, I need to call him!” He announced, “Where’s my phone?”

Chad looked slightly jarred by the abrupt change but nonetheless answered, “I don’t know, Doctor probably put it somewhere. Just use mine.”

He handed his phone to Jared and Jared quickly shot a text to his boyfriend. 

_ Hey, it’s me. I’m in the hospital. I am absolutely fine, so don’t worry. I just needed a couple stitches. You can come after work or I’ll meet you when I’m out of here. Love you. -Jared _

He handed it back and blushed when he saw Chad’s eyes skim the message. But his friend just smirked a little before tucking it away in his pocket.

“So, you said you were in a dark place?” Jared prompted, slightly hesitantly, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Chad’s face fell and he looked down at his lap and sighed, “Not here. You should come over soon. We can talk about it then.” 

Jared nodded and replied softly, “Yeah, okay.” 

Chad looked back up at him and there was a despair in his eyes that made Jared’s heart ache. This man was his best friend and brother- he hated seeing him hurt. Even if they fought. 

But he also knew that now want the time. So, he cleared his throat and changed the subject, “So, uh, when-”

Before he could finish, there was a knock on the door and they both whipped their heads around to look.

“Sorry to interrupt.” Jared smiled when he saw it was Sam, “Hi Jared.”

“Sam, hey.” He greeted as she walked in.

She turned to look at Chad briefly and asked, “Chad, right?” 

“Yes.” He smiled and reached a hand out for her to shake, “Nice to meet you.”

“You as well.” She gave a warm smile before turning back to Jared, “Alright honey, Doctor Robinson put twenty-one stitches in the back region of your head and said there were no signs of concussion. He called me down to check on you special because he knows I am your regular physician. I just want to monitor for a little bit longer to make sure there aren’t any complications and wait for this IV to finish up and then you should be good to go, probably right around 7:00pm. I also want you to call me in two days to check in and report how you’re doing. Head injuries aren’t to be messed with, especially in your case.”

“Understood.” Jared nodded resolutely, “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” She said before turning to Chad, “Good to meet you, again. I’m glad Jared has such a reliable friend.”

Chad looked down shyly and acknowledged, “Thanks.”

Then Sam waved at Jared and said he goodbyes before slipping out of the room.

“Jared, look...” Chad sighed once she was gone, “I’m really sorry for all the things I said. You aren’t selfish, man. And I know I was being a little overbearing. But I hurt you, and I apologize for that.”

“What happened to leaving it in the past?” Jared smirked before exhaling and replying more seriously, “No, man… I’m sorry too. I hated feeling like I needed help. I wanted to feel like I was independent, you know? It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Wasn’t yours, either.” Chad tossed back with a slightly raised brow. 

Silence fell over them like a blanket. It didn’t feel awkward, however. Not like Jared was expecting it to feel. It was comfortable, homely. Like they were teenagers in boot camp again. 

Jared laughed a little to himself at those memories, and Chad turned to look at him with a curious glance. He smirked and prompted, “What?”

“I’m just thinking about boot camp. When we were what? Eighteen?”

Chad nodded and smiled at the memory, “Good times.”

“Yeah.” Jared crossed his arms as he continued smiling, “I seem to remember my boots hanging from the telephone pole ‘cause of you, asshole.” 

“Hey!” Chad raised his hands in surrender, “The shoes hanging on the telephone pole are practically the inauguration. You should be honored!”

Jared just laughed and went sincere for a moment, “I really missed you, man.” 

Chad tilted his head, “I am pretty awesome.” 

Jared sat up and hit Chad on the bicep, rolling his eyes, “You’re a moron.” 

He fell back against the hospital bed and sighed. It was nice to have his friend back. It felt good.

They spent the next hour talking about anything and everything; Jared’s headaches, Chad’s knee, the football game, the army, the latest season of Ozark. Anything and everything. It was like two siblings finally agreeing to stop giving each other the silent treatment. 

Time just sort of started to slip away until Chad’s phone was ringing. He pushed his bottom lip out in surprise and reached for it in his back pocket. It was an unknown number, so he was about to hit deny, but Jared grabbed his wrist.

“Wait, give it to me.” 

Chad furrowed his brows but gave the phone over. Jared answered immediately. 

“Jensen.” He stated simply, already knowing it would be him. 

_ “Fuck, Jay! I got your text, I’m sorry, I was in a meeting. Are you okay? What happened?” _

He sounded so scared and worried that it made Jared’s heart hurt. His stomach churned and he shook his head as if Jensen could see the gesture.

“I’m fine. I just fell and hit my head. I’ll be out of here in an hour. Don’t worry, okay?” 

_ “Don’t worry?! Are you insane?! What happened, was it a headache? Are you in pain?” _

“No, I’m not in pain. I think the Doctor gave me some meds in the IV.” He looked at Chad, who nodded in confirmation, before continuing, “Just a few stitches. I promise I’m okay.” 

_ “Jesus, Jared. I’m coming to you, now. Hang tight, okay?”  _

“Yeah. Love you.” 

_ “I love you too. I’ll see you soon.” _

“Bye.” Jared sighed before hanging up and turning back to Chad, handing him his phone back.

“Thanks.” He acknowledged.

Chad nodded, “Anytime.”

They sat there until half past six, when Jensen and Sam came in the door almost simultaneously.

“Jay!” Jensen yelled as he ran forward and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. He held him tight before pulling back and looking at his head, gently holding his chin at an angle so he could see the stitches, “Oh, babe…”

“I’m okay, Jensen.” Jared told him, stretching out to kiss his cheek.

“It’s true.” Sam said as she walked in behind him, “I was actually about to tell him he’s all set to go. There are some drugs still in your system and as you know, with your headaches you are not supposed to be driving. So, hopefully one of your friends here can give you a ride home. Now, let’s get that IV out of you.”

She walked around them and started working, but Jared was focused on Jensen’s face and the way he turned to look at Chad with a skeptical gaze.

“Jared, who is this?” He asked, his voice filled with hesitance and something almost like envy.

Jared sighed, “Jensen, relax. It’s Chad. I told you about him. He’s an old army buddy, remember?”

Chad reached a hand out and Jensen took it in his own and shook it firmly.

“Pleasure.” Chad nodded and Jensen gave him a nod back.

“Right.” He said calmly before turning to Sam, “What exactly happened to his head, doc?”

As Sam slid the IV out of Jared’s arm and continued working on cleaning him up, she answered, “Jared had a headache on the sidewalk and fell down. He hit his head on the concrete. Luckily, it was only a superficial wound, no concussion or other internal injuries. Doctor Robinson put in some stitches, which will dissolve in a few days. Your boy is all set to go home. I am going to give you some stronger pain medication for your head, alright? Just for a couple days.” 

Both Jared and Jensen nodded, and Jared smiled softly when he felt Jensen’s hand wrap around his own and squeeze. 

“I’ll leave you guys alone, for the moment.” Chad announced then, standing up from the bed. He leaned forward and squeezed Jared’s shoulder before adding, “Call me soon, okay? We’ll talk.”

Jared nodded and reached up to pat his hand once. Then Chad backed off and nodded at both Jensen and the Doctor.

“Pleasure to meet you both.” He smiled politely before ducking out of the room. 

Jensen squinted a little, looking displeased. Right when Jared thought he was going to say something, however, Sam was talking about the prescription and getting them out the door. They checked out and she gave him an ice pack to hold on his head during the drive home. They both thanked her several times, and then they were piling into Jensen’s car in silence. 

It was so incredibly awkward, and Jared cleared his throat to break the tension.

“Everything okay?” He asked quietly, leaning his head into the ice pack he was holding in his left hand.”

Jensen clenched his jaw and started the car, sliding it into gear and pulling out of the parking lot. He asked almost bitterly, “Why was Chad there, Jared? I thought you said you two weren’t talking.” 

Jared raised his brows and answered defensively, “Well, I guess he was still my emergency contact. I put him in there months ago. Before I ever knew you. The hospital called him.” 

Jensen pursed his lips, “We need to change that. I should be the contact.” 

Jared nodded and agreed, “Yeah, definitely.” 

A few long seconds passed, Jared’s heart pounding as he stared at Jensen, who’s eyes were glued to the road ahead. 

And then he both heard and saw Jensen take a long, deep breath and close his eyes for a moment before reopening them. His lips twitched and he spoke softly, almost in a whisper.

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be snappy or whatever. I was just worried, and it freaks me out that some dude you haven’t talked to in months knew you were hurt and in the hospital way before I did. Okay?”

Now  _ that _ , Jared could understand. He nodded and reached across the seat to place a hand on Jensen’s thigh, giving it a firm squeeze.

“Okay.” He whispered back, “I’m sorry, too. I should have changed the contact a while ago, I just hadn’t thought of it.”

Jensen shook his head, “Don’t apologize. You’re okay and we’re together now, that’s all that matters.”

Jared smiled softly and nodded, “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Although…” Jensen added, tilting his head, “I wouldn’t say no to picking up a pizza on the way back to your place. What do you say, babe?”

“God, I forgot about dinner! Yes, please, I’m starving.” Jared answered with a hint of a laugh. Then he realized where he was going on his little walk and cursed under his breath before sighing, “Shit, I meant to get wine for tonight. You know, for you. I was on my way there when I fell. So, I don’t have any wine back at my place. We could stop for some, my treat? Sorry, Jen.”

“Jay.” Jensen exhaled, reaching down briefly to squeeze the hand lying on top of his thigh, “We don’t need wine. It’s fine, alright? Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” Jared asked, still feeling a little like he’d let his boyfriend down.

“I’m positive.” Jensen replied easily, “All I need is some pizza in my stomach and you in my arms. Sound like a plan?”

“Sounds like heaven.” Jared immediately confirmed.

So, that’s what they did. They spread out on Jared’s couch with a large pepperoni pizza and drank Pepsi as they watched reruns of SNL. Jared kept a soft pillow under his head and Jensen kept checking on the wound like a goddamn mother hen. Jared let it slide, though. He knew it was just because he cared. About fifteen minutes into the third episode, Jensen cleared his throat. His head was resting against Jared’s shoulder and his body was half on top of him.

“So, did you and Chad make up?” He asked, “He told you to call him. You guys must be okay.”

“Yeah, I mean it’s still a little awkward, but…” Jared took a deep, audible breath, “What we went through together isn’t something either of us will ever be able to forget. We were with each other when we were tucked into trenches and all we wanted to do was go home. When I was shot, when he broke his hand. We were together when all of our friends were killed, and he helped me a lot in the aftermath of that. He means a lot to me, Jen. He’s the only real friend I have and the only connection I have to that time in my life. I guess we were always going to get over our fight and be friends again, it was just a matter of when.”

Jensen’s head lifted a little and the way his next words came out reminded Jared of a fox trying to fit through a pin-hole. Tight and uncomfortable.

“Do you love him?”

Jared answered easily, “I think I’ll always love him.”

He felt Jensen tense against him and instantly realized how his boyfriend was interpreting what he was saying. He grabbed Jensen’s shoulders with his hands and twirled him around so that Jensen was facing him. He brought a hand up and started caressing his cheek. 

“Oh, babe.” He exhaled, a subtle smile edging up onto his lips, “Don’t be jealous. Chad is a friend. I need him in my life because he understands what I went through in the army. I am going to hang out with him. But that doesn’t change a single thing between us, Jen. I don’t care about him the way I care about you, and I certainly don’t desire him the way I desire you. I love him like a brother. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

Jensen’s eyes were still downcast and Jared sighed, pulling him closer so that their lips met. He kissed him softly before pulling away again, looking into Jensen’s eyes.

“I love you.” He whispered, leaning forward so their foreheads were touching, “You mean the absolute world to me. Nobody could ever change that.”

Jensen’s lips twitched and he brought his eyes up to meet Jared’s.

“Okay.” He whispered, licking his lips. He exhaled and softly added, “I love you, too.”

“I know.” Jared smiled and then leaned forward so they were kissing again. Jensen was tense at first, but he slowly melted into the kiss. His body fell forward and his hands came up to run through Jared’s hair. 

“I’m sorry I’m getting jealous,” Jensen breathed out between kisses, “I guess I’m just used to being your number one, you know?” 

“Baby, you will always be my number one.” Jared answered easily.

Jensen smirked and raised a brow, “Prove it.”

And then Jared was laughing and kissing the living daylights out of Jensen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter was a lot of groundwork for the plot incoming, so I apologize if parts felt boring or rushed at all! 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


	12. Chapter 12

When Jared arrived home from Chad’s, he stopped at the door and rested his forehead against the wood, taking deep breaths. He was already over an hour late for dinner with Jensen and he knew his boyfriend wouldn’t be happy, but it was a hard, hard night. Chad had basically poured his soul out to him, telling him all about how badly he’d been struggling with PTSD. His friend was sobbing in his arms and Jared couldn’t, in good conscience, leave because he ‘had plans.’ He knew Jensen would understand that, but still… he felt bad for making him wait. All of the things Chad said still played on repeat in his brain. 

_ “Every time I hear a song by The Beatles, I start to cry.” He laughed wetly, tears in his eyes, “I was in the middle of a goddamn supermarket when ‘Hey Jude’ came on and I collapsed to the ground like a fucking three year old kid during it’s first thunder storm. My brain was on fire, my heart was pounding… man, I couldn’t fucking breathe. There were tears streaming down my face and all I could hear was the sound of someone screaming. My first instinct was to be relieved, you know? I thought, ‘at least someone else is scared too.’ But then I opened my eyes and everyone was staring at me. I was the one screaming, Jared. I was hearing myself.” _

_ “It was a panic attack.” Jared had whispered, barely audibly. His eyes were burning with tears at the image Chad’s words were painting in his head.  _

_ “Yeah, I know.” Chad laughed a little, sadly and with no humor. He brought his hands up and wiped them over his face as he continued, “I always thought of PTSD as this imaginary thing that couldn’t get to me, you know? I knew rationally that it was real, but I never… I never understood the intensity of it until I went through it. Not until I was lying on the floor of that grocery store did I realize how fucking real it was. I can’t… I can’t fight it, Padalecki.” _

_ “I thought that at first, too.” Jared offered gently, “But you can fight this. There are ways. I promise.” _

_ “That’s easy for you to say. You have Jensen.” _

_ Jared knit his brows and asked almost defensively, “What does he have to do with anything?”  _

_ “He’s a support system, Jared. He gives you someone else to focus on, someone to love. A rock.” He sighed and added, “Believe me, that changes a lot.” _

_ Jared looked down, “Well, you could have that, too. There are plenty of girls out there that would love to be that for you. You just gotta find one.” _

_ Chad scoffed, “You make it sound so easy.” _

_ “It’s not easy.” Jared immediately shot back, “But it’s certainly worth it in the end.” _

_ Chad looked down, tears falling from his eyes. His voice shook when he admitted desperately, “I just want to stop being so damn scared.” _

God, Jared wished he had known what to say. He mostly just listened and tried to comfort his friend. Right now, he felt so incredibly drained emotionally and just wanted to hug his boyfriend and sleep for hours upon hours. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and walked inside, tossing his jacket on the coat rack on his way in. 

His stomach sank when he strolled into the dining room and saw the table set up with a white tablecloth, a few candles, and two plates of spaghetti and meatballs. There were flowers in the center. Jared didn’t realize dinner tonight was supposed to be such an ordeal. He suddenly felt more guilty. And that feeling only grew when he saw Jensen sitting there, staring at him with furious eyes and a clenched jaw. His arms were crossed over his chest. 

“Hey.” Jared said hesitantly, palms starting to sweat. He reached up and ran his hand over the back of his neck, “I’m sorry I’m late. Chad was talking about some pretty personal stuff and I didn’t want to cut him off.” 

His boyfriend continued staring at him with red-rimmed, angry eyes and Jared swallowed nervously. He didn’t seem to be interested in responding, so Jared pushed gently, “Jensen?”

His boyfriend straightened his back and asked stoically, “Do you remember when you said you’d be home?”

Jared sighed and looked down, “Yes, I-”

“Six o’ clock, Jared.” Jensen cut him off, voice suddenly dripping with anger, “ _ Six. _ It’s almost seven thirty.” 

“I know.” Jared told him, trying to show his remorse in his eyes and voice, “I’m sorry, It’s just been a while since Chad and I have talked and I lost track of time.”

Jensen stood up to meet his height and fired back, gritting his teeth, “I spent hours in the kitchen making all this food just for it to get cold waiting for you.”

Jared rubbed the back of his neck- a nervous tick. He didn’t feel like fighting, goddammit. He just tried to defend himself and make Jensen feel better. 

“We can heat it up, right?” He suggested gently, “I’m sorry, it was just nice to have a friend to talk to again.” 

All that did was further piss Jensen off. He was practically fuming when he asked, “Our conversations not count?”

“Of course they do.” Jared answered immediately, walking forward, “I just mean… it was nice to talk to someone who understands what I’ve been through. That’s all.” 

He reached out to grab Jensen’s forearm, but his boyfriend jerked it away like he was burned.

“Someone who understands what you’ve been through.” Jensen hissed bitterly, “Am I not ticking that box, either?”

Jared let out a long breath.

“Jensen, you mean the world to me, okay?” He answered carefully, “But, you weren’t in Iraq. You don’t… there are things you just can’t understand.” 

Jensen clenched his jaw again and turned away from Jared, grabbing the dishes from the table and bringing them over to the trash. He mumbled something under his breath as he dumped one of the plates. Jared grabbed his wrist to stop him from dumping the second one. 

“Stop it!” He shouted, “What’d you say?” 

Jensen shot his gaze up, glaring daggers at Jared when he told him bitterly, “I said well then maybe you should be with Chad! If he understands you so well, why are you still here with me?!” 

Now Jared was starting to get a little angry. This whole jealousy thing Jensen had going on over Chad was incredibly frustrating. And he was taking it out on the wrong damn person.

“Ok, number one, I’m not a fan of this attitude.” Jared scolded, raising his brows, “And number two, you’re being ridiculous! Chad is my  _ friend _ .”

Jensen slammed the plate down on the table and yelled back, steam coming from his ears, “A  _ friend _ that you spent an extra hour and a half with and left your boyfriend waiting, worrying about you, for!” 

Jared felt his heart clench. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He stuttered out, stunned beyond belief, “I’m sorry, are you accusing me of  _ cheating on you _ ?” 

Jensen looked him up and down and snarled, “If the shoe fits.” 

Jared’s eyes widened to saucers and he defended, “Jensen! Come on! You know me! I would  _ never  _ cheat. Please tell me you know that.” 

Jensen smiled tightly, “Well, apparently I don’t know you. Only Chad can understand you, right?” His smile dropped and he hissed, “Well, good.” 

Jared brought a hand up to his head and rubbed his palm over his forehead. He felt like he had taken goddamn crazy pills. 

“Oh my God, no!” He shouted, “Of course not. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Well then explain!” Jensen came barreling towards him and shoved his chest, “How come you couldn’t make up an excuse and leave? You weren’t ten minutes late, Jared. You were an  _ hour and a half _ late! That’s not okay!”

Jared blinked back the tears that came to his eyes from the shock of the push. He gulped like a fish for a moment before whispering, “I wanted to come home, I swear. But Chad is in a really tough space right now, and I couldn’t just leave him without talking it through. I’m  _ sorry _ .”

Jensen just shook his head and went to grab the other plate, bringing it back to the trash can.

“Jensen, stop it!” Jared begged, “We can still eat all this.”

“I’m not hungry.” Jensen grumbled.

“Come on.” Jared pleaded, blocking Jensen’s path to the trash can and grabbing his shoulder. He sighed, “Baby…”

“Don’t  _ baby  _ me.” Jensen snapped, practically growling at Jared.

Jared let out a frustrated breath and semi-snapped, “How many times do I need to say sorry before you forgive me?!” 

Jensen’s nostrils flared and he shifted his feet, standing his ground.

“God, I was just trying to help out a friend and you’re acting like I cheated on you in front of your parents or something!” Jared laughed humorlessly, “Jensen, this isn’t that big of a deal!” 

“It’s a big deal to me!” Jensen yelled, louder than either of them had gotten, “I had a really fucking bad day, Jared. I had a really, really bad day and you  _ weren’t there _ ! You were helping  _ Chad _ , instead! So maybe it’s not a big deal to you, but it’s a fucking big deal to me!”

Jared suddenly felt ten times more anxious. The anger slipped away into worry and he asked quietly, “What happened today?” 

Jensen glared at him for a solid handful of seconds before erupting, his voice suddenly shaking,“My fucking grandmother died today, Jared.”

Jared’s heart sank to the pit of his stomach and he tilted his head. He moved forward to hug his boyfriend, voice shaking, “Oh my God, Jensen-”

Jensen slapped his arms away and growled, “Don’t touch me.”

Jared didn’t let it phase him. He felt the tears gathering in his eyes as he whispered, “I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry.” 

“Yeah, I bet you are.” Jensen bit out, crossing his arms over his chest in self-defense, “You know, all these months I’ve gotten to know you, I never thought of you as  _ selfish. _ But that’s exactly what you are. I needed you, and you didn’t come. You showed up almost two hours later. You’re selfish, Jared. I wait on you hand and fucking foot, I deal with your nightmares, I comfort you! And the one time I need that back, you’re  _ busy _ . You always put yourself first. Make me go to the grocery store in the morning, make me get the coffee, make me do all your stupid errands.”

Jared felt a ginormous lump in his throat and an even bigger rock in the pit of his stomach. All of his insecurities were coming to a head. He looked down, lip quivering and voice cracking when he weakly tried to defend himself, “You… you know I can’t…”

“Because of the headaches, right.” Jensen harshly filed in, “The big excuse. Those happen in the morning Jared, and we are standing here at 8:00 at night. You can’t use that on me, now. You weren’t here when I needed you because you thought you had somewhere better to be. Someone more important to take care of.”

“If I had known what happened, I would have dropped everything and come here.” Jared said it incredibly slowly to keep his tone even, but still his voice wavered with the betrayal and despair. 

Jensen’s eyes were filled with tears now, either from anger of grief. He asked with a shrug, “I’m supposed to believe that?”

“I don’t…” Jared slid his tongue to the inside of his cheek, pushing it out. He let the tears fall down his cheeks as he finished, “I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

Jensen didn’t even sound all that angry anymore, more saddened than anything, when he condemned, “I could always count on you. No matter what, you always had my back. Tonight, I can’t even tell you how much you let me down.”

Jared felt those words like a physical blow. His whole body hunched over.  _ Oh God, oh God, oh God.  _ The anxiety was overwhelming. The panic. The fear. The insecurity. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he struggled to breathe. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, I need to…” He gasped for air, not even looking at Jensen as he went to grab his coat off the rack, “I’m just gonna go for a walk. I need to clear my head.”

When his hand landed on the doorknob, he heard the bitter words, “Good. You do that. And you know what? Don’t bother coming back here.” 

Jared closed the door behind him and started sobbing. He pulled his body weight along like a ball and chain, whole body hurting and stomach twisting. 

He kept walking until he reached the bus station. He got onto the next ride and sat there like a zombie, eyes wide and red and lips parted. His brain was practically turned off at this point, his entire body shut down and running on autopilot. Every doubt he ever had about himself was brought to a goddamn head and all he could feel was guilt, rejection, and despair. Jensen called him selfish. He said he  _ let him down _ . That was the most painful thing Jared had ever had said to him. For the person he loved to be disappointed in him…  _ Fuck. _

He couldn’t comprehend his own emotions. He didn’t even understand where he was going until his body carried him to Chad’s front door. He sniffled and rang the bell twice, staring down at the ground.

“Padalecki?” He asked in surprise, but then Jared lifted his head and Chad’s eyes softened at the dread and sadness he saw on his face. He frowned and pulled Jared inside, asking, “What happened?”

Jared fell into his arms and Chad hugged him tight. It wasn’t until that moment that it all crashed down. Jared let out a sob. And once he let out one, they just wouldn’t stop.

“Woah, woah, okay.” Chad exhaled and started rubbing Jared’s back, stumbling back a little with the weight of his bigger body, “Okay, it’s okay. You’re alright.”

He reached up and grabbed Jared’s head, pulling it away from his shoulder and holding it between his hands so he could look him in the eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, gently but firmly.

Jared reached up to wipe his eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to rehash the whole story so he just swallowed and asked, “Can… can I stay for tonight?”

Chad furrowed his brows and nodded, expression extraordinary serious.

“Of course you can.” He asserted, “The guest room is ready to go.”

Jared rubbed a hand over his face and nodded softly, whimpering, “Thank you.”

Chad shook his head, “You don’t have to thank me. Take all the time you need, okay?” 

Jared nodded before falling back into Chad’s arms, burying his face in his shoulder and shaking with silent sobs. 

“God, Padalecki, what happened?” Chad asked almost rhetorically as he held his friend, sliding his hands gently up and down on his back to soothe him.

“Jensen…” Jared cried, “He…” 

He couldn’t complete the thought. He couldn’t say it out loud. His heart was so fucking fragile and heavy right now.

“Just breathe, okay?” Chad told him, and Jared was thankful that he wasn’t trying to pull the story out of him, “You’re okay. Just breathe.”

“I…” Jared stuttered, still shaking, “I’m sorry.” 

Chad squeezed him tighter and shook his head, “Don’t apologize. Do you want some tea? I can make tea.” 

That sounded nice. Jared nodded and Chad smiled a little, sadly.

“Okay, come on.” Chad guided Jared to a stool at the kitchen island and draped a blanket over his shoulders.

He walked over to the stove and started heating water, grabbing a tea bag and setting it and a tall mug aside for now. As Chad moved around the kitchen, Jared took advantage of the space to calm himself down. He stopped crying and focused on breathing, letting his nerves settle down. 

“You feeling a little better?” Chad asked when he saw that the tears had stopped. He brought the finished cup of tea over and sat across from Jared.

“A little.” Jared nodded, taking the tea cup in both his hands and just appreciating the warmth, “Thanks.”

“You’ve done more for me.” Chad acknowledged before sighing and prompting, “So…”

“So,” Jared picked up, knowing Chad was asking implicitly for an explanation, “Jensen was mad I was late. He was right to be. His grandmother died today, Murray. And I wasn’t there. He said I was selfish and that I…” He choked up, “That I had let him down. I told him I was going to go for a walk to clear my head and he said to stay gone.”

Chad shook his head and sighed, “Well, shit.”

Jared tilted his head and took a sip of tea.

“Well,” Chad sighed, leaning in towards Jared, “Come on, you know that he was just emotional and stressed out and took it out on you, right?”

Jared shrugged, “I don’t know. The things he said felt so  _ motivated _ . I think he genuinely believes that I’m selfish and that I disappointed him.” 

Chad shook his head, “I refuse to believe that. You’re one of the most selfless men I’ve ever met. Jensen knows that, too. You just gotta give him a little time, let him blow off steam.”

Jared looked down, “It’s like he handpicked all the things he knew made me feel the worst and threw them at me.”

Chad sighed and reached across the table, grabbing onto Jared’s wrist to comfort him.

“Jensen was hurting and he wanted you to hurt just as badly.” Chad told him softly, “It’s not rational, and it’s not fair, but it’s true. You were the unlucky target of a lot of pent up emotions.”

Jared knew rationally that that was probably true, but all of his doubts were on the surface right now. 

“Maybe.” He mumbled. 

Chad squeezed his arm, “No, no maybe.” 

Jared looked up and smiled sadly.

Chad caught his eye and sighed, “Look, you can stay however long you need to, ok? But don’t wait too long to make up with your boy. I’m sure it was all a misunderstanding.”

Jared sighed, “I don’t even know what to apologize for. All I did was show up late. Sure, I’m sorry for that. But everything else? How was I supposed to be there for him if he didn’t tell me he needed me?” 

“I told you, it’s not rational,” Chad shrugged, “Who knows, maybe he’ll apologize first.”

Jared scoffed a little, “Maybe.” 

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, Chad casting worried glances at Jared every couple moments and Jared sipping his tea. They kept up with some small talk and ended the conversation with Jared asserting that he wasn’t going to go home until Jensen told him it was okay. 

“Padalecki.” Chad pushed.

“No.” Jared asserted, “He told me to leave and never come back.”

“Heat of th-”

“Heat of the moment, yeah, I know, I know.” Jared rolled his eyes, “But I’m not going back until I hear that from him. Until I know for sure.” 

Chad relented, sighing, “Okay.”

When he finished his tea, Chad showed him to the guest room and then they went their separate ways for the night. 

Jared didn’t brush his teeth. He didn’t even change. He just laid down on top of the blankets and softly wept until he fell asleep.

  
  


——————

  
  


The moment Jared closed the door behind him, Jensen chucked the plate in his hand across the room. It hit the wall and fractured into a hundred tiny pieces, red sauce splattering everywhere. He clenched his fists and teeth, jaw locking and entire body steaming with rage. 

He wasn’t even that mad at Jared. Not really. 

Sure, he was pissed that Jared was so late. He had made dinner for the two of them and had been looking forward to seeing his boyfriend all fucking day. But he  _ knew _ Jared never would’ve made him feel bad on purpose. It was probably -no,  _ definitely- _ true that Chad was in a bad place and Jared was doing exactly what he was so good at… helping. Jensen was just mad that he wasn’t the one being helped. 

Maybe it was irrational, but it was how he  _ felt.  _ His brain told him he had no right to feel abandoned or angry, but his heart was screaming that Jared had left him alone in his time of need for a  _ friend _ . 

And fuck, Jensen was mad at  _ himself _ for not just telling Jared he needed him when he got the news. He was mad at himself for screaming at Jared the second he walked in the door. He was the most mad at himself for letting his emotions and stress get the best of him. He let himself go off like a damn bomb and  _ all  _ of the shrapnel ended up in Jared. It was his job to  _ stop _ Jay from feeling bad about himself, and instead, he dug his nails into all of his boyfriend’s open wounds. He called him selfish, rubbed all of his flaws in his face, and said that he’d let him down. How could he do that? 

Jensen slammed his fist down on the counter and growled at himself. His heart was still aching from the loss of his grandmother, and he just pushed away the one person he wanted to help. But dammit, Jared shouldn’t have walked out the door! He should’ve stayed and worked through it. Jared was at least partially at fault here. Jensen tried his best to convince himself of that. It was the only thing keeping him sane. 

When an hour passed by and Jared didn’t return, Jensen decided to put everything in the kitchen away. He put all the food he made into containers and tossed them into the fridge, the sight of the food making him sick to his stomach. All that time and effort put in for nothing. He wasn’t washing dishes tonight. 

He took a burning hot shower and swallowed hard at the thought of Jared walking around alone for two hours, now. What if he got a headache? Jensen sat down on his bed and took his phone in his hand, opening contacts and hovering his finger over Jared’s smiling picture. He wanted to call him, make sure he was okay. 

_ No _ , he told himself,  _ stop it. You’re mad at him, remember? _

Jensen clenched his jaw and put his phone down on the nightstand.

When it hit midnight and Jared still hadn’t come home, Jensen started to really become worried. He knew he told Jared not to come back, but… he didn’t  _ mean _ that. Didn’t Jared know that he was just angry? He stared up at the ceiling, not even close to being able to sleep.

_ You’re selfish, Jared _ . Those three words kept replaying in his mind. How the hell could he have said that to his boyfriend? Jared was the most selfless person  _ he knew. _ The kindest, most open person in the world. He told him he was  _ selfish _ . Not only that, but he told him that  _ he’d let him down. _ That was Jared’s deepest fear, and Jensen said it just to get a rise out of him. It wasn’t even remotely true! Jensen knew deep in his soul that Jared never would have been late on purpose. He never would’ve left Jensen alone if he knew what had happened. He never would’ve done anything Jensen accused him of if he had any choice in the matter.  _ Never. _ It’s why Jensen loved him so much. 

But, God help him, one of the most important people in the world to him died today. Jensen was wrung way too tight and coiled up like a damn cobra. Every little thing was setting him off; every inconvenience was a monsoon. Jared just happened to be the lucky recipient of all his rage and grief. Yes, he was late and that wasn’t okay. But he didn’t deserve to hear what Jensen had said to him. Ever.

And now? 

Now, alone in their dark room, Jensen was feeling the weight of his grandmother’s death, and he needed Jared. He needed his boyfriend to hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright. He needed to be kissed and cuddled better. He needed those strong arms around him, guiding him home. But he couldn’t have that. Why? Because he told Jared he was  _ selfish _ and that he  _ let him down _ , and then he kicked him out the fucking door. 

He shot up in bed and literally shouted aloud to himself, “Fuck!” 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter is kinda long, but I honestly couldn’t find a good place to break it up into two. Hope you enjoy!!!!
> 
> *P.S. thank you to those who have left positive comments on this story. It means a lot :)

Jared woke up the next morning with a horrific headache. 

Chad wanted to take him to the hospital but Jared said no. The last time he went, they just gave him pain meds until he slept it off. 

The migraine wore off around 2:00pm and another hit at 4:00. It was a really bad day. He and Jensen never so much as texted. It was radio silence on both ends. 

The next two days passed by the same. Jared had pretty nasty headaches, worsened by stress and emotions, and he and Jensen remained unspeaking. 

Jared knew he could put on his big boy pants and make the first move, but he didn’t want to. He had his pride. 

It was Thursday morning when it all came to a head. Thursday morning was the funeral for Jensen’s grandmother. Jared found out on facebook and though Jensen never invited him or even told him about it, he knew the right thing to do was to go. His boyfriend’s nana was incredibly important to him, and she was the reason they met in the first place. Jared only met her once, but she was incredibly kind and thoughtful. And he saw the love and adoration Jensen had for her. He still loved that man with all his heart, no matter how much he hurt him, and he would support him regardless. If Jensen needed him, he’d be there. Always. 

So, he slid into his black suit, and even though he’d only had one headache that day, got in the passenger's seat of Chad’s car. 

“You sure?” Chad had asked as he shifted the truck into reverse, foot still on the brake.

Jared nodded, fidgeting nervously with the sleeve on his jacket, “I’m sure.”

Chad nodded back and then they were off. It was a fifteen minute drive and Chad dropped him off outside the church.

“You got this.” He smiled at Jared through the window.

Jared nodded and then Chad drove away, leaving him alone to walk into the church. He nodded kindly to the woman passing out programs and once inside, took a seat in the back of the church. He didn’t need to be too close to the front. Not when he wasn’t even sure if Jensen wanted him here. 

Jared slid all the way to the end of the pew, keeping himself as small as possible. The lighting in this place was making his eyes and head hurt, but he would power through. 

Headache number two of the day came right when the loud bells went off and the family of the deceased started walking in. He saw Jensen walk in beside his siblings and behind his parents. It was when they were a fourth of the way down the aisle that he had to close his eyes and crouch down, squeezing his eyelids down tightly and trying to hiss as quietly as he could through the pain. Luckily, this one was sharp and quick. When it was over, his eyes were even more sensitive to the light than before. But he was here for Jensen. He had to keep that motivation in the forefront. He straightened out his back and leaned into the pew, catching a few worried and curious glances out of the corners of his eyes. He didn’t pay them any mind. Not when only one gaze was important.

Jensen was looking at him. He was sitting in the front pew now, head turned around so he could see Jared. His eyes were wide and his lips were parted. The second Jared met his eyes, however, Jensen looked away. He turned back around. 

He stayed like that the whole time, not giving Jared any attention. Not even when he made his speech did he spare a glance his way. Jared started to feel his stomach twist.

The service ended fairly quickly and then they were all making their way to a large hall for food and drinks. Jared sat at a table by himself, waiting patiently for Jensen and his family to arrive after their trip to the cemetery. Jared wanted to get the hell out of here, but he didn’t want to leave without saying something to Jensen.

Fifteen minutes later, the Ackles arrived. Jared waited a few minutes for the dust to settle before getting up and walking over to where Jensen was standing, his heart pounding in his chest and palms sweating.

He cleared his throat to get Jensen’s attention, and when he turned around, his boyfriend looked slightly surprised. Not angry, though. That was a good sign.

“Can…” His throat choked on the words and he laughed nervously before trying again, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

It took a few very long seconds, but eventually Jensen nodded. He looked over his shoulder and walked a little to the left where there was open space. Jared followed.

Jared swallowed and started speaking softly, “I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but I wanted to say that I’m sorry. Not just for your grandmother, but for everything. You had every right to say what you did, and I…” He stopped, his throat getting too choked up to push more words out. He looked down at the ground and let out an audible breath. He swallowed down the emotions before blinking and speaking again.

“Anyway, just promise me you’ll take care of yourself, okay?” He looked up and saw that Jensen was staring at him with teary eyes. It didn’t look like he was going to speak anytime soon. So, Jared smiled tightly and nodded. With a strained voice, he added, “I’ll see myself out.”

He turned around and squeezed his eyes closed to keep the tears back as he walked towards the exit. Jensen just  _ stood there _ , unmoving while he said those things. God, Jared was so fucking  _ stupid _ . He stayed out with Chad and it amounted to all of this. Jensen didn’t even want to see him, anymore. He probably hated him. It was only a matter of time before he officially broke up with him. Those thoughts sent chills down his spine and made his already shattered heart crack just a little more. He counted his breaths and focused with all his might on keeping his vision clear and concentrated. The room was spinning though, and gravity felt so fucking heavy. The hardwood floors were suddenly way too shiny and the grains in the wood were gaping. He looked up and blinked to keep focus. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweating. He walked fast, ignoring many friends that he would normally stop to talk to.

“Jared, where are you going?” He heard a female voice say, but he ignored it completely and kept walking as quickly as he could to the door.

He almost bumped into Jensen’s father, but was able to stop himself last minute. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled before continuing past. 

Alan didn’t let that slide, though. He grabbed Jared's shoulder and gently pulled him back. His eyes were narrowed and he looked critically at Jared’s pale face.

“You okay, son?” He asked, and Jared immediately nodded with a tight, incredibly ingenuine smile. 

“I’m great.” 

He shook out of Alan’s grip as politely as he could and continued towards the back door, where he could make a discreet exit. Nobody was in the back hallway, they were all in the main room. Once Jared reached the empty hallway, he felt like he could breathe a little easier. 

It wasn’t until he finally reached the back door that he was stopped in his tracks.

“Jared!” It was Jensen’s gruff and weighted voice that made him freeze, his hand stuck in midair, reaching for the door handle. The shout was followed by another, quieter plea, “Wait.”

Jared closed his eyes and dropped his hand, keeping his back turned to Jensen. Every bone in his body wanted to get the hell away. To run right out that door and ignore all the hurt, pain, and misery that the man standing behind him had caused him. He wanted to run away from the pain. That’s what he always did. He bit his lip and tilted his head a bit before reaching forward again for the handle to see himself out. 

“Please stay.” Jensen begged, and his voice was so weary and strained that Jared had to stop again.

He felt his chest squeeze tight at both the words and his voice. Since when did Jensen want Jared to stay? The last time they saw each other, Jensen was practically throwing Jared out the door. 

He shook his head minutely before finally turning around to look at the man, confusion and awe flooding his body as he took in the sight of Jensen. He was a few yards away, arms hanging limp by his sides and eyes wide and glassy.

“I thought…” Jared’s voice got thick so he swallowed and tried again, avoiding eye contact, “I thought you wanted me to go.”

Jensen’s lip quivered and he shook his head. He walked a few steps towards Jared. The tears in his eyes became more visible the closer he got. When he was within whisper distance, he opened his mouth and spoke so quietly Jared almost thought he made it up.

“I thought I did too, at first, but…” His voice cracked and a single tear slid down his cheek, “I can’t bear to lose another person I love. I can’t… I can’t lose  _ you _ .” 

_ Person I love _ . Fuck, Jensen still loved him. That confirmation was enough to make Jared melt into a giant puddle of relief and sorrow. 

“I’m so sorry, Jared.” He cried, “I’m so sorry.”

Jared’s shoulders sank.

“Jensen…” He exhaled like a prayer as he closed the distance between them and pulled the shorter man into his arms. Jared squeezed him tight and promised because he knew Jensen needed to hear it, “It doesn’t matter if we’re fighting, or how pissed at each other we become, or whether you want to see me or not. I promise that you will never,  _ ever _ lose me.”

Jensen immediately buried his head into Jared’s shoulder and muffled a cry in his sleeve. He wrapped his strong arms around the taller’s back and held on so tight that Jared could feel his shirt being balled up into clenched fists. The younger man responded simply by tightening his own hold, pulling Jensen even closer to his body and reaching up to gently stroke his hair. 

It struck Jared that barely a week ago, Jensen broke his heart into a million pieces and left him to deal with the wreckage. And now he was standing here, holding up all of Jensen’s broken pieces and patching him back together. Something felt a little ironic about the situation. But still, Jensen had lost someone incredibly important to him, and it was Jared’s duty to help him through that. Maybe not duty, actually. More like desire. He wanted to comfort the man he still very much loved, and right now that meant reaffirming that he was here for him. It wasn’t about Jared’s feelings.

“I’m here for you.” Jared whispered, bringing his hand up to cup the back of Jensen’s head, “I won’t leave you until the day you tell me you want me to go.”

Jensen sniffled and adjusted his head so his chin was resting on Jared’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms impossibly tighter around Jared’s back and whispered ever so softly right by his ear, “Never.”

Jared had to bite down on his bottom lip and rapidly blink to keep himself from crying. He was so sure Jensen was done with him. He was so damn scared that he was going to lose the person that mattered the most to him. And now… now, he knew he wasn’t. It was like a vice wrapping around his heart in a weirdly good yet simultaneously painful way.

“It’s okay.” He soothed when he heard Jensen hiccup against his shoulder, his body shaking with his cries. It was his natural instinct to comfort this man, to try and make it better. He sighed, “I’ve got you.” 

Jensen half-sobbed, “I love you.” 

A single tear fell down Jared’s cheek. He let out a shuddering breath and tried to hold back any actual cries. He needed to be the strong one right now.

“I…” Jared got caught on the words, his brain telling him to not say it back. Don’t put yourself in that vulnerable position, not again. Not yet. But then he heard Jensen sniffle again and he couldn’t help it. He whispered hesitantly, “I love you too.” 

Jensen held him tight and tucked his head into Jared’s neck, nuzzling his nose in his collarbone. 

He begged, “Please come back home. I miss you so much.” 

Jared closed his eyes and breathed out, squeezing Jensen tighter. 

Euphoria. That’s what Jared felt when he heard those words. He missed home so fucking much. He missed his bed. His clothes. His  _ boyfriend _ . He wanted to go back so bad, but he was waiting for Jensen to open the door. And now he finally had.

“I missed you too. I would love to come home.” He whispered, “I promise I’m not leaving. Ever.” 

“I’m so sorry for everything.” Jensen told him, his crying decreased to sniffling. He was gripping Jared’s coat like it was a goddamn lifeline. 

“I know.” Jared whispered, “I am too.”

They hugged for another solid few minutes before Alan came looking for Jensen. He looked at the two of them with a little smile before dragging Jensen away. Jared told him he was going to go home, and that he’d be waiting for him when he got back. After the emotional distress of the day, they could use some space. Jared didn’t want to make Chad come all this way to drive him again, so he just got an uber.

He almost cried when he walked into their home. He’d only been away a couple of days, but God, how he missed this place. The clean smell, their furniture. He breathed in deeply as he walked into their bedroom. His heart sank when he saw the master bed, unmade and messy. Jensen was normally such a neat freak about that. He sighed and decided to make it himself, pulling the sheets taught and tucking them in nicely. He changed out of his suit into a tee shirt and flannel pants, going for comfy. 

There were a  _ ton  _ of dirty dishes by the sink. It looked like Jensen hadn’t done any in the days since he left. Jared sighed and went about hand washing them all, feeling the need to clean up their home. He hoped it would be a metaphor for their relationship. 

Jensen walked in the door almost three hours later, looking drained and tired. When his eyes landed on Jared standing over a sparkly clean stove stirring up some leftover, homemade chicken noodle soup, he fell back against the door and let himself stay there. He rested his head on the wooden door frame and crossed his arms over his chest, just watching his boyfriend move around the kitchen.

“What’s that look for?” Jared asked him when he caught his eye, taking in his boyfriend’s relaxed posture and dewey eyes. 

Jensen shook his head softly and shrugged a little, “I don’t know. I just… I missed you being here.” 

Jared’s shoulders relaxed and he nodded in understanding. He wished it wasn’t still so awkward between them. They’d definitely have to talk everything out. Jared swallowed and told Jensen softly, “Why don’t you go change? This is almost done.” 

Jensen nodded and agreed, “Okay.” 

Then he was walking down the hallway and disappearing. Jared took a deep breath and continued stirring the soup. It still felt like there was this loaded tension in the air between them, and Jared wasn’t a fan. He just didn’t know where to even start bringing it up. 

When Jensen came back, he was in knee-length soccer shorts and a college sweatshirt, face looking a little fresher. There was visibly less weight on his shoulders. Jared placed two bowls down on either side of the table and they sat down and started eating.

“Mhm, this is great, Jared.” Jensen hummed into a spoonful of warm broth.

Jared laughed a little, “I just heated up what you made.” 

Jensen shrugged, “Yeah, but you have a special touch.” 

Jared was taken a little aback by the compliment. He cleared his throat and ignored it, continuing to eat until they were both done. He grabbed the bowls and brought them to the sink. When he took out the dishwashing soap, Jensen grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“What?” Jared asked with raised brows.

“Hold off.” Jensen told him, “Do them tomorrow, come on.” 

Jared rolled his eyes, “Give me one good reason to procrastinate doing this.”

Jensen leaned right up into his ear and placed a hand on his chest, whispering, “Makeup sex?” 

All of the hairs on Jared’s body stood up. He felt warmth pool in his gut and he clenched his fingers around the bottle in his hand. He let out a shaky breath and swallowed.

“You’re seriously in the mood right now?” He asked, more breathlessly than he would ever admit. 

Jensen and he spent a week not talking to each other, and Jensen had spent all day today at a funeral. How on earth was he in the mood for sex? It was the last thing on Jared’s mind. Well… it was, until now.

Jensen pressed a kiss to the skin just behind Jared’s ear and he had to catch himself on the counter when he felt his knees start to buckle.

“I missed you.” Jensen whispered before sucking at Jared’s jawline, making his eyelashes flutter and mouth fall open, “I need you. I need you inside me. Your arms, wrapped around me.” 

He demonstrated by pulling the bottle of soap out of Jared’s hand and putting it down on the counter before guiding his arms to his back, forcing him to wrap them around his torso. He hummed, continuing to suck on Jared’s throat. 

_ Oh.  _ Jensen needed intimacy. He needed comfort. That’s why he wanted sex. That made a lot more sense. Still though… their last conversation other than the one they’d had a few hours ago was messy. It was  _ mean.  _ Jensen hurt him. Pretty freaking badly, too. Jared didn’t know how they just ignored that and fucked. 

“Thought…” Jared broke off to gasp when Jensen’s lips attached to his pulse point. He brought a hand up to his hair and ran his fingers through the blonde locks. He finished speaking on a shaky exhale, eyes squinting, “Thought I was selfish.” 

Jensen pulled away like he’d been shot. Jared kept his arms around him as he brought his head up. Jensen grabbed Jared’s chin to force him to look him in the eye. The lust and desperation was now pure determination and seriousness.

“Listen to me.” Jensen whispered, “You are the least selfish person I have ever met. I was angry, and grieving, and I took it all out on you. None of what I said was true. I love you, and I’m sorry.”

Jared sighed and nodded as Jensen gently caressed his cheek with his calloused hand, “I’m sorry too.”

Jensen smiled sadly before letting his hand land on the back of Jared’s head. He firmly pulled Jared’s head down until their lips met, humming into the intimate contact. 

“You’re sure about this?” Jared asked when they pulled back to breathe, foreheads pressed together and lips mere millimeters apart. He needed to be sure,

“You’re not just emotional and desperate and I’m here?”

Jensen shuddered and reached down to squeeze Jared’s hand, “I want to feel connected to you, Jay, not just anybody. I want to feel connected to the man I love. It’s been a long day, and I just… I want to feel you. Emotionally and physically.”

It made sense, it did. Jared just wasn’t one hundred percent sure if  _ he  _ was ready to be intimate again when he had felt so hurt by Jensen a week ago. He desperately wanted to talk this whole thing through first. But… he also knew that Jensen had a really trying day.

He let out a shaky breath and thought about it for a couple more seconds before nodding, brushing his hand though Jensen’s hair and swallowing, “Okay.” 

Jensen had a really hard day. He had to go through hours of saying goodbye to a woman that meant the world to him. If sex would make him feel better, well… Jared wasn’t going to deny him. They’d have their chance to talk this through after. Right now, Jensen needed him, and Jared wasn’t going to make the mistake of leaving him ever again. 

“Come on.” Jared pecked his lips once before guiding them to the bedroom, closing the door behind them with his foot and throwing Jensen down onto the bed.

Jensen smiled like a cheshire cat as he landed on his ass in the middle of the bed, eyes dilating wide as Jared crawled on above him, straddling his waist.

“Fuck, yes.” He moaned, laughing in lust and excitement. He always loved when Jared got rough with him. 

Jared smiled before leaning down and capturing Jensen’s mouth with his own, humming happily into his lips and closing his eyes. Jensen reached up and held onto Jared’s hips, using his thumbs to gently stroke the top of Jared’s ass. Their tongues entered the mix for the first time that night and they both moaned at the new contact. They stayed like that for a while, just getting used to each other's tastes again.

At first it was slow and uncertain. Then soft and smooth. They kept going until it became the kind of kiss they’d perfected a long time ago. The perfect push and pull. Delicious and addictive. Jared found his mind clearing away and all he could think about was  _ Jensen, Jensen, Jensen…  _

He loved the way his smaller body melted into his own. The way their lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way Jensen relented as he played with his hair and held him tighter and tighter. When they finally broke away after what seemed like ages, Jensen looked up at him...

His eyes were sex itself. His lips were swollen and his cheeks were flushed. Jared’s body lit fire.

He licked his lips, asking breathlessly, “How do you wanna do this?” 

Jensen huffed a breath and wrapped a leg around Jared’s ass, pulling their bodies closer, “You, in me. Deep. I wanna see your face.” 

Jared translated in his head; him on top, slow and deep, missionary. The thought made Jared’s already hard dick stiffen more. He nodded rapidly before leaning down and meeting Jensen’s lips again.

This time, he kissed Jensen and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. He rested his hand right below Jensen’s ear, thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Jensen ran his fingers down Jared’s spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and Jared could feel the beating of his heart against his chest. He breathed into Jensen’s mouth and felt all of the tension in his body pour into that kiss.

He groaned in approval when he felt Jensen’s fingers reach the bottom of his back and start edging his shirt up. Jared reluctantly pulled his mouth away from Jensen’s so he could sit up and put his arms above his head, allowing Jensen to pull the shirt off of him. Jensen’s gaze turned predatory, and since Jared was now on his knees, Jensen had to sit up on the bed to launch forward and lick over Jared’s buff chest. Jared mewled, grabbing Jensen’s hair and holding him in place as he licked the crevice between his pecs and sucked teasingly at his nipples. 

“Come on.” Jared tilted his head back, his breath coming shallowly. He pulled Jensen’s head away with barely any real force. 

Jensen looked up at him like a kicked puppy, “What?” 

Jared laughed a little before speaking with his actions, reaching for Jensen’s sweatshirt and helping him yank it off. 

“Oh.” Jensen smiled as he flung the sweatshirt across the room. As Jared reached for the waistband of his shorts, Jensen breathed out, “Yeah, I’m on board with this.” 

Jared smiled, “Good.”

And then he was yanking Jensen’s shorts and briefs down in one smooth maneuver, exposing his bare hips and watching his dick jump out of the waistband. Jensen’s breath hitched and he reached down to squeeze his cock, offering himself some semblance of relief. 

“You too.” He pleaded breathlessly and Jared nodded rapidly, sliding out of his own pants and boxers. He bit his lip as he reached down and stroked once, twice. 

“Back.” He commanded, letting go of his dick and pushing on Jensen’s chest, forcing him to lie back down on the mattress. Jensen licked his lips and groaned when his back hit the sheets. 

Jared crawled over Jensen until his body was mirroring the one below him- lips hovering over lips, eyes across eyes, hips above hips.

Jared made dead eye contact with Jensen and thrust down in a single, fluid motion. Their cocks met and pressed against each other as he moved his hips in a wave. Jared watched as Jensen’s jaw dropped and his eyes rolled back just the slightest bit. His boyfriend was hot as  _ shit _ . He pulled his hips away before doing it again, grinding slow but hard, loving the way Jensen’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. 

“Can’t…” Jensen struggled to catch his breath, “Can’t keep doing that.” 

Jared smirked, asking “Yeah?”, before doing it again, drawing a loud moan from his boyfriend. 

Jensen reached up and dug his nails into Jared’s hip, making him hiss and forcing him to stop. He breathed out, “Don’t wanna come like that.” 

Jared leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead and then asked somewhat teasingly, “Already close, baby?” 

Jensen slapped Jared’s ass, “Shut up.” 

Jared lurched forward at the pressure and gasped at the heat that was sent through his body. He laughed breathlessly, cheeks turning red, “You know, if you want me to stop, that kinda sends the opposite message.” 

Jensen rolled his eyes before grabbing the back of Jared’s neck and pulling his head down so they were kissing again. 

“I hate you.” Jensen joked into the kiss, pulling at Jared’s hair and moaning as his boyfriend started plucking at his nipple. 

“No you don’t.” Jared replied easily, brushing his fingernail over Jensen’s nipple just to watch his back arch off the bed. 

Jensen smiled as he continued sucking on Jared’s lips, breath scattered and hitched from all the attention, “No I don’t.” 

Jared kissed him again and then fully retreated, his body completely off of Jensen’s and off to the side. Jensen literally whined out loud, suddenly cold and abandoned. 

“Hang on.” Jared told him as he grabbed a condom and lube from the nightstand. Then he rolled back over on top of Jensen again, smiling overly wide, “Happy?” 

Jensen knew it was a tease, but he couldn’t help but answer honestly as he looked up at Jared’s naked body, lube in his hand, “Very happy.” 

Jared’s expression softened and he took a deep breath before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Jensen’s collarbone. His boyfriend ran his hands over the taught muscles that made up his upper back. 

“It’s been a little while.” Jared commented into Jensen’s skin as he dropped the lube to the bed, moving his hands to either side of Jensen’s hips and pressing his thumbs in. 

“Haaaa.” Jensen gasped at the feeling of warmth that erupted in his groin from the feeling of Jared’s thumbs in the dips of his hips. He took a shuddering breath and agreed, “Over a week. Maybe even two. Can’t… fuck… Can’t think when you’re doing that.” 

Jared smirked and sucked at Jensen’s collar bone again just to make him squirm. He slowly made his way down Jensen’s torso, licking over his tummy until he reached the trail of hair leading to his groin. He backed off right at the V of his pelvis.

“Hand me a pillow.” He commanded, lips wet from his own saliva.

Jensen didn’t need to be asked twice. He grabbed one of the pillows at the head of the bed and tossed it to Jared, watching with lustful eyes as Jared caught it in his left hand.

“Lift up.” He told Jensen, holding his hips firmly so Jensen knew exactly what he meant. 

Jensen moaned in excitement and lifted his hips up off the mattress so Jared could slide the pillow underneath his butt. He settled back down once it was in place and took a deep breath, waiting to see what Jared would do next. 

He didn’t have to wait long to find out. 

Within seconds, Jensen was watching as Jared ducked his head down between his legs. It’s like it happened in slow motion, all the anticipation building. His breaths were long and shallow as he waited for the inevitable. He met Jared’s eyes through the gap between his legs and felt his lungs stop taking breath. Three seconds that felt like minutes passed and then there was a wet tongue licking across his hole, making his entire body catch on fire and forcing a moan from Jensen’s lips. Jared smirked before tripling his efforts, attaching his lips to the skin around Jensen’s hole and sucking while his tongue prodded away.

“Ohhhhh.” Jensen dropped his head back onto a pillow, eyes closing and jaw twitching. He flung his hands out to the sides to clutch the sheets in his fists, his toes curling in pleasure. 

God, Jared loved how responsive his boyfriend was, how vocal and squirmy. Knowing he was making Jensen feel good was Jared’s biggest turn on. 

He lapped at his hole, trying to both get the flesh to soften up and get Jensen relaxed before he even thought about shoving fingers anywhere. It has been a little while for them, and he didn’t want this to hurt Jensen. Sometimes a little burn was good, but not for tonight. Not when Jensen had spent the whole day crying and both of them had been alone for days. They didn’t need rough tonight, they needed intimacy and comfort. So, Jared took his time cracking Jensen open with his tongue, soothing his rough skin and wetting his hole until all he could taste was his own spit. He hummed into the skin and Jensen moaned at the feeling of the vibrations running through him. 

“Jay…” Jensen choked, entire throat exposed as he kept his head thrown back against the pillow, back arched. 

Jared finally relented, knowing that he could move on to something stronger. Jensen was relaxed now, and his entrance was soft and wet. Jared leaned up and moved his jaw around a few times to relieve the tension there before dropping down to press kisses to Jensen’s neck, sucking at his throat and gaining loud pants and hip twitches from the man below him. 

“Christ!” Jensen hissed as Jared sucked on his pulse point, “Feel… urgh… feel like a passenger here.” 

Jared laughed a little as he reached down for the bottle of lube, popping the cap open with one hand. He let out a breath and against Jensen’s lips, told him, “Well then do something about it.” 

Jensen’s eyes took on a fiery, determined look and then his hands were pulling Jared down enough so that he could latch his lips onto Jared’s throat. He sucked at the sweaty skin and Jared shuddered as he coated a single finger in lube. 

“Yeah…” He exhaled as Jensen sucked at his neck, feeling his body react. His dick ached and his stomach churned deliciously. He licked his lips before moving his hand down to Jensen’s spit-soaked hole, skirting his lube-coated pointer finger over the opening. Jensen’s breath caught, but he kept kissing at Jared’s throat. And then Jared slowly slid his finger in all the way to the hilt.

Jensen gasped and his mouth lost all suction. His lips simply rested against Jared’s skin, mouth wide open and eyes squeezed closed. They were pressed so close together that Jared could feel Jensen swallow, his throat retracting against Jared’s chest. 

“Feel good?” Jared asked in a whisper.

Jensen waited all of half a second before announcing much louder than Jared had spoken, incapable of controlling his volume, “So fucking good.”

Jared laughed and tucked his head into the crook of Jensen’s neck, nuzzling his nose in as he slowly began thrusting his finger in and out of his boyfriend’s wet heat. He shivered when Jensen went back to kissing at any skin he could reach, which was currently his right shoulder. 

“More, Jay.” Jensen begged after a solid handful of minutes, reaching for the discarded bottle of lube and shoving it into his boyfriend’s unoccupied hand, “More.” 

Jared wasn’t one to be told twice. Not about sex. 

He wrapped his fingers around the bottle and popped the cap. He slid his pointer finger out of Jensen and went about coating it and his middle finger in lube. He put the bottle down again and took a breath. 

“Breathe, baby.” He told Jensen as he started to breach his entrance, knowing the more relaxed he was, the better. 

Jensen nodded and buried his head in the pillow as the fingers slid in him. His mouth opened and he breathed out something like a pained groan. 

“We okay?” Jared asked, reaching up to wipe the sweat off of Jensen’s forehead once his two fingers were in all the way. 

Jensen nodded and bit his lip, breathing out as his abs clenched and twitched, “We’re good, we’re perfect.”

Jared breathed out, “Fuck yeah, we are.”

He smiled and launched up to kiss Jensen, the older man practically just sighing into his mouth because the pleasure and bits of pain were too intense to focus on anything else. 

“Can I…” Jared asked without asking, knowing Jensen would know what he meant.

“Yeah, Jared.” He nodded eagerly, “Move.”

And just like that, Jared was pumping his fingers out of and then back into his warm body. He went slow, catching his fingerprints on Jensen’s rim and dragging his fingertips along his inside walls. He was avoiding his prostate the best he could, for now. Jensen shivered and moaned, toes curling a bit and eyes fluttering closed at the feeling. Jared stopped for a second and looked up.

“Still okay?” He asked, keeping his fingers still to make sure Jensen was adjusting.

His boyfriend nodded rapidly, breathlessly pleading, “Don’t stop.”

Jared smirked and then started scissoring the two fingers inside of Jensen, drawing them together as he slid them out and spreading them wide when he pushed them back in. Every little sound that fell from Jensen’s lips was liquid sex, and it was making Jared almost painfully hard. 

“I love you like this.” He told Jensen in a whisper as his fingers took his boyfriend apart. He started kissing down the line of his throat.

Jensen gasped and tightened his grip on Jared’s hip as he responded, “I love you always.”

Jared tried not to let the emotions that  _ that  _ statement evoked get to him just yet. He just kissed Jensen’s collarbone and thrust his fingers in again. Once, twice, ten times more before he was slowly easing them out and adding a third finger to the mix, adding more lube and continuing to stretch Jensen’s hole. 

“You are so fucking good at that.” Jensen practically whined, digging his nails into Jared’s shoulder blades and making a conscious effort to not rock his hips up. He didn’t want to do anything that would wreck the euphoric rhythm Jared had going right now.

“Only for you.” Jared assured before moving up and meeting Jensen’s lips for the umpteenth time that night. 

They swiped tongues and sucked on lips until both of them were shaking with desire. 

“Jay, need you.” Jensen begged as he reached down and wrapped his fingers around Jared’s wrist, pulling and forcing Jared to abandon the warm hole.

Jared nodded and blindly reached for the condom, hands shaking as he tried to get the wrapper undone. It kept slipping out of his lube-slick fingers.

“Fucking hell, come on!” He yelled angrily as the foil refused to give. 

“Give me it.” Jensen beckoned with his hand and Jared threw it at him, frustrated.

Jensen scoffed a little as he easily ripped the foil open. He raised an eyebrow at Jared as he held the condom up between two fingers. 

Jared rolled his eyes and went to grab it, however, just as he was about to take it, Jensen yanked it away.

“What?” Jared asked, waving his head a little in annoyance and confusion.

Jensen smiled low, using his hand to beckon Jared forward. He placed a hand on Jared’s ass and told him, “Let me.” 

Jared raised his eyebrows in surprise, the smug look falling off his face completely.

“Oh.” He whispered, immediately shuffling towards Jensen to give him access, “Yeah, okay.” 

Jensen smirked and started pulling the condom a bit to get it to stretch. He held on tight to Jared’s ass to keep him in place before using his right hand to slowly slide the condom onto his upright dick. Jared’s hips immediately pistoned forward and he gasped, eyelashes fluttering. Jensen stroked him as he pulled the rubber all the way down, making sure it was snug. 

“Arghhh… shit.” Jared laughed breathlessly at the intense friction, trying so hard to keep himself steady.

“Close already?” Jensen threw Jared’s earlier words back at him, giving him a subtle mocking smirk.

Jared pulled Jensen’s wrist away and breathed out, “Shut up.” 

And then he was pushing Jensen back down against the bed and immediately lining himself up with his ass. He took a few breaths and loaded his palm up with lube, firmly running his hand up and down his dick to coat it. He squinted his eyes and focused on not moaning, biting his lip.

“So fucking hot.” Jensen groaned and Jared opened his eyes to see the man below him, who was currently staring up at Jared like he hung the damn moon and stars. 

Jared just swallowed and positioned his now slick member, placing both hands on Jensen’s hips and pressing the head of his cock to the widened hole. He caught his breath and looked up.

“Ready?” He asked, ass clenching from the effort it was taking to hold himself back. 

Jensen nodded eagerly, “Always.” 

Jared nodded and leaned down to capture Jensen’s lips with his own as he thrust in. Jensen’s moan was loud and muffled, his eyes squeezing shut and body tensing. Jared breathed out and squinted, pulsing his hips back and forth a bit until he was all the way in. Once fully seated, Jensen’s hands flew up to his upper back and his fingernails dug into his shoulder blades. Jared dragged Jensen’s bottom lip towards himself before letting it go and pulling back enough to look at his face. Fucking beautiful.

“Jensen.” he exhaled softly, watching as those beautiful eyes opened. Jensen reached up to touch Jared’s face, stroking his thumb gently over his cheek.

They were both silent for a few seconds, eyes locked together as they adjusted. Jared continued wiggling his hips just slightly, keeping them both from being too overwhelmed. 

“Tell me when.” Jared whispered as he ducked his head down, dropping kisses along Jensen’ neck, collarbone, and chest. 

Jensen’s hands stroked up and down Jared’s back, firmer and bolder until they slid down and cupped Jared’s ass, pulling them harder against each other and grinding Jared’s cock even farther into him. They both gasped.

“Now.” Jensen exhaled, giving Jared an affirmative nod. 

Jared didn’t hesitate. He grunted out as he began thrusting with intent, jerking his hips hard and gripping Jensen’s hips tight. He breathed out shallowly, instincts taking over as he naturally found the correct angle. 

“Urghhh  _ shit _ .” Jensen grumbled, his eyes closing again and his abs tensing. He dug his nails into Jared’s ass and the taller man shuddered, hissing in pleasure. 

Jared pulled back and held himself out for a long couple seconds, building the anticipation, before shoving back in hard and- 

Jensen screamed, throwing his head back and arching his entire neck and back off the bed. His thighs clenched hard around Jared’s hips and his eyes rolled back. 

Oh yeah, Jared  _ nailed  _ his prostate. 

“Jay…” He whimpered, voice shaking and eyes watering. He moaned again when Jared shoved right back in at the same angle, unable to speak. 

Jared pumped furiously, digging his fingers into Jensen’s hips and pulling them up onto his own thighs. He grunted and leaned down, Jensen whimpering as Jared raked his nails up his chest, pushing his thumbs hard against his nipples. Jensen let out an inhuman groan and rocked his hips up, pushing back onto Jared’s dick. 

“Right there.” Jared whispered fiercely, pushing their foreheads together as Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared’s shoulders for leverage, “God, you feel good.” 

Jensen was still unintelligible, he just nodded rapidly and squeezed Jared tight. 

His whole body was on fire. He felt like a stretched rubber band one move away from snapping. His entire body was tight and tense- desperate for release.

They kissed, sloppy and open-mouthed, along each other’s necks, and faces, panting as Jensen ground himself up into each of Jared’s thrusts. Jared pressed a sweat slick palm into the tight space between them and began stroking Jensen’s cock.

“I’ve got you.” Jared exhaled and ran his thumb over his dripping slit. Jensen’s back arched again and he curled his legs even tighter around Jared, digging his heels into his ass and letting out a loud, desperate moan. 

“So… oh God… so good.” Jensen moaned, his fingernails starting to draw blood from Jared’s shoulders.

The moan Jensen let out made Jared  _ determined _ . He sped up both his hips and his hand on Jensen’s dick, relishing in the little ah-ah-ah sounds falling from his boyfriend’s lips. 

“Love you.” Jared whispered against his neck. 

Jensen gasped and nodded rapidly, the tendons in his neck sticking out as he assured, “I love you too.”

Jared smiled and then slid his head around until their lips met. It was messy and inconsistent, filled with gasps and moans, but it was amazing. Jared sped up his hips and Jensen’s eyebrows pulled together tight.

He started whining, body going rigid and starting to shiver, “Jared, I’m-”

“Come.” Jared commanded, cutting off his warning and slamming his hips forward with precision. 

And then Jensen’s mouth was dropping open in a silent scream. Thick white jets of cum shot from his spasming dick, landing all over his clenching stomach. He thrashed his head back and forth against the pillows, biting his lip and feeling his ass pulse. His entire body shook and his hips squirmed around endlessly as the pleasure burned and spread from his groin outward. He felt the heat in his thighs and all the way up to his throat, toes curling and eyes rolling back. The cries that poured from his mouth were broken and shaky. 

“Jared!” He cried out as the last of his orgasm continued to rack through him, his thighs clenching tight and body still taught. He continued wiggling his hips around to alleviate the intense feeling in his abdomen. 

“Oh  _ fuck _ !” Jared groaned as he slammed once, twice, three times more into Jensen before going still and coming deep inside him. He held onto Jensen tightly as his orgasm spasmed through him, eyes squinting shut and head tilting back towards the ceiling. He gasped and pulsed his hips forward a few times, prolonging his own pleasure with the extra friction. Seconds passed by and then he was collapsing forward, melting down onto Jensen’s body and crushing him beneath his body. He didn’t even have the mind to care that Jensen’s cum was all over both of their stomachs now.

“That was amazing.” Jensen exhaled, bringing a hand up to comb through Jared’s hair, his entire body lax. He felt like he was weightless, not even bothered by the heavy body laying on top of him.

Jared just hummed in agreement before sighing and reaching down. He gently removed himself from Jensen’s hole and let his body fall over to the side. He huffed a breath as he pulled the condom off, tying it securely before tossing it to the trashcan by the nightstand. He looked down and grimaced at the sight of his abs- slick with drying cum. All he wanted to do was lay down and stay down, but the neat freak in him wouldn’t let him.

“Urgh.” He grunted as he sat up. Jensen whined and reached out for him.

“Just getting a washcloth.” He yawned, standing up and walking to the bathroom. He made quick work of grabbing a washcloth and wetting it under the faucet. He quickly cleaned up his own stomach before folding it in half and wetting it again, walking back to the bed. He sat down beside Jensen on the bed and gently cleaned up his boyfriend’s stomach.

Jensen hummed, “Thank you.”

Jared just nodded before tossing the washcloth to the floor. They’d deal with that later. 

He laid back down on the mattress, closing his eyes and sighing. 

“Hey.” Jensen whispered after a moment.

Jared opened his eyes and turned his head to look at his boyfriend. He looked a little nervous, but mostly just relaxed and content. 

“Come here.” Jensen asked when they made eye contact, raising his arm to make room. Jared immediately shuffled over and curled into Jensen’s body. Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared’s shoulders and pulled him tight to his side.

“You okay?” Jensen asked hesitantly and Jared knit his brows, pivoting his head so he could look at Jensen.

“I’m great.” He told him, confused by the question. He swallowed before prompting, “Are you?”

Jensen sighed and pushed his lips off to the side. He didn’t look entirely okay. A little sad and… was that guilt? Jared grew concerned. 

“What’s up?” He asked, straightening his back out and maintaining eye contact.

Jensen shook his head a little and exhaled, “It’s just…” 

He took another deep breath.

“It means a lot to me that you came for the funeral.” He whispered after a moment, voice thick but genuine as ever, “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t.”

“I wanted to go.” Jared told him honestly.

“Yeah.” Jensen agreed very quietly, but there was something unresolved to his tone. His eyes narrowed a bit and he seemed to sit with his thoughts for a second before he looked down at Jared and asked in an exasperated sigh, “Why did you want to go, anyway? I mean, after all the things I said to you, I can’t wrap my head around why you would ever want to step into the same room as me again. Nevermind for my grandmother’s funeral.”

Jared smiled sadly and looked down at his own hands.

“I knew there was a risk you’d be mad if I showed up.” He started somberly, “But I remembered all the stories you told me about her and I mean, she was kind of the reason we met. I know how much she means to you. I just couldn’t escape the feeling that I wanted to be there for you. No matter what you said to me… about me… before then. I wanted to be there for you.” 

Jensen’s eyes were watery and he shook his head gently as he whispered, “I can’t believe…” and then trailed off, not finishing the thought.

Jared jutted his chin out a little bit and prompted, “Can’t believe what?” 

Jensen smiled a little, sadly, and finished with a sigh, “I can’t believe I called you selfish.”

Jared audibly exhaled, “Jensen…”

“Hang on.” Jensen shook his head and looked Jared in the eyes, “Let me talk for a second.”

Jared widened his eyes in surprise, but after a moment, swallowed and nodded. The sweat was collecting in his palms as he stared at Jensen, wondering what he was going to say. It sounded serious. 

“That night, I was grieving and angry. I had so many pent up emotions and they… they all landed on you.” Jensen looked down as if in shame, “I was frustrated that you were late and that made you an easy target. And yeah, okay… maybe I was a little jealous of Chad.”

Jared sighed and shook his head a little. He was still having trouble with this whole thing. Jensen had really fucking hurt him. And now he was just saying ‘oops, my bad!’? Jared was still hurt, and he couldn’t forgive Jensen straight away just because he was sad when he said the things he did. Those words hurt. 

Jared sighed, offering very quietly, “I never cheated on you. I never  _ would’ve  _ cheated on you.” 

Jensen looked down and smiled tightly, his voice becoming strained and raw as he spoke, “I know. I shouldn’t have accused you of that… I was just mad in the moment and, God, it was just… It was so, so, so unfair to you.”

He looked up and met Jared’s eyes before sighing and telling him so earnestly it looked like it hurt, “I’m so sorry.” 

Jared closed his eyes and swallowed, feeling the emotions pour through him. What was he supposed to do? Jensen hurt him. But yet his apology seemed so genuine. And fuck if Jared didn’t miss him. 

“I appreciate that. And I’m sorry too. For being late that night. You have to know that if I knew you were hurting, I would’ve dropped everything and come to you.” He whispered before sighing and deciding to tell Jensen the truth, “I’m just honestly having a little trouble figuring out how I feel about all this.” 

Jensen’s eyebrows dropped a bit and he frowned, but nodded in encouragement. He kept eye contact with Jared as he told him, “I understand. I know I messed with your head and it’s going to take more than an apology to fix that. Take all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.”

Jared nodded, but now there was a sense of anxiety and disbelief gnawing at his chest. 

He bit his lip and looked up at Jensen. His voice was a mere whisper when he asked, “What happens if you get jealous or… angry again?”

He couldn’t go through a fight like that again. Not with Jensen. Not ever. 

“I won’t.” Jensen said immediately, clenching his jaw. 

Jared tilted his head and gave Jensen an incredulous look. He scoffed a little and told him, “You don’t know that.”

Jensen sighed and seemed to consider it for a moment. Then he squinted a little and admitted painfully, “Okay, maybe not.”

Jared smirked at being right but also felt his heart squeeze at the consequences of his own valid claim.

“But I do know that after going through this once, I will never push you away again. I was fucking  _ miserable _ without you.” Jensen assured, reaching down and squeezing Jared’s hand.

Jared nodded. He looked down at their hands and admitted quietly, “I was miserable, too.” 

Jensen smiled sadly, both a little relieved that they shared feelings and upset that he put Jared through that. 

“But uh…” Jared swallowed, looking away from Jensen’s eyes. There was something on his mind and he just had to get it off his chest. It was killing him. He sighed and let out in a single exhale, “You said that you couldn’t even tell me how… how much I let you down.” 

Jensen’s whole body tensed and he let out a shaky exhale, “I… I forgot I said that.” 

Jared felt a tear cut down his cheek but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. It fell sideways down his face and landed on Jensen’s shoulder, making his boyfriend tense. He reached down and pulled Jared’s head up so he could see his face. His entire expression fell when he saw the tears shining in Jared’s eyes.

“Oh, baby…” He choked before yanking him up and hugging him tight to his body. He swallowed and spoke with determination, “You have  _ never -EVER _ \- let me down. It was the heat of the moment and I said something I didn’t mean.  _ At all _ . All you have ever done is be open, loving, and kind. Never in your life have you let me down. You’ve never even been  _ close _ . I promise you that.” 

Jared didn’t quite know how to respond to that so he just tucked his head into Jensen’s shoulder and let himself cry. In relief, sadness, guilt, joy… he didn’t honestly know. 

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Jensen whispered into his hair, clutching his body tight to his own, “I promised you once that I’d never make you feel bad about yourself again, and that’s exactly what I did.”

Jared shook his head and whispered through the tears, “It’s not your fault.”

Jensen looked down in complete and utter disbelief, “How could you possibly say that?”

Jared let out a shaky breath before maneuvering his body until he was propped up on his forearm, looking down at Jensen’s face and sighing.

“Grief makes people do all kinds of crazy things. After my mom...” He looked down, trying to keep the memories from becoming too overwhelming. Jensen immediately reached out and squeezed his bicep, offering comfort because he knew how sensitive this topic was. Jared took a deep breath before continuing, “After she died, I didn’t act in the ways I normally did. I… I took my sadness out on everyone. I isolated myself completely. I was so angry with the world. So… I get it, Jensen. I really do. It was just… hard to hear.”

“I…” Jensen tried but he just couldn’t figure out what words would even come close to doing this justice. His eyes watered as he breathed out, “I don’t even know what to say. Other than… I love you more than it should be possible for a human being to love another human being.”

Jared smiled a little and tucked his head forward, pressing a soft kiss to Jensen’s lips before pulling back and nuzzling their noses together. He assured, “I love you too.”

He let out a breath and dropped his body back down, curling up into Jensen’s chest and pressing a kiss to his collarbone. He breathed out, “Go to sleep, Jen, you must be exhausted.”

Jensen closed his eyes and smiled, “As you wish.”


	14. Chapter 14

Jared woke up to the feeling of a cool summer breeze ghosting over his chest. He blinked slowly, reaching his arms above his head to stretch his shoulders and wrists. He yawned as he flipped onto his side and looked for Jensen. But the bed was empty and the window was open, curtains fluttering with the wind combing through the thin wire screen. Jared knit his brows and sat up slowly, cracking his neck and looking over to the alarm clock. It was just past ten am. July 19th. 

July 19th… 

“Hey, what are you doing up?!”

Jared jerked his head around immediately and relaxed when his eyes landed on Jensen, who was standing in the door frame with a tray in his hands and a bright smile on his face. 

“You ruined the surprise!” 

Jared knit his eyebrows as he watched Jensen walk towards him, closing the door behind him with his foot. He sat down on the end of the bed and put the tray down on top of the mattress. Jared only then saw the waffles, bacon, strawberries, and coffee spread out on the tray. He raised his eyebrows and looked up.

“What’s all this?” Jared asked.

Jensen crawled forward on his hands and knees and pressed a kiss to Jared’s lips. When he pulled back with a smile, he whispered, “Happy birthday, baby.”

Jared felt tears spring to his eyes. He couldn’t honestly remember the last time he’d celebrated his birthday… or even really realized it happened. 

“How’d you know?” He whispered back, voice thick with emotion.

Jensen smirked and told him easily, “I gave Chad a call a few weeks ago, asked him when it was ‘cause I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?”

Jensen and Chad had a rocky start, but over the past few months they’d started to respect each other and their places in Jared’s life. Sometimes they even acted like friends. It was nice. 

“I’m very surprised.” Jared breathed out, eyes wide and heart wide open, “I didn’t even remember.” 

Jensen’s smile faltered a bit. He cleared his throat and looked down, running a finger through the whipped cream on the plate below him and then reaching forward to wipe the substance on Jared’s nose. He giggled like a toddler.

“Hilarious.” Jared rolled his eyes playfully, reaching up to wipe it away.

“Uh-uh.” Jensen denied and he reached up to pull Jared’s wrist away. Then he leaned forward and licked the whipped cream off his nose. He pulled back with a smile and said almost proudly, “I got it.”

Their eyes met and the laughter died away instantly, replaced by intense attraction and desire. Jared surged forward and pressed his lips to Jensen’s, pulling him close and culling a hand around the back of his head. They stayed there for minutes, swiping tongues and breathing each other’s air. Jensen grabbed onto Jared’s shoulders and squeezed tightly. 

“Okay.” Jensen eventually sighed, licking his lips as he pulled away, “Breakfast in bed?” 

Jared nodded eagerly and pulled Jensen down by the collar so he was sitting next to him at the head of the bed. He picked up a strawberry with a fork and popped it into his mouth.

“Good?” Jensen asked, a soft smirk on his face.

Jared smiled back and leaned into his boyfriend, “Amazing.” 

He was three bites into the waffle when a pulse rocketed through his head and made him drop the fork with a clang. Jensen didn’t react like he was surprised or freaked out. He just pulled Jared closer and pressed soft kisses to his temple.

“I’ve got you.” He whispered, rubbing his hand up and down Jared’s arm. 

The headache lasted no longer than five minutes, thank the lord, and Jared was quickly able to pull away and begin eating again. Man… he loved Jensen so fucking much. He just made the headaches a part of their routine. He didn’t bring unnecessary attention to them or fuss like crazy. He just… followed Jared’s lead.

“Love you.” Jared whispered and leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek before continuing to eat.

Jensen smiled, “Love you back.” 

They ate in peace, laughing and smiling and kissing. The waffles were delicious, and the flavor the strawberries left on Jensen’s lips was sinful. When the plate was cleared, Jared pushed it all the way to the other side of the bed and flipped so he was lying on top of Jensen, heads hanging right above each other.

“Hi.” He whispered.

“Hey.” Jensen laughed back and then he was arching his head up so their lips met once again. 

Jared brought his hips down to rock against Jensen’s and they both moaned into the kiss, bodies tensing and goosebumps rising.

“Okay,” Jensen laughed, pushing at Jared’s chest to get him off, “We’ll have time for this later. I’ve got a big day planned for us, Mr.Padalecki.”

Jared pouted, “No sex first?”

Jensen shook his head and laughed, “I will give you the best sex of your life, later. I promise.”

Jared raised a brow and teased, “That better be true.”

Jensen smacked his pec and then crawled out from under him. 

“Alright, you are going to get dressed. Beach attire and bring a suit, too. I’ll meet you at my car in twenty.” Jensen beamed, pressing a kiss to Jared’s cheek before getting off of him and leaving his body exposed to the cool air. 

Jared was left shell-shocked as Jensen disappeared out the door, leaving Jared behind. He huffed a breath as he got up slowly, stretching his arms above his head and yawning.  _ Beach attire?  _ He pinched his lips and dug out his teal swim bottoms and a thin navy tee shirt. He slipped into the clothes and a pair of flip flops before fixing his hair in the bathroom and grabbing a gray suit. He folded it up nicely, and in a way that avoids wrinkles, before walking out to the car. Jensen was already sitting in the driver’s seat, sunglasses on and smile beaming. 

Jared shook his head at his dorky boyfriend and threw his bag in the backseat before climbing in. He buckled up and turned to look at his boyfriend, getting met halfway by a pair of lips meeting his own. He hummed in surprise, but went with it nonetheless. Jensen pulled back with that same shiteating grin as before and then shifted the car into gear, setting off on the road. 

The whole drive, (To where, Jared wasn’t positive), they sang along to the radio and smiled at each other like toddlers. Jared played air guitar and Jensen nailed the vocals- the two of them making up their own stupid, imaginary little band. 

He had a headache in the car, but it wasn’t a bad one. Jensen just turned the music down and they sat in silence until it passed. About an hour after that, they pulled into the parking lot of O’Sera Beach. 

“Come on.” Jensen smiled as he jumped out of the car. Jared got out on his own side and then Jensen locked the car behind them. By the time Jared met him around the back of the car, Jensen had two beach chairs in his hand. 

“How long have you been planning this?” Jared asked, half serious and half teasing, because he  _ knew  _ that neither of them had owned beach chairs. Jensen had bought them for this.

“Will you stop questioning everything and just go with me, here?” Jensen asked, eyebrows raised. There was no heat to his tone, but the question did ring sincere. Jared took a long, deep breath before nodding.

“Okay. Sorry.”

Jensen shook his head as he approached Jared, “Don’t apologize. All good.”

He tucked the two chairs under his armpit so he had a free hand and then reached for Jared’s. Their palms met and fingers interlocked. 

“Come on.” Jensen smiled and then the pair of them were walking up the wooden path to the beach. The ground was hot and uneven, sand slipping between their feet and flip flops. 

Jared was never a huge fan of the beach, but then again, he had never been to the beach with Jensen. His boyfriend changed his view on a lot of things. 

They set the chairs up and watched the clouds pass by, sunshine warming their skin and ocean breeze running through their hair. Jared found himself unable to stop smiling. His cheeks burned with the permanent grin etched into his face, dimples creasing his skin. 

“You look happy.” Jensen said suddenly, not questioning it or asking why… just reveling in it. He smiled back just as wide, looking at Jared adoringly with dilated eyes and teeth shining white. 

Happy didn’t even begin to explain it. 

Jared nodded and leaned over to press their lips together. He hummed softly when he felt the soft flesh of Jensen’s warm lips against his own. He cupped Jensen’s jaw in his hand and gently sucked on his bottom lip, dragging it with him when he abandoned his mouth. He rested his forehead against Jensen’s and breathed out. 

“I am so fucking happy.” He whispered, confirming Jensen’s comment wholeheartedly. 

Jensen’s smile dipped into something almost like a frown, but it was a  _ good  _ frown. He looked moved, floored, awed… His eyes became glassy with unshed tears and he shivered with emotion before tilting his head up and connecting their mouths again. Jared felt his own eyes starting to burn with tears as Jensen kissed him like he was the last man on earth. Warm, large hands framed his cheeks and he leaned into the touch, still focused on slotting his lips with Jensen’s in an elegant dance. He brushed his thumb over Jensen’s cheek and listened to the sweet sounds leaking from his boyfriend’s mouth. 

“I love you so much.” Jensen proclaimed with a voice thick with emotion as they pulled apart, his eyes shiny and boring into Jared’s. He looked seconds away from falling apart at the seams. 

Jared’s smile grew and he gave Jensen an eskimo kiss as he whispered back, “I love you too.” 

Jensen laughed softly and reached around Jared’s back, rubbing his shoulders gently before pulling back and leaning back into his own chair.

They spent hours staring at the clouds, wading knee-high in the water, and trading soft kisses. Eventually, the sun started to set and Jensen told him to pack up. They carried the chairs back to the car and got in. Jensen cleared his throat and then looked up at Jared nervously.

“What?” Jared prompted,

“We gotta change.”

“Change… you mean like…”

“Into suits.”

“Now?!” Jared shouted in shock, “Here?!”

Jensen shrugged and gave him a slight smile that said  _ yup _ . Jared rolled his eyes and then glared at his boyfriend. Regardless, he reached backwards to grab his bag and then placed it down on his lap.

“You do realize I’m 6 foot 4, right? I can’t change in the car.”

Jensen grimaced a little and raised his brows. He pushed, hesitantly, “Try?”

Jared scoffed, “You owe me.”

It took almost twenty minutes, but eventually the two of them were able to slip out of their breath attire into their suits. Jared may have pulled a few muscles at all the awkward bending, and Jensen was panting with breath… but they were done. Dressed and ready. 

Jensen hit the gas and within minutes, they were pulling into a gorgeous, rather expensive looking steakhouse on the opposite side of the interstate. Jensen grabbed Jared’s hand as they walked in and squeezed.

“Ackles, party of two.” 

“You can follow me, gentlemen.”

Their table was secluded enough that they could talk freely without being eavesdropped on, but not isolated enough for it to feel weird or lonely. The bread was good and the wine was better. Jared figured it was okay to splurge and drink tonight. It was his birthday after all; the headaches would be future Jared’s problem. 

When they finished their dinners, the waitress brought over a small chocolate cake with a  _ Happy Birthday  _ inscription and Jared smiled wide. Him and Jensen ate away at the desert until they were stuffed, and then they opted to take the rest home. While waiting for the check and some to-go items, Jensen reached across the table and squeezed Jared’s hand.

“Do you wanna dance?” He asked softly.

Jared looked around at the tables around them and told him wearily, “I don’t think there’s dancing here, Jensen.” 

Jensen jerked his head back like he was offended.

“Sure there is.” He asserted before pulling Jared up by the hand, “Come on.”

He pulled Jared flush against him and dragged him a few feet away from the table. Sure, there was soft music playing, but in no way was there a dance floor. They were literally just swaying between tables. Some of the waiters eyed them, but they just smiled and shrugged it off- probably thought it was ‘sweet’. The customers, however, left lingering glares on them and Jared started to sweat with anxiety.

“Babe, people are staring.” He whispered by Jensen’s ear, gripping his waist tighter as they continued moving to the rhythm. 

Jensen just shrugged, “Let them.”

Jared breathed out, feeling like a spectacle. This was  _ so  _ not his comfort zone.

“Hey.” Jensen cooed, gripping his chin and forcing Jared to make eye contact with him, “Just look at me, okay? Just focus on us.”

Jared knew he was right. He’d never see these people again. He just had to focus on that. 

“Here.” Jensen whispered as he placed his hands on Jared’s narrow waist and forced Jared to move his arms up to Jensen’s neck, hanging loosely over his shoulders. 

As they swayed and he kept his eyes on Jensen, the public just sort of seemed to melt away. He got so damn lost in those green eyes that time slowed down and he felt like he was drowning. His feet were moving by no will of his own and the music was white noise. All he could feel was an overwhelming sensation of love.

“Okay.” He whispered, lost in this magical purgatory between reality and heaven, “I get why you wanted to do this.”

Jensen came closer so that their cheeks were pressing together and wrapped his arms tighter around Jared. He hummed in agreement, “Mhmm.”

Jared closed his eyes and just breathed in the moment. He felt the ground under his feet and the firm flesh under his hands. Jensen’s breath against his cheek. When he blinked his eyes open, he was shocked to see that there were two more couples coming towards them, starting to dance to the music as well.

“Oh my God, there are other people coming.” He whispered as much to Jensen, voice filled with awe.

Jensen kissed his cheek and teased, “Told you so.” 

He watched an old woman rest her head on her husband’s chest as the elderly couple danced to the rhythm and his heart swelled. 

“I love you so much.” Jared said softly, twisting his head so he could place a kiss on Jensen’s cheek, “Thank you for today.” 

“You’re very welcome.” Jensen whispered back, smiling ear to ear as he held Jared close to his chest, “Happy birthday, baby.”

“I just want to keep telling you I love you.” Jared laughed, eyes shiny with unfallen, happy tears.

Jensen laughed back, but gently pulled his face away before leaning in at a new angle so he could press a kiss to Jared’s lips. It was brief, and not deep, but nice and comforting nonetheless. When he pulled away, Jared sighed before leaning his head back down onto Jensen’s shoulder and humming happily. 

It felt like the start of something really, really fucking amazing.

They swayed to the music for another God-only-knows how many minutes before backing away and paying their check. The elderly woman he had seen earlier sent him and Jensen a wink as they left, and he couldn’t help but smile back. As they walked out, Jared clung onto Jensen’s arm, leaning his head down against his shoulder. When they reached the car, Jared grabbed Jensen by the waist and pushed him against the front door. Before his boyfriend could react, he leaned forward and connected their lips. 

Jensen relaxed easily into the kiss and reached up to hold Jared’s head in his hands, framing his face. He hummed as Jared parted his lips with his tongue, exploring further. Hands travelled everywhere and they were trapped in their own little world until a car drove by and the headlights woke them up from their trance. Jared pulled back, panting like he’d just run a marathon. 

“I love you.” Jensen whispered, combing his fingers through the hair on the back of Jared’s neck.

“I love you too.” Jared smiled and nodded, “Now let’s go home.”

He pushed off Jensen and walked around to the other side of the car, sliding into the passenger’s seat as Jensen sat down behind the wheel. Jensen pulled out of the parking lot and Jared looked over and smiled as he watched his boyfriend’s concentrated face. He slid a hand over to rest on Jensen’s thigh and leaned his head back against the seat.

Man, his life was one shitstorm after another. But this? Maybe this was worth it. All of the blood, and the pain, and the loss… maybe it was worth it to be able to sit here next to the man he loved, celebrating his birthday. 

Fulfillment swimmed through his chest. He looked out the window and felt truly at peace for the first time in his life.

They’d been through hell and highwater, but they always made the trip together. They always made it through, stronger than ever. Because that’s what love does. 

It strengthens. 


	15. Epilogue

~4 MONTHS LATER~

They were walking along the same beach that they had all those weeks ago on Jared’s birthday. The sun was setting and the sky was completely clear of clouds. It was a cool night, with a slight breeze. Jensen was holding Jared’s hand tightly and swaying their joined limbs slightly as they walked. It was the perfect night. 

And there was a weight in Jared’s pocket. A thousand pounds hanging by his hip. A fire burning a hole in his jacket. 

They’d been dating for almost a year now, and Jared was more certain about marrying Jensen than he had been about anything else in his life. Still, the engagement ring in his pocket was sucking all of his thoughts in like a tiny, yet powerful vacuum. He couldn’t think about anything else. Not even what Jensen was currently going on and on about. All he could think about was ‘ _ what if he says no?’ _

“Hey!” Suddenly he was jarred out of his thoughts by Jensen cutting off his walking path, standing right in front of him with wide eyes and an expectant look. His hand slid up to hold Jared’s face and he asked, “You hearing me? Kinda important stuff, here.”

Jared felt guilt swirl in his stomach and he apologized quickly, “I’m sorry, I’m listening.”

Jensen looked him up and down for a moment before clearing his throat and starting over. He looked adorably nervous and Jared couldn’t figure out why  _ he  _ should be anxious. Did he know what Jared was planning already?  _ Shit _ .

“Okay, well, as I was saying…” He took a deep breath and made dead eye contact with Jared before elaborating, “Jared, you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. You make me feel like it’s okay to be myself, and you make me believe that love can triumph over all. I promise you that I will love you everyday of my life. I promise that no matter what, I will continue to choose you. I will choose us. I don’t know what the future brings, but I do know that mine has to have you in it.”

Jared’s heart was pounding at the heartfelt words and the sincerity they were being delivered with. 

“You are everything to me, and I cannot imagine living in a world where I am not loving you.” Jensen finished and then he was slowly kneeling down, a nervous smile on his face as he bent to one knee. He looked up and sighed as he pulled a box out of his pocket, “So, Jared…”

Oh. My. God.

Jensen was proposing. Jensen was  _ proposing. _ They planned it for the  _ same fucking night.  _

“You’re kidding?!” Jared gasped, shock flooding his system.

Jensen’s smile fell completely and he croaked, “What?”

Jared shook his head, “You can’t be serious right now! Are you serious?”

Jensen’s eyes were watering and his lip quivered. He asked quietly, “Jay, what are you saying?”

Jared whispered, “Stand up, Jensen.”

Jensen immediately did so. He looked like his heart was breaking, “What’s wrong?”

Jared grabbed his shoulder and squeezed before speaking, eliminating the worries, “Jensen Ross Ackles, you are the most perfect man I’ve ever met in my life. And it’s not because of your handsome face or career. It’s because you have a heart the size of the moon and you open it to everyone. You are incredible, inside and out. Strong, vulnerable, and smart. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It scares me how similar we are sometimes. I didn’t believe in soulmates before I met you. I think I do, now. You know why? Because tonight was the night that I planned on doing something special, too.”

He watched the awe pass over Jensen’s face as he bent down to one knee and pulled the ring out of his pocket. 

Jensen’s jaw dropped and he exhaled, “Oh my God.”

Jared smiled at the reaction and continued, his own eyes starting to water, “I want to marry you more than I have ever wanted anything. I want you to be mine, officially and forever. Jensen Ackles, will you marry me?” 

Jensen fell to his knees and practically slammed his lips into Jared’s. He grabbed Jared’s face and held it tightly between his hands. When he pulled back, he exhaled breathlessly, in awe, “Yes.” 

And then he reached backwards and with shaky hands brought forward his own ring box. A tear fell down his cheek as he asked in a whisper, “But… Jared Padalecki, only if you say you’ll marry me, too?”

Jared smiled wide and answered in a watery laugh, “Always, yes.”

Jensen smiled even wider and pulled the ring out of the box, sliding it onto Jared’s finger. Jared did the same for Jensen and then, seeing his ring shimmering on his finger, leaned forward and kissed Jensen, leaning back to say desperately, “I love you so much.”

Jensen immediately echoed, “I love you.”

And then Jared was laughing, shaking his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe we both planned to propose the same fucking night.”

Jensen laughed back, but then surged forward and pressed their lips together once again. Muffled into the kiss, he repeated, “I love you so much.”

Their tongues met fiercely and their bodies pressed together. Jared smiled and, resting his forehead against Jensen’s, said aloud with pride, “You’re gonna be my husband.”

“You’re my fiancé.” Jensen added, like he just wanted to taste those words on his lips,“It’s just us, now. You and me against the world.”

Jared fell forward so he was resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder. Arms came up to wrap around him and he breathed out heavily.

“There is no place on earth I would rather be.”

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, guys. I appreciate it so, so much.
> 
> I also want to note that there were a few songs that partially inspired this fic, including:
> 
> Mine by Taylor Swift  
> (“ And I remember that fight, two-thirty am  
> 'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands  
> I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street  
> Braced myself for the goodbye,  
> 'Cause that's all I've ever known  
> Then, you took me by surprise  
> You said, ‘I'll never leave you alone.’”)
> 
> Walls by the Lumineers  
> “ All around your island, there’s a barricade. It keeps out the danger, and it holds in the pain.”
> 
> I’m With You by Vance Joy  
> “I was just coasting til we met. You remind me just how good it can get. Well, I’ve been on fire, dreaming of you.”
> 
> From Eden by Hozier  
> “Babe, there's something tragic about you  
> Something so magic about you  
> Don't you agree?  
> Babe, there's something lonesome about you  
> Something so wholesome about you  
> Get closer to me”
> 
> To the Ends of the Earth by Lord Huron  
> “To the ends of the earth, would you follow me? There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see. To the ends of the earth, would you follow me? If you will have to say my goodbyes to me.”
> 
> Xoxoxo

**Author's Note:**

> I am so excited to finally get this fic out there!!! I have been working on it for months! This is the first story of this length I have written and my first J2. Feel free to review! 
> 
> Enjoy :D


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